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Hi I’m going by Nicki here but Nick in person. I am 34 and always just masked my ADHD and autism so I mimic other people and hardly know who I even am. I don’t have solid evidence that I have wanted to be a woman since childhood, but I always thought I was neurotypical too. That turned out to be false.
Here is all I can remember:
I’m male in form but have always been jealous of specific girls boots and dresses and skirts and hair and body parts and beautiful forms.
I have always tried to be invisible to avoid being asked to work harder in work and school l. During puberty I behaved like a cis male except I hated my hairy legs and wore pants for a few months at first. I drew cartoon versions of my aunts and mom and grandma and labeled their breasts. They just said I was growing up.
I loved growing long hair out.
I have always been attracted to woman. I had many chances to date girls that I liked but never took them because I felt like a pervert man. “Men only think about sex” was the message my father and media impressed upon me and I aspired to be better than that. I had an erection when I was at prom with a girl but I had to stop kissing after a peck because I was terrified she would find out
My wife doesn’t like intercourse and I used to try to encourage her to try but now I don’t even think I want to either. I still love her and find her whole being very attractive. However I am very sexual but not good at social interaction. I often imagine myself as being female with another woman when I masturbate.
I don’t think like most men I know seem to think. How do they interact with women without worrying if they are being mysoginistic?
I told my wife and she thinks I am just gender-fluid or a femme-boy or femme-girl or just exploring my feminine side for the first time
Whenever I want to do something I am scared of, I start to think as I perceive the woman in me would and then I feel so much braver. I can’t tell if it’s my truth or excitement at the idea. I know 100% that if is my truth then I would start living as a sexually active lesbian and get the surgeries.
I even told my wife I want a consensual non-monogomous relationship. This lack of intimacy we have despite our love is hard to keep living with.
I love my life but this part is agony. I bawled my eyes out all night while my wife was sleeping next to me and I don’t know why. I think it’s because I am still a man and I want to accept that I am a woman and always have been female at heart. There’s just so many masks that I don’t know the true me. And yet I do. I’m just afraid to accept it
This feels like quite a complicated situation. While folks here may offer opinions, to me it feels like working with a therapist may be very helpful. There are many layers here that need to get unwrapped and understood, and this is not the work of a minute. If you do go looking for someone to work with, experience with gender issues is very helpful. Not everyone has that background.
Getting connected with a support group may also be helpful. Since you live here in The Valley, There is one attached to the LGBTQ Center of the Desert and another with the Transgender Health and Wellness Center.
As a piece of information, the term transsexual has fallen out of favor. Folks felt the it connected the transgender experience too much to sex. And, as we know, sex and gender are 2 different things. I have always liked this description: Sex is between your legs and Gender is between your ears. Anyway, in more recent times, transsexual as a reference has evolved to transgender person, trans woman, trans man, etc.
Hi Nikki, you just described the last 20-25 years of my 40-year marriage. I am also ADD (ADHD now) and I am almost certain I am on the high end of the Autsim spectrum. I’ve been putting on women’s clothes for the last 6 decades, off and on. Breaks for several years in-between, but never losing the thought that I was living someone else’s life.
I voted that I think you may be a transwoman; the main reason is if you read my bio you will see I finally realized I would never be content with life as I was living it and started HRT. My wife had no clue as to what was haunting me so this has been particularly hard for her.
I don’t plan major surgeries (yet) due to my age and the recovery time versus perceived benefit, but hopefully my dysphoria will allow it. I sometimes wonder if I am insane for transitioning, or was for not. I just know that the I can’t go back. I’m not saying anything about you or your relationship, just some advice from my marriage. The ONLY thing that has allowed us to make progress is honesty – many times brutal and painful – but if you don’t both know where you stand, you’ll always be troubled and there will be no trust.
Every person falls on the gender spectrum somewhere they are comfortable. Not everyone who crossdresses needs to dress a certain way or go through full transition with surgeries. Maybe since your wife doesn’t prefer intercourse, she wants other things she doesn’t feel safe sharing with you.
You didn’t say if you have a marriage therapist, but one experienced with gender and crossdressing clients might be able to help. We are doing that, plus my wife has individual counseling and I see a gender therapist. Just remember a marriage therapist’s duty is to save the marriage first, then help the spouses adapt. An individual therapist’s first duty is to the patient/client even at the expense of the marriage (if they felt it was best for you to end the marriage or transition – which could end it as well – then they would recommend that for your best mental and emotional health.
We don’t navigate this well on our own. Years of hiding who we beileve we are, keep us from opening up easily. Our spouses have fears and questions they may be too afraid to discuss, also. Go slow and keep the dialogue going. Find out what she needs and let her know what you need. Wants can wait until the needs are addressed, I think?
Hugs,
Brie
Hugs,
Brie
This sounds much like my own life, but with the fem attraction. I’ve liked girls ion the past, but more admired or wished to live through them than be partners with. From my youngest days, I always desired to be the perfect girl for whomever was my best friend at the time. The is still true to this day.
From my perspective, being ‘T’ does not explain or define in any way who or what you are attracted to. It only defines how you see yourself.
L, G, B, and even Q does define who or what you are attracted to.
Thank you for your responses! They all help, and I am seeking therapy and I do want to join one of those support groups. I know that sex and gender are different, but it has been hard for me to untangle it all. I am humbled by the responses honestly. Thanks, DeeAnn for that information. This is the first time I have reached out to ask directly to any trans community. Talking to people in person seemed too scary.
Also I am glad folks are focusing on gender as separate from sexuality. I do see the difference in myself as well, but it all felt mixed up and confusing. I know labels are just words to help us understand ourselves, but I feel comfortable with “trans woman”. I also just think of myself as a woman. Sometimes I want to drop the labels altogether but it does help when I feel like I need clarity and self-love.
Nicki:
Remember that many, many of us had been where you are now. I believe that understanding who we really are creates the foundation upon which to move forward. Also, none of this is set in stone. As you come to know more and experience more, you might realize a shift in your thinking. Not saying that it will happen, but it does sometimes. It is nothing to worry about. Hopefully we learn, process and continue the journey. In short, we evolve…
I’m new to this whole website , translesbian I can relate to that I’m not interested in c.i.s. gender men , I’m married to an in the cis/ bi woman …. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and A.D.D. (non medicated) ……
I also would prefer a woman that don’t mind if I dress like a woman,But Hard to find,, Now with that being said finding someone that’s MTF , and being able to be girl friends and dress up would be exciting also,If that makes sense,For I am also in a marriage where I can not be myself except in private, this is one reason why I reached out to transgender heaven so I have others that I can talk about all my feelings, thank you for being there
How long did you need to think about it. Its only been a few months since I finally accepted this about myself. My therapist and my wife told me to think about it for a year or 2. Not that I have money for surgery, but even just to be sure I am a trans woman. Its the first time I have lifted the veil of depression beyond just using medication. I feel more confident and brave and actually want to make my life better. I want to work harder to take her to other countries like she wants. I agreed to wait a year, but every day that I pretend I am just gender-fluid or stay as I have been, I remain distressed.
How did you know you needed GRS? And how did you find a good surgeon? And how long did it take to decide to have surgery? I have so many questions.
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