Long time no talk!

Do you identify as non-binary?

Just curious of others in our community who are like me,

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  • #131435
    Charlie Cavanaugh
    Participant

    Hi! It’s been a while since I’ve visited and just am so thrilled to have a group of supportive people. I’m a computer scientist, software engineer, with a doctorate. I’m also non-binary transfeminine. My preferred pronouns are they/them or she/her but due to my lack of taking care of myself, I look like how I look, so he/him is ok as long as I’m not wearing a dress when someone says it. 🙂 I’m open about my gender fluid identity, and this is a journey for me. When I first came out as trans 4 years ago around my birthday, I was full-out feminine. But then, I realized, that’s not really me. You are who you are when no one’s looking. That, my sisters and brothers, is what I want to be, that true person I am. I think it’s somewhere in the middle to feminine side of the spectrum, and varies. What do you all think?

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    • #131498
      Katie Time
      SILVER

      Hi Charlie, I had read your post earlier, and I wanted to digest it and consider how I feel about my identity. I am still in the beginning stages of figuring just how I do feel about myself. To be honest at first I thought that I was on the low end of a perceived scale of male on one end and female on the other. This thinking is starting to fail. I realize that, more and more my actions are speaking loudly. The way I sit, the way I place my hands. I constantly look at my crotch imagining a lack of a bulge. I have no desire to present as a man. I am afraid that it will soon become nearly impossible for me to continue to work in the disguise of manliness. And yet I love woman. I prefer their company and they always find a way to sit with me at the company meetings. Maybe they can feel a connection. I know I do. Bottom line is the deeper I go, the deeper I want to go. Hugs Katie

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #131500
        DeeAnn Hopings
        AMBASSADOR

        Katie:

        Know that trans people can have any sexuality and attractions that cis people can have…

        1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #131499

        Heya Katie, you go girl! Yes the more you learn about your true self, the more you don’t want to be someone you are not. For me anyway, as I’ve said it’s a journey and I’m taking it as it goes. I certainly am happy being me, and as I listen to my actions (like you said) and the way I’m feeling, I automatically show as someone who is authentic. Sounds like you are too! Yay! ❤️

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #131474
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Charlie:

      I identify as Transgender, Non-binary. It is something that I really didn’t sort out until the age of 67. In the Media Review section of Articles there is a link to a video of a speech that I gave last March. It is named:

      From THERE To HERE…

      It chronicles my journey with a fair amount of detail, but the abridged version is this. I crossdressed at home and at the end of 2014 I got invited to a monthly crossdresser/transgender social gathering an hour and a half from where I lived. For the next year I attended nearly all of the gatherings as well a support group twice a month just an hour away. The dressing part was very important to me and I enjoyed it. One evening I was deciding what to wear to one of the gatherings and my wife asked me what dressing did for me. I can’t remember what I said, but my wife’s reply was: “You may be transgender.”. In an instant I looked at things in a different way. A lot of things from my past began to make sense and there was a shift, it seemed.

      On the other hand, I knew my situation was different. I never felt that I was in the wrong body. What did occur to me, finally, was that I never felt completely male or completely female. For the last 6 1/2 years I have presented as DeeAnn nearly all of the time. I am very comfortable living as DeeAnn.

      The vast majority here only know DeeAnn. Very few have ever met Don. It doesn’t really bother me to present as Don, and occasionally I will. Most recently, I didn’t dress when we got our first 2 vaccines. I didn’t want people to freak because my driver’s license didn’t match my presentation.

      In the time that I spent processing what my wife told me, some thoughts came back to me. One thing I learned from reading about the experiences of crossdressers was that the majority talked about their female persona compared to their male persona and the differences. For me, there is very little that separates DeeAnn from Don. For example, DeeAnn is a bit more outgoing and is more likely to initiate a conversation. It is more degree than difference. I’m still as much a motorsports fan, architecture fan, amateur photographer and computer enthusiast as I ever was, but I’m also more open about scouring Etsy, Poshmark, Thrilling, Mercari and Ruby Lane for copper jewelry and silk blouses and blazers. These things may seem contradictory, but they all represent parts of the real me.

      This weekend is a case in point. I’ll be watching the Formula 1 events from Canada, the NASCAR truck series race on dirt from Knoxville, IA and possibly the MOTO GP from the Sachsenring in Germany, but on Sunday morning my DVR will get a workout as I’ll be at a women’s brunch to recognize Juneteenth. To some it may be a WTF, but it is just what I do.

      The vast majority of crossdressers view themselves as heterosexual. About 25 years ago I realized this did not describe me. I also realized that I tended to approach problems, and life in general, from an intuitive viewpoint. I can do logic, but it usually tends to be in support of the intuition and not the other way around. This is pretty unusual behavior for a mechanical engineer, now retired.

