I think my wife knows

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  • #126536
    Beth McGregor
    Participant

    I think my wife knows about me or at least I think she knows I like to wear feminine clothes. I keep my female clothes in a suitcase in my office and keep it padlocked with one of those combination locks (no key). When I went to open it on Monday I noticed it was unlocked so I assumed I must have forgotten to lock it. But on Friday I decided to wear one of my dresses. To my horror I saw the back of the dress was zipped up and it had been folded in a different (and much better) way than I fold my dresses. I know I don’t fold long dresses like that and immediately I could see the benefit in doing it that way to avoid too many creases.

    I’m not out to her yet. I have a son and I would hate to break up our family over this. I would love to be able to transition one day though and have known I am trans since around 4. Sadly my wife has a tendancy to laugh or make transphobic comments whenever a trans storyline or news item is on TV.

    So I’m not sure what to do. I think she knows but I don’t know she knows. Also, if she knows I don’t know what she knows. She has been a bit distant and detached recently.

    Could I have absent mindedly folded my dresses in a different way and fogotten I have done it and also forgotten to lock the padlock?

    Sorry if I am venting but am a little stressed and panicked about this at the moment.

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    • #127436

      Hi Beth

      I think all the advice given is worthy. But only you know the personalities involved in this dilemma, the complexities, the impact of possible outcomes, how you and the family would feel in the event of acceptance or break up, etc. Advice can be helpful, but needs to be applicable for you. At the end of the day it’s something you need to feel confident about doing and are prepared for the potential outcomes.

      Love Jas

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #127411
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Beth:

      While the term Coming Out is pretty self-explanatory, there are many moving parts to it. It is an opportunity to tell your story, your way. You get to think about what you want to say beforehand. When you got outed, more often than not you will be on the defensive. That is a short trip to a full blown argument.

      However, your situation has some significant differences. In effect, you have already been outed, but you have not had The Conversation. Your wife has given you some not so subtle hints and, it would seem, she is waiting for you to start the discussion. I fear that the longer this goes on the more ill will arises.That would not be a good thing.

      Thanks for completing your Profile page. That is always a big help to the other members as it lets them know what’s going on for you, where you may struggle, etc. You can update it at any time.

      You can search the member database in order to find others who are near you. Click on Social in the menu and then Member Directory.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #126644

      I echo that it’d be best to level with your missus, and at soonest. Diffuse the situation that you strongly suspect has already dropped cones of silence –verbal and emotional– into your lives.

      YouTube.com and TED.com have great materials that could be useful for you both, and are way better than printed matter. As a couple, viewing and hearing real people discuss their trans realnesses and related matters/issues is incredibly educating. While watching, the both of you have opportunity to dialog.

      Preparation can only help. It may be useful to, beforehand, setup an account on TED.com and familiarize yourself with how the website works. On both and beforehand, do look-ups on the the subject ‘transgender.’

      A second piece of preparation is to (begin to) layout your plan for going forward, if you want to ‘go forward.’ Maybe you want to keep your trans-ness between just the two of you? Maybe you want more? Your end goal(s) needn’t be defined right yet. Hey, it is hard do imagine paradise while in the foxhole’s mud, no?

      My missus wasn’t happy when I told her. She didn’t pop her top, but she was confused and needed processing time and processing help. You are the best one to help her process it; nobody else whomsoever.

      Me, I feel I am a ‘blended,’ both female and male simultaneously. A combo. I don’t feel to be a woman, and I know since forever I am not a ‘man man.’ Rather, I feel ‘n think of my me as a ‘twoman.’

      I’m 73 y.o. (almost), out since ’05. I don’t regret at all that I didn’t coming earlier: it could have occurred only when it did. Neither do I have second thoughts about how I outed myself: it could not have happened differently. (I don’t Monday Morning Quarterback, ever. ‘Waste of time.)

      And, I’m no-op to this point. Gender is in the mind and attitude. Natal sex is not gender. Even with surgey I would forever be a gloriously blended twoman.

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    • #126612

      talk to her…. be straight (pardon the pun) with her and yourself.. facing it now will be better than down the road..

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #126583

      Hello Beth,

      I am surprised you haven’t had any replies yet.

      I’m sure there are many other girls on this site much wiser than me…but, because your posting struck a chord, I’ll try to be helpful.

      Your situation sounds very difficult.  I can just imagine.  From what you say, I think it’s highly likely your wife does know.  If she hasn’t confronted you about it yet, it suggests that she’s thinking about it.  She may be shocked…or just very surprised…but it may not be as bad as you fear.  The fact that she hasn’t yet confronted you strikes me as a good sign.

