I'm okay, I'm not alone

[Dasia Anderl]

I want to share an experience of mine with you.

The last four years have been shaking me to my soul. I’ve been able to say my peace to the world and embark on my transition. Finally the world said okay, go ahead.

Since joining Transgender Heaven I’ve been sharing with you all many of my transition experiences. Mostly there’s been many, many pitfalls and mostly ones I didn’t foresee.  It’s weighed heavy on me to do the telling. I didn’t want to discourage any of you. I hope I can help any of you asking for help to be able to better transition if that’s your dream. I’m an honest woman and, as it’s happened for me, my transition has been rough.

I’ve grown bitter the last couple of years towards cisgender people. Being a Christian and Buddhist that’s been contradictory to my faiths. I didn’t care. My anger for losing so much outweighed my creeds. I wondered what anything meant anymore. I found new reasons to go on without listening to the soothing advice and directions of my spiritual leaders. I’ve recently discovered this dark truth in me and I didn’t like it. The truth is said to set us free. This is such a personal discovery. No spiritual center or church could tell me. I had to live it, lose it, to gain it back again.

I’ve gained so much in the telling. I suppose it’s the stages of grief. I think I’m ready to accept that my choice is my choice. God has no part in my choice. Apparently that’s one of the gifts from God; free will. I don’t think God has ever been against me though sometimes I did think so. God loves me. Loves me so much I can be who I am. I wish the greater Church all agreed on that. A  loss, but a loss I’ve come to bear. I have a loving partner. I have a father-in-law and a sister-in-law whom love and accept me. My late mother-in-law said she loved and accepted me so much that she would’ve adopted me in another life. I have a home that is well stocked. I have free college coming up soon. I’m going to become an interior designer as I’ve wanted to be since junior high. I have another 40-60 years left to live. I have health insurance that covers most of my medical transition. I live in state that allows my presence and offers protections. I have a few good friends. I have friends on this site and I can share myself with all of them and my family still. I have so much!

My anger, my resentment, my vengeance have all been such a tsunami wave of grief. Like being in that movie A Perfect Storm, floating all alone in the dark big blue ocean, waiting for help that would never come. Struggling to stay afloat. Trying to find reasons to stay afloat. When I saw nobody coming, it was my anger that kept me alive, I thought. Ironically when I couldn’t get off the couch anymore and out the door it was my anger, too. My mild depression from my rage against my enemies. I thought I could fight them off. It surprised me when I realized that my worst enemy was myself.

I never thought talking about my problems would be helpful. I thought if I just kept going, just kept trying, just kept my chin up that somehow I’d figure it all out. I am a human. Merely a human. I acknowledge that I can’t do this alone. It’s been incredible to share with you all here! It’s helped me so so much to read your stories. To see that I’m not alone. Many others have been facing these waves, too. Not that I’d want anybody else to suffer like I have. It just helps a lot to know that other people can empathize with me.

I’m ready to shake off this malaise I’ve had stuck on me. I’m going to start forgiving again. I’m going to try to love cisgender people despite all of their wretched evil deeds. I’m going to stop stereotyping. I’m going to try abd trust more. I’m going to work out regularly. I’m going to remember I’m worthy of this life, too. I hope to make as many awesome things happen as I can…doing my best to not let grief stop me. I’m going to do the best I can. Thank you all for being here! Thanks for letting me be your sister.

Good things do come…even if we have to wait for them.

Peacefully,

Dasia

she/her/hers

[Author]

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