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I am sitting here actually writing something. I have been part of CDH/TGH for sometime now. And I don’t get to post much. Frankly I don’t know what to write. I usually just listen, read and moderate. Many times I don’t even know if I am transgender or an overzealous crossdresser. One thing I will say, I usually care about your well being over mine. Your important, to me. Just knowing that I someway helped you find direction and comfort with how you feel. But today I write for me. With everything that we are dealing with in the world this year. I found my own clarity.
Living in Fear
Its taken a virus of all thing to wake me up. The fear of being on the deadly end of this pandemic has made me feel vulnerable. I have always felt scared of taking this path, knowing that it will lead to being hurt, humiliated, judged and outcasted. But this virus is a killer. I have dealt with depression and death wishes, and pain all my life. But this virus, made me realize something, I could be gone tomorrow and there is nothing that I can stop it. I am here today at the age of 40, cause I controlled the direction of my life. Avoiding everything a little virus made me feel in such a short time.
I need to stop being scared and trying to control what I cant, people are going to hate me, they are going to humiliate me, and they could hurt me. I lived life holding my head and being what I was I was suppose to be. I have done that long enough, now its time to live life holding my head up and being me, and if they have to hate me, humiliate me and hurt me. Then so be it. Being transgender does have a future and it can end all tomorrow to, but its not a virus that will take me out.
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