      I say this because if she was very angry about it, I think she would have confronted you by now.

      If you are asking for advice, I would suggest you broach the subject with her as soon as you comfortably can.  At some point, you are probably going to have to tell her everything…including your desire to transition…so you might as well do that at a place and time of your choosing.

      There are probably guidelines somewhere (or your counsellor can give you them) about the language you use when you do this.  Probably best not to do as I did: I came out to my wife at the beginning of January.  I had told my counsellor I was trans but I didn’t tell him that I was going to tell my wife.  He might have been able to give me advice on how to handle it better.

      On the other hand, when the Army disposes of a bomb, they still detonate it. It still explodes.  You just have to manage the explosion so that everyone has been evacuated beforehand and there is minimum chance of damage.  But, as I say, however managed the explosion, it’s still a big bang…

      Before I lose you with my metaphor (!), I wanted to say that, whatever you do, any disclosure is likely to be damaging.  I guess you have to face that.  I am presently living through the trauma that my disclosure caused my family about a month ago.  But, as my wise friends continually remind me, what’s the alternative?  It is highly unlikely your feelings will go away.  You have had them for a very long time.  So, if you continue to sit on them, you will certainly make yourself very unhappy and you will continue to run a greater and greater risk that your secret will slip out, at a time and place you did not choose.  Which is even worse than picking your battle by deciding when and where you will tell.

      The other thing to remember is that time really does improve things.  The shock and outrage that family members feel will not last for ever.  Over time, it will metamorphose into other feelings, possibly even more forgiving ones.

      I don’t want to paint too rosy a picture.  On the other hand, and though I am currently in the thick of it, I think you can weather the (probably inevitable) storm…

      I hope this is of some help.

      Love,

      Grace

      4 users thanked author for this post.
      • #126608

        Hi Grace,

        Thankyou so much for your kind reply. When I re-read my post I can see it was written in panic and it isn’t clear that I was actually looking for advice rather than venting. So I really do appreciate your advice.

        I at least am now certain she knows because she has been back in to the suitacse and refolded all of my clothes and repacked the suitacse more efficiently. I froze to the spot when I saw this. I had begun to convince myself that it was all coincidence.

        I think I am now supposed to talk to her about it but instead am looking for a tiny deserted island in the Pacific where I can go and hide! 🙂

        I’m sad that you are having a tough time with your family at the moment. This news is difficult for loved ones to hear. I guess they may feel to an extent misled and worried they are losing the you  they knew. I hope and pray things improve for you and that shock gives way to acceptance and understaning. We do need to be able to get to a point were we can transition without barriers so that we can live authentically as the people we are. I know eventually the trans revelation and the consequences that follow are usually inevitable.

        I don’t think I can face coming all the way out though. I’m not as brave as you have been. I feel like I can maybe talk to her about how I enjoy wearing feminine clothes and leave it at that. I know I’m a wimp.

        Please feel free to message me if you need to chat or vent. I’m here for you.

        Thanks again sweetie.

         

        Love

         

        Beth

         

        • #126646

          Hi Beth, If you don’t mind me saying, from your profile photo you look pretty accomplished at CD and makeup. There will have been tell tale signs in the past of your CD, perhaps your wife is relieved the lipstick marks and clothes don’t belong to another woman.
          I agree with others, your wife has shown you some respect by folding and replacing your clothes. I would say she is inviting you to say what it is all about. Before you say anything I would suggest you think through her position as wife and the mother of your young child. That will be top of her list. How will she feel about this and how do you move forward together.
          Ask how she feels about CD and transgender in general, she knows why you are asking. Above everything respect her concerns. Avoid confrontations or showdowns. Re-affirm your commitments to her and your son. Your wife may turn out to be your best friend too. But you must be honest and share your inner feelings with her.
          That’s where I would start.

          Alex x

          2 users thanked author for this post.
        • #126645
          Michelle Lawson
          MANAGING AMBASSADOR

          Beth, I just had a thought. So your wife went back into the suitcase and folded some other stuff. Maybe that is her silent way of saying she is open to talking about it. If she had been hostile to it, I would have imagined a scene where she grabbed a handful, threw them in your face, and gone bonkers. so maybe that is just a nice gesture to let you know she isn’t that upset. maybe she realizes how much this affects you too. Just a thought. Michelle

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