- transexual woman
- cis man looking for attention
- This topic has 8 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 months ago by .
Hi I’m going by Nicki here but Nick in person. I am 34 and always just masked my ADHD and autism so I mimic other people and hardly know who I even am. I don’t have solid evidence that I have wanted to be a woman since childhood, but I always thought I was neurotypical too. That turned out to be false.
Here is all I can remember:
I’m male in form but have always been jealous of specific girls boots and dresses and skirts and hair and body parts and beautiful forms.
I have always tried to be invisible to avoid being asked to work harder in work and school l. During puberty I behaved like a cis male except I hated my hairy legs and wore pants for a few months at first. I drew cartoon versions of my aunts and mom and grandma and labeled their breasts. They just said I was growing up.
I loved growing long hair out.
I have always been attracted to woman. I had many chances to date girls that I liked but never took them because I felt like a pervert man. “Men only think about sex” was the message my father and media impressed upon me and I aspired to be better than that. I had an erection when I was at prom with a girl but I had to stop kissing after a peck because I was terrified she would find out
My wife doesn’t like intercourse and I used to try to encourage her to try but now I don’t even think I want to either. I still love her and find her whole being very attractive. However I am very sexual but not good at social interaction. I often imagine myself as being female with another woman when I masturbate.
I don’t think like most men I know seem to think. How do they interact with women without worrying if they are being mysoginistic?
I told my wife and she thinks I am just gender-fluid or a femme-boy or femme-girl or just exploring my feminine side for the first time
Whenever I want to do something I am scared of, I start to think as I perceive the woman in me would and then I feel so much braver. I can’t tell if it’s my truth or excitement at the idea. I know 100% that if is my truth then I would start living as a sexually active lesbian and get the surgeries.
I even told my wife I want a consensual non-monogomous relationship. This lack of intimacy we have despite our love is hard to keep living with.
I love my life but this part is agony. I bawled my eyes out all night while my wife was sleeping next to me and I don’t know why. I think it’s because I am still a man and I want to accept that I am a woman and always have been female at heart. There’s just so many masks that I don’t know the true me. And yet I do. I’m just afraid to accept it
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