Hi. I’m Izzy and I’m an 18 yr old animation student at the moment. To get straight to the point: I’m confused on my gender identity.
When I was 13 is when I started puberty and it just never really felt right to me. Sure when I was younger I dressed like a girl and was wearing dresses a lot and even if I was more of a tom boy between my little sister who is 3 years younger then me, I was still always my moms little girl. I didn’t have a dad until I was about 11 so there was a bit of a lack of male role models in my life. At 13 when I needed a bra and started my period it always felt so uncomfortable. To this day I want to be able to wear a shirt with nothing under it and just feel the shirt against my chest and I’m honestly jealous of guys and others with flat chests that can do that. I have period problems physically which I have been going to the doctor about to find out whats going on inside but its giving me a lot of dysphoria. At times I hate having a female body. Sure sometimes I’m neutral about it but other times I wish i had a male body. I feel like if I was born a guy I wouldn’t be so confused. My mom differs with me when I try and talk to her about all this and my dad tries to stay out of it. She says that I only started questioning when I joined my high school at the times GSA club after my first and only break up. It was a 2 year relationship which ended in him lying to me about trust and hiding different things he was doing from me yatta yatta yatta. One thing I learned from that relationship was that I didn’t like people calling me cute and I didn’t like people commenting on my long hair. I’ve always had long hair so it’s hard when my mom hears I want to cut it short. I will be getting it cut short soon cause I dyed my hair blue a few months ago and couldn’t bleach it out so we are waiting for my roots to be about an inch longer before I can get the blue cut out. I feel more comfortable in masculine clothing and I like feeling like one of those confident guys who looks pretty cool and is friends with everyone. I have a mix between male and female friends but its always usually fluctuated between one or the other throughout grade and high school. I did experiment with my friends calling me he vs she or even they and I went by non binary for a while until a few months ago when I just went with gender fluid to keep my mom happy. She says that gender fluid is just wanting to dress more masculine or feminine one day to the next and changing depending on your mood and thats kinda where I am at the moment so I’ll go with it for now. Right now I also somewhat have a girlfriend who is bi leaning lesbian and I really enjoy the girl moments with her. I am the more masculine one in the relationship and she calls me her Prince sometimes and I really enjoy that haha. I do like a lot of more masculine things but I also like feminine things even though I hate femininity on my body. If I get top surgery and want to have boobs one day, I can just wear a bra thats padded or stuff one myself. And for context, I am terrified of any type of surgery or anything like that at all, and I’ve been thinking about top surgery for like a year now. I usually only wear makeup when I am in cosplay, and it’s typically a male cosplay I’m in. I resonate with male characters more then female ones though sometimes I do identify with a female more then a male. With all this said I am still super confused because I really don’t want my mom to get angry at me or disown me or anything for something like this. She is always telling me that I’m a girl and that she doesn’t want me to look like a boy, but in cosplay I can pass as a boy. She is so dead set on trans people knowing when they are very little that I can’t talk to her about anything trans or even LGBTQ+ related cause she is very opinionated and likes to talk over me and shut my ideas down. I’ve been looking online for help since I found out what trans was back when I was 14 and still no clear answers on what I am. My dysphoria mixed with my depression and anxiety disorders are not a good thing and I want to get through this before I enter my second year of college so that maybe, just maybe, I can feel less stressed while working on my assignments.
Thanks in advance for those who take the time to read this and even comment. It means a lot that people want to try and help me.
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