lonely but not alone…

[Sira]

I came out 8 months ago as a woman and it’s been a struggle to get to the point I am currently at with my wife. She gets it at this point and is supportive in passive ways. With old makeup and clothes. I understand that 10 years of dating/ being married to a man takes adjustment but her sexuality isn’t changing. I don’t expect compliments in any way shape or form because she’s not into women. It does however make me sad. She Said she loves me for me and doesn’t want anyone else regardless of what I am. Great except I feel lonely. We decided to continue the plan to have a family, maybe stupidly.
She is horrible at talking about feelings and I’m working on my communication but she just shuts down and doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m at a loss here. I don’t want to be here anymore. there are 0 signs of it getting any better than neutral to mildly uncomfortable. Yet she does not want to end things because IDK. Neither of us is happy I don think. I can’t be too girly because shell gets upset. I want to be loved for who I am not tolerated despite it. The worst thing about this… is just circumstance. No one can be blamed here. I don’t know how to deal here. I’m trying and it feels so alone and futile. I’m not even sure what to do at this point.
Being a girl complicates being married to a woman.

[Michelle Lawson]

Sira, that is tough. There is no checklist, or guidebook, or manual to go by. I can say this, open, honest, and frank discussion is going to be key. Without that, nothing will go anywhere, and you will both just shrivel up on the vine. And maybe some counseling or therapy for both of you, or separately is in order. If separately, I’d suggest making it transparent to the other so they don’t feel excluded. That will only add another set of concerns. I hope this helps. Michelle

[Emily Sis]

Sira,

I feel for you. My wife is open in saying that if I need to get dressed up and wear make-up and everything that is fine, but she doesn’t think she can be there for that.   It is tough to allow Emily to feel any love from my wife, my wife doesn’t even know my female name.  Adding children to your relationship doesn’t sound like a great idea to me, yet.  I have kids with my wife and I am not hidden to them.  But no one has seen me in a wig or a dress.  It can definitely feel lonely in a household full of people.   I am here for you.

[Anonymous]

Sira & Emily,

The big divide between transgender-woman and earlier friends and family for me is that they can’t seem to grasp how much I want to be a girl.  I have always wanted to be a girl.  I have struggled mightily to control this life-long desire and to keep it from destroying my career and social life.  The 50’s through the 90’s were not a time of compassionate understanding.  So, I was a man; I was also always slightly broken.

I am 68 and completely out to everyone everywhere.  The most common somewhat friendly reaction from most willing to somewhat friendly men is: Isn’t this a little over the top!,  Is it really that important to you?, why would you want to do this?.

I received similar comments from a couple of woman, to include my wife.  My wife’s initial reaction included wanting to know why I couldn’t just conclude my life without this distraction.  I am 68, so what do I have left; 10 to 15 years if I am lucky.  They don’t get it, and I truly believe they can’t get it because they don’t have it as a part of their whole life’s tapestry.

I love Michelle’s advice to you; get counseling and put kids on hold for now.  Your relationship with your wife and your whole community needs to go through both the destructive and constructive aspects of becoming a woman as a transgender.  I am now a woman, and I never want to go back.  That alone was a hard decision to make.  It took me a full 6 months of being a woman full time for me to really feel in love with myself again.  I love me, and I love my wife more now.  This is all good, but it will only influence, but not control the outcome.

Lead those you love with love and compassion.

Lead those you don’t love with equal love and compassion.

Lead yourself with love and compassion

Lukcia

[Aoife Mary M.]

hi sira,

i just saw this post and wanted to reach out. i have not and may never transition, but we are in otherwise similar positions with age and family. i would love to connect with you. i am sorry i don’t have any experience beyond your own to help you with, but i think we could both feel less alone. good luck and lots of love.

hearts and rainbows,

aoife

[Author]

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