      I think the important thing is that we all need to do what it takes to make ourselves whole…

      Anyway, happy to have you join us!

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #131476

        Thank you for sharing! I’m a computer scientist, and computer science and engineering often go hand in hand, so nice to meet a sister engineer! Also I appreciate your level of understanding and comments on your own journey. I feel like I’m not alone in how I feel, which is what this website is all about. My legal name is Charles. I like that name, but I have ancestors named Cynthia and my mom always said she if I’d been born a girl that she might’ve named me that. I went by Cynthia/Cyndi when I actually applied for and got a nice job a few years back. A serious computer job with good pay. I  was accepted for who I was, I didn’t wear makeup, I didn’t speak in falsetto, I just was myself. It was a support engineering job which I enjoyed and did well at, but I got another opportunity that involves my passion of programming and I’m there now. I use my legal name but I work with a diverse and inclusive group; and it’s no secret on my professional profiles that I am fully out and go by all sorts of names, including Dr. Cavanaugh. I have a PhD in Computer Science. I have a wonderful former colleague who knows I go by both Charles and Cyndi and he still chooses to call me Cyndi. I also go by Charlie which is a delightful example of a non-binary unisex name. I mostly wear unisex clothing although I’m a rather big & tall person so I can’t always wear what I want. I support and love clothing makers that make efforts to inclusive sizes and styles.

        • #131479
          DeeAnn Hopings
          AMBASSADOR

          Charlie:

          Glad that you are doing what you need to do! We can’t always do exactly what we need, but it continues to be a goal to work towards. Sadly there are political forces that are dedicated to denying us, but the only thing to do is treat it as another hurdle.

          In the 80’s (geez, ancient history!) I did programming work for 6 years, using Fortran, Basic, DATAtrieve and discrete event simulation with the GPSS/H and AutoMOD languages. A couple of expensive manufacturing system mistakes led to using simulation to begin to understand system throughput issues and how to address them. I worked for what was then Libbey-Owens-Ford Co. (now Pilkington NA). In 1990 I transferred from our Technical Center to a plant in Illinois. I got drafted into working on a quality assurance system for the plant. I believe it was the 1st desktop publishing work in the company. Our VP of Research was keen on getting Macintoshes into the company and shortly after began the work, a IIci and color monitor showed up in my office. Although I had no background in quality systems, in 18 months we went from the last of 7 plants with a 35% score to the 2nd of 7 at 85%. In ‘92 I joined Corning, Inc. and retired from there at the end of January 2016.

          I’ve lived in cold country all my life, so when I retired we moved to the SoCal desert. My wife and I both have health issues that are exacerbated by cold winters, so it was time to go. She is originally from the Los Angeles area, so this was close to coming back home for her. The front of our house faces due west and over the tops of the houses we can see real mountains. That is an extremely rare for a native midwesterner!

          I’m not sure if I have heard of your hometown before, but what it does is remind me that we ARE Everywhere! That always makes me feel REALLY Good. Thanks for that reminder!

          Be Well!

          1 user thanked author for this post.
          • #131491

            Hi DeeAnn,

            It sounds like you’ve done some interesting work with programming important to industry. Yes South Louisiana is a welcoming and nice place. I haven’t had too many issues presenting my feminine side, and there’s a lot of local people who are either allies or queer. I too like the feeling that inspires me that truth will win out over ignorance and intolerance.

    • #131448
      Michelle Lawson
      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      Charlie, all any of us can be, or strive to be, is our true selves. Any thing less is not being honest with ourselves. And how many are walking around not even realizing that… I imagine they are to some degree probably miserable. It is a blessing when we come to the realization of who we are. That takes a strong person to come to the realization you have come to. I applaud you for that. Hugs, Michelle

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #131455

        Thank you so much Michelle for your thoughtful reply! It is validating to hear that, in a world where I do not get a lot of that as a transgender individual, at least, not for expressing my gender identity in ways that make some people react. I want to stay positive, but I have trouble understanding what causes some to get so angry about what someone is wearing. But you know what? It is ladies like you, that help remind me that I do live in a world where there are other people that may only be slightly acquainted with, but still take the time to pass along encouraging words as one human to another.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #131437
      Terri Anne
      AMBASSADOR

      Hello Charlie,

      Welcome back to our TransgGender Heaven (TGH) site. Glad you are here – perhaps you will be able to stay awhile and explore the site.

      Terri Anne, Ambassador

      I don’t remember if I gave you these links last time.. anyway here they are.

      ======= Here is a link to the MtoF Chat room: ========
      https://transgenderheaven.com/chat/mtf-transgender-chat/

      =========== TGH How-to Navigation ============================
      https://transgenderheaven.com/forums/topic/member-howto-for-navigating-the-tgh-website/

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