Looking for advice/experiences for partners

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    • #32065
      Stazza
      FREE

      Hey, my name is Stacey. I’m in a relationship and have been for over a year with a trans woman (mtf) we finally got the month for her surgery after her meeting last week. So September is the big month.

       

      Im just looking for anyone I can talk to. I’d love to hear people’s experiences and get some more perspective on some things. I’d like to chat to any other partners there may be out there as I haven’t seemed to come across many that I could talk to.

       

      Im sorry if this violates any rules or people feel that I shouldn’t be on here. Feel free to let me know x

      • This topic was modified 5 years ago by Stazza.
    • #32070

      Hi Stacey,

      No, as far as we are respectful and we understand that we are talking openly to a wide range of sexual preferences (mainly oriented towards Transgender folk, but not limited to) any question is OK.

      I have two questions for you:

      1. Why are you with her in the first place? This means: what defines your relationship in the emotional aspects of it?
      2. After the surgery, are those aspects going, or are in danger of disappearing?

      I, for one, believe that Affirmative Surgery is for those who are out of synchrony with their bodies, not with their minds. If there is an affective disorder or an emotional issue, that is another topic. But the person that she already is, if she is good, if she loves you, if she respects you, if she is your partner in all things, will remain the same one after the procedure.

      If anything, the relationship will flourish as long as you both are in total agreement, and are OK with all the aspects, both social and personal.

      We are here for our sisters, and brothers, and their loved ones.

      • #32071
        Stazza
        FREE

        Hey Marianne,

        I would always strive to do my best to be respectful and never intentionally hurt someone. I’m here to learn. Each person it different and I understand that 😊

         

        To answer your questions, I’m with her because she makes me happy. She’s everything I want in a partner. We are open and honest with one another. We communicate and she has kept me in the loop since day 1.

        For the second part, no I don’t think that they are in danger of going. I have my worries about healing. Things like is she going to want me now that she has finally become who she always wanted to be. What if I can’t give her what’s she wants.

        [quote quote=32070]
        I, for one, believe that Affirmative Surgery is for those who are out of synchrony with their bodies, not with their minds. If there is an affective disorder or an emotional issue, that is another topic. But the person that she already is, if she is good, if she loves you, if she respects you, if she is your partner in all things, will remain the same one after the procedure.

        If anything, the relationship will flourish as long as you both are in total agreement, and are OK with all the aspects, both social and personal.
        [/quote]

        I do thank you for how you put and brought forward the issue of body over mind and it has made me stop and think. I do believe that you are right.

        Min just trying to be strong and be everything she needs me to be in these upcoming months and thereafter.

         

        Thank you you for your reply 😊

      • #32093
        Anonymous

        I totally agree.  Well said.👍

    • #32079

      An absolute pleasure Stacy.

      I thank you for the opportunity to help and please, if there is any other question, or you just need to chat, I try to be here every other day (not weekends though).

      I wish you both the best and hope that you grow wiser, older and happier together. May all go well with the Affirmative Surgery.

      💖🌸💗

    • #32184
      Anonymous

      [quote quote=32065]Hey, my name is Stacey. I’m in a relationship and have been for over a year with a trans woman (mtf) we finally got the month for her surgery after her meeting last week. So September is the big month.

      Im just looking for anyone I can talk to. I’d love to hear people’s experiences and get some more perspective on some things. I’d like to chat to any other partners there may be out there as I haven’t seemed to come across many that I could talk to.

      Im sorry if this violates any rules or people feel that I shouldn’t be on here. Feel free to let me know x

      [/quote]

      If you really love this person it shouldn’t matter what the person looks like on the outside but what’s on the inside that counts , think back to what attracted your attention to this person and relish that feeling, .

       

    • #32799

      I’ve seen quite a few couples who have stayed together after surgery – so no reason why you can’t.

    • #33222

      Hi, I’m new on here but I am the partner of a wonderful transman! We’ve been together just over 3 years.

      We’ve been through a lot together and still going strong. He’s yet to have top surgery and suffers with dysphoria, but we are getting there.

      Having the top operation this year and I’m positive that this will bring us even closer.

      I’m sure the same can be said for you and your partner. Just remember that you fell in love with the heart and mind of that wonderful person, a body is just a vessel, nothing more.

      Be happy and love each other x

      Maxine

    • #33349

      I transitioned over 30 years ago. I’m FtM and retain my lesbian identity. My relationships over the years have all been lesbian because sexual orientation doesn’t change with transitioning. I have some input to consider-

      When a person transitions, relationships will ultimately shift. The shifts show up as changing “gender roles” for some married folks. Another  shift is orientation.

      If a female bodied person is a married heterosexual prior to transition, their partner defaults to being perceived as a gay man publicly, and may have serious issues with being identified as such.

