I’ve run out of excuses…

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  • This topic has 5 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by Barb.
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  • #133472
    Nicole Shan
    Participant

    I’ve always questioned my gender since I was about 13 (mtf). The urge to transition has always been there but I’ve always come up with excuses and reasons not to, family, fear of losing loved ones, being the cause of drama, etc. Now here I am, 28, have researched every possibility and Avenue that would involve transitioning and I feel I’ve hit a dead end. I have had thoughts of ending it (just the thoughts I could never go through with it), and the thought of potentially transitioning and being my true female self digs me out of those thoughts almost immediately.

    I guess what I’m saying is I’ve run out of excuses to not transition. I know I need to but I also am not sure I’m strong enough mentally. If I go for this I will be all in and I don’t want to mess my life up in any physical way, but I’m sick of the “what ifs” I keep repeating. I’m sick of being unhappy with who I see in the mirror. Im sick of hiding, but I’m scared of losing people. I know I can do this, but I wish I could have at least some sense of security that I won’t be abandoned/abandoning those who care about me.

    It feels like even while writing this that transitioning is really a no brainer. I just worry a lot about my friends and family. So this is it, I’m close to going for it. Im almost ready, or maybe I already am. Im scared but also hopeful about the future.

    Nicole

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    • #133480
      Rachel
      FREE

      Hi Nicole,

      I don’t have any advice for you. It doesn’t sound to me like you need it. You seem to have weighed the pros and cons of your options, and you seem to have a true understanding of what things might be like with either path.

      What I can tell you is that you are not alone. These questions, these doubts plague us all at some point, whether we choose to transition or not.

      You don’t need my standard response to these thoughts. My normal comment would be something along the lines of “transition is likely not for you”. Yes, I pretty much always tell anyone who asks my opinion that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Why might I say that? Well, because this path is HARD, and if I can talk a person out of it that easily, then I was definitely correct and it definitely was not a path for them. Only a person who thinks my opinion carries almost no weight is ready to transition.

      I don’t know what’s best for you. None of us do, probably not even you at this point. I do think you are prepared to make the decision for yourself though, and to live with the consequences. I can also say with certainty that no matter what happens next, you also will not be alone.

      I hope that’s enough.

      Rach

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #133499
        Barb
        BRONZE

        Hi Nicole!

        “Only a person who thinks my opinion carries almost no weight is ready to transition.”

        That’s a very powerful and true statement! I have listened to Rach and others. I only know of one girl who was fully embraced by their family and friends when they transitioned MTF.

        There are other non-binary options to consider. Sure, it may be a compromise, but it can offer some peace and some joy too!

        Good luck!

         

        2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #133479

      Hi Nicole,

      Everything Dana has said is very sound advice, and it would be the same thing I’ve experienced.
      I can’t really say much more other than pointing out that you have some serious soul searching to do.
      Only you know what you are feeling in the very depths of your own heart. For many of us, the feeling we were really women has always been there since early childhood, and we finally had to make the decision to become the women we always knew we were.
      As Dana says, if you have questions, please feel free to ask, we’ve both been down this path and can probably provide answers.

      I wish you well, hugs,

      Ms. Lauren M

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #133478
      Dana Munson
      SILVER

      Hello, Nicole!  I think many of the girls here could relate in some measure to the concerns you have. You’re young (yes, you are – I’m more than twice your age), so you likely have the whole kaboodle of relationships to worry about: job & co-workers, friends, family, and (possibly) girlfriend/wife.

      It’s almost impossible that your life is going to be exactly the same after you come out. How could it be? Even if everybody gives you a “thumb’s up” on your announcement, you are now in some ways a different person to them, and they will, in some ways, adjust how they relate to you. The changes may be minor (e.g., they adjust their vocabulary a bit to account for you being a girl/woman), but they will change in some degree. And, yes, some changes could be negative, maybe hurtful.

      If the fear of losing friends, or friendly family relationships, is your chief  mental roadblock, you have to examine yourself and resolve the question of  whether “the woman you want to be” is more important — and more necessary — to you than “life and relationships all going on exactly as they are.”  Because – although you might get lucky – there’s a better than fair chance that at least a few people you know will be less than happy with your plan to become a woman. Even if the relationship does not evaporate or become openly hostile, there may be some “chilling” in how a “friend” deals with you. That’s the world as it is.

      When I decided to come out to friends and family, I sat down and listed all the people – family and friends – I thought needed to know at the outset about my being transgendered and my decision to transition (being retired, I didn’t have to worry about an employer and co-workers). Family I spoke with directly or over the phone. Friends I dealt with in a batch email (I don’t mind admitting that working up the nerve to click that “Send” button took me a few minutes). I asked folks on the email to simply remain silent and not reply if they disapproved. From the others I asked for nothing more than a few words indicating support (“I’m with you” or “If it makes you happy, then I’m happy for you,” etc., etc.). I had mentally resolved that I would be lucky if I only get a 50% “positive” return. In other words, I had already pre-accepted the idea that some people I had thought of as “friends” were going to take my announcement as “a bridge too far,” and just disappear from my life. If you’re curious, I’ll let you know how my “big reveal” actually turned out. 🙂  My point here is: you have make yourself ready mentally, understanding that your coming out is very possibly going to be a game-changer for some people you know (or maybe not – you might be pleasantly surprised).

      And here is where I mention “therapist.” Having a therapist doesn’t mean you’re crazy – it means you recognize that you have some issues that could use a trained, professional ear who can hear your issues and help you sort through possible solutions. Good news: there are therapists who specialize in helping people who are, or think they may be, gender dysphoric. Unless you live in a rather rural area, a bit of web searching should locate one or more qualified (trained and licensed) specialists reasonably close to you.  Helping you weigh that question I posed above is something that should be right up a therapist’s alley.

      Hugs! And best of luck. If you have questions, fire away. Either I or another lady here will be happy to try to help.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
      • #133498
        DeeAnn Hopings
        AMBASSADOR

        One note about therapists:

        There are some who do their sessions on line. It isn’t an ideal solution, but it does get around distance, transportation issues and timing issues. It is also a way of dealing with concerns about COVID exposure.

        2 users thanked author for this post.
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