Indecisiveness in Transition

[Larry Smith]

CW:  Surgery, Genitalia Mention, mental health, politics

 

Hey everybody, my name is Larry.  I’ve been transitioning for a couple of years, and I’ve been on hormone therapy for almost a year.  I’ve got top surgery on the books and I am SO ready for that.

 

Recently I’ve been getting asked more and more what my plans are, if any, for lower surgery.  And on that issue, I’m really stuck.  I FEEL the lack of external genitals (I even get “phantom dick” sensations sometimes) and my bottom dysphoria is awful.  I also have a great desire to “top” during sex with my partner, and not being able to do that is sexually frustrating.  So having phallo makes sense right?

 

Part of the problem is that I don’t really want to go through with the vaginectomy.  Even though having the v feels wrong, the idea of the surgery and how it would affect my sex life also feel wrong.  As I understand it, most surgeons won’t do UL or phallo without having that done.  I also have so many fears about phallo itself, even the other issue aside.  Fears about sensation, appearance, ability to function, how my partner will react to it, general fears about getting a bad result and not being able to undo it… My anxiety is off the chain.

 

With the political climate not always being friendly to trans people, I don’t feel safe waiting forever to decide on this.  But I just feel so conflicted.  Any advice, or personal experiences if you’re willing to share, would be greatly appreciated.

 

How did you decide if/what kind of lower surgery?

Are you happy with your results?

 

[DeeAnn Hopings]

Larry, a question for you:

Have you done any sort of therapy related to the issues that you raise? That would seem to be a good place to start. The human mechanism often acts to resist change; particularly significant changes like you are discussing that will impact many parts of you life. A good therapist can help you work through those issues so that you can decide upon a course of action…

[Zachary Newcombe]

Hi Larry   I know how you are feeling. You said something that sort of blew me away    something about a phantom dick?       I used to think I was the only person that felt like I could actually have an invisible penis.  I never heard the term phantom dick before but it explains how I feel. It is so real for me that i am able to orgasm just by thought alone. I began my transition on 2002 completed by 2007. I had always dressed like a man so there was not alot of change. I elected not to have bottom surgery as did not want to loose my v. And risk loosening my clitoris.   I have been married for 32 years to a wonderful woman who tho identifies as a lesbian chooses to live with me in our small rural northern Ontario Canada as husband and wife.  We moved here so that I could present as a man with no one knowing who I used to be. Havingvtop surgery and a hysterectomy and starting HRT was enough for me. I too am a top and have that desire for particular positions and intimacy.   I have a very strong libido and as I have been fortunate enough to find a packing product that gives me a satisfying package in my clothing. I never take it off.  Other products are out there that can complete your desires. I found them and I hope to think I’m not the only transman that has the need for reality or as close as I can get to it. Anyways thank you for broadening my vocabulary  – phantom dick –

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