      I have several dear friends who are MtF and were married heterosexuals, with adult children, prior to transition. Their relationships suffered because their “gender roles” changed within the marriage. Additionally, their wives didn’t want to be perceived as lesbian in public or otherwise.

      My very dearest friend was ostracized from her grandchildren because her adult children wouldn’t allow contact with them as their grandmother. My friend had to detransition 22 years after transitioning in order to see them, and even that is very difficult.

      In my case, my relationships deteriorated because my lesbian partner(s) did not want to be perceived as heterosexual.

      Just a few things, among the many, to ponder.

    • #33730

      I have not had my surgery yet, not hormone therapy.  But, I must admit reading about all of you in relationships is driving me, well to drink.  I am so jealous and can’t wait for the same challenges you all face.

       

    • #34374

      I do worry myself.  I’m not in any questionable relationship, but I had a close pre-op TG friend who changed after surgery.  She became very arrogant and controlling and wanted me to be her very submissive ‘friend’.  Her dramatic change is what caused our friendship to abruptly end.  Firsthand, the arrogant attitude.  I left other former friends for that.  We are supposed to be supportive of one another.  We all have individual goals, some similar.  Sure I would like to be post-op too.  But not to be better than anyone else.  Ok, celebrate the change, but don’t dis others because they haven’t reached that place yet.  Others can celebrate with you if allow them to.

      My S/O would rather that I be post-op.  But we get along fine anyway.  The issue is not any roadblock.  I think people become too self-centered and put up a wall that others cannot easily socialize with them.  So here I am asking that if you are one to get bottom surgery that you do not jeopardize your relationship you have already established.  If you are the S/O of that person, be as supportive as you can without having to change yourself. Keep the communication very open between the two of you.

    • #93509

      Well if you love her I say yes see with me it was different with my ex it did not seem right to him or fair I told him and we both remain friends but not in a relationship but not all relationships are the same

    • #93511
      Stazza
      FREE

      [postquote quote=32065]
      So it’s been 2 years since this post, I had forgotten about this until I had a reply today.

       

      I am happy to say we we are still together and strong as ever 😁 We have been together for over 3 years now and it’s been a year and 3 months month since her surgery. Yes there are still some things in the personal area that we are dealing with but in the general/overall we are still very much happy and in love.

       

      Thank you to everyone who has replied over the years. If anyone ever needs any advice or has questions don’t hesitate ☺️

    • #95194

      I think you can remain BFF’s forever, but if your spouse is heterosexual, which I must assume she is she married a man, right? Then it’s not fair to expect her to remain chaste in your relationship, she’ll need a new man in her life. I’m sorry, but I’m preparing a scenario with my significant other that we remain like loving sisters, but are free to explore new partners, as honestly I am not romantically attracted to her as my truest self. I love her deeply, but we haven’t been intimate in many years, and I feel guilty because she doesn’t know that it’s my bottom dysphoria that makes me unable to “be a man” in the bedroom.

      • #131160
        Lee
        FREE

        Rachel, I have to agree with you. most likely most of us, if not all of us, had/have heterosexual spouses and they want a heterosexual relationship.

        My wife and I talked about the transition scenario and she said she marred me as a man – not a woman. She furthered stated she needs a man in her life. I cannot fault her.  So now we are planning to get a divorce but remain BFF. She stated she wants to be there for me through the journey.   I’m actually cool with it now. It opens a whole new world. And I do want to explore various types of relationships as I work on completing the transition. So who knows maybe one day I will have a new man in my life.

        We can only bend ourselves. Do not try to change your spouse. That’s not fair to her. Would you want her to stop your choice?

      • #138497

        I absolutely understand your reasoning completely.

    • #131163
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Over the years I’ve read lots of stories about relationships, with married couples where one person transitions, on this forum and 2 others. There are a number of variations, and as the late journalist, Harry Reasoner, once said: “If there is a pattern, I fail to discern it.”.

    • #132862
      Anonymous
      SILVER

      Hi, an interesting hypothesis.

      I personally began my full time transition just over 7 years ago and I lived quite androgenously before that.

      I have also been or still am a mamber of several support groups both in the UK and in France. My membership of these groups began many years before I went full time. I therefore feel able to give some expert validity

      It has been my experience that most don`t survive but some do. The variation and reasons are as far as I know an unknown statistic.

      So the results of this question lack any construct or expert validity and are just a fun
      .

      • #132863
        Stazza
        FREE

        Heya, I did update this post but I will reply to you. We will have been together for 5 years November. Her surgery was late 2019 so a good 3 years has nearly past since then. She recently purposed to me and I said yes!

        Have there been challenge along the way, sure! But never to with our core relationship. So I’m happy to report that yes things can work out.

        x

      • #138458
        Inuyasha
        FREE

        Congratulations! That’s wonderful, it’s good that everything worked out for you both. BTW, don’t worry about coming back if you have any questions or anything I’m sure everyone will be happy to help.

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