Looking for advice/experiences for partners

Do you think we can stay together after surgery?

I’ve been with her through hormones, blockers, counselling and other things that don’t come to mind. I’m so scared after surgery it’s going to all change. I love her so much and don’t wanna lose this.

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  Meran Berwyck 3 months ago.

  • Creator
    Topic
  • #32065

    Stazza
    Participant

    Hey, my name is Stacey. I’m in a relationship and have been for over a year with a trans woman (mtf) we finally got the month for her surgery after her meeting last week. So September is the big month.

     

    Im just looking for anyone I can talk to. I’d love to hear people’s experiences and get some more perspective on some things. I’d like to chat to any other partners there may be out there as I haven’t seemed to come across many that I could talk to.

     

    Im sorry if this violates any rules or people feel that I shouldn’t be on here. Feel free to let me know x

  • Author
    Replies
  • #34374
     Meran Berwyck 
    Participant

    I do worry myself.  I’m not in any questionable relationship, but I had a close pre-op TG friend who changed after surgery.  She became very arrogant and controlling and wanted me to be her very submissive ‘friend’.  Her dramatic change is what caused our friendship to abruptly end.  Firsthand, the arrogant attitude.  I left other former friends for that.  We are supposed to be supportive of one another.  We all have individual goals, some similar.  Sure I would like to be post-op too.  But not to be better than anyone else.  Ok, celebrate the change, but don’t dis others because they haven’t reached that place yet.  Others can celebrate with you if allow them to.

    My S/O would rather that I be post-op.  But we get along fine anyway.  The issue is not any roadblock.  I think people become too self-centered and put up a wall that others cannot easily socialize with them.  So here I am asking that if you are one to get bottom surgery that you do not jeopardize your relationship you have already established.  If you are the S/O of that person, be as supportive as you can without having to change yourself. Keep the communication very open between the two of you.

    1 user thanked author for this post.
  • #33730
     Collette Chambers 
    Participant

    FREE

    I have not had my surgery yet, not hormone therapy.  But, I must admit reading about all of you in relationships is driving me, well to drink.  I am so jealous and can’t wait for the same challenges you all face.

     

  • #33349
     Jesse Harris 
    Participant

    FREE

    I transitioned over 30 years ago. I’m FtM and retain my lesbian identity. My relationships over the years have all been lesbian because sexual orientation doesn’t change with transitioning. I have some input to consider-

    When a person transitions, relationships will ultimately shift. The shifts show up as changing “gender roles” for some married folks. Another  shift is orientation.

    If a female bodied person is a married heterosexual prior to transition, their partner defaults to being perceived as a gay man publicly, and may have serious issues with being identified as such.

    I have several dear friends who are MtF and were married heterosexuals, with adult children, prior to transition. Their relationships suffered because their “gender roles” changed within the marriage. Additionally, their wives didn’t want to be perceived as lesbian in public or otherwise.

    My very dearest friend was ostracized from her grandchildren because her adult children wouldn’t allow contact with them as their grandmother. My friend had to detransition 22 years after transitioning in order to see them, and even that is very difficult.

    In my case, my relationships deteriorated because my lesbian partner(s) did not want to be perceived as heterosexual.

    Just a few things, among the many, to ponder.

    2 users thanked author for this post.
  • #33222
     Maxine Lee 
    Participant

    FREE

    Hi, I’m new on here but I am the partner of a wonderful transman! We’ve been together just over 3 years.

    We’ve been through a lot together and still going strong. He’s yet to have top surgery and suffers with dysphoria, but we are getting there.

    Having the top operation this year and I’m positive that this will bring us even closer.

    I’m sure the same can be said for you and your partner. Just remember that you fell in love with the heart and mind of that wonderful person, a body is just a vessel, nothing more.

    Be happy and love each other x

    Maxine

    2 users thanked author for this post.
  • #32799
     Helen Dale 
    Participant

    FREE

    I’ve seen quite a few couples who have stayed together after surgery – so no reason why you can’t.

    3 users thanked author for this post.
  • #32184
     Danielle Nus 
    Participant

    FREE

    Hey, my name is Stacey. I’m in a relationship and have been for over a year with a trans woman (mtf) we finally got the month for her surgery after her meeting last week. So September is the big month.

    Im just looking for anyone I can talk to. I’d love to hear people’s experiences and get some more perspective on some things. I’d like to chat to any other partners there may be out there as I haven’t seemed to come across many that I could talk to.

    Im sorry if this violates any rules or people feel that I shouldn’t be on here. Feel free to let me know x

    If you really love this person it shouldn’t matter what the person looks like on the outside but what’s on the inside that counts , think back to what attracted your attention to this person and relish that feeling, .

     

    2 users thanked author for this post.
  • #32079
     Marianne Ferrara 
    Ambassador

    AMBASSADOR

    An absolute pleasure Stacy.

    I thank you for the opportunity to help and please, if there is any other question, or you just need to chat, I try to be here every other day (not weekends though).

    I wish you both the best and hope that you grow wiser, older and happier together. May all go well with the Affirmative Surgery.

    💖🌸💗

    1 user thanked author for this post.
  • #32070
     Marianne Ferrara 
    Ambassador

    AMBASSADOR

    Hi Stacey,

    No, as far as we are respectful and we understand that we are talking openly to a wide range of sexual preferences (mainly oriented towards Transgender folk, but not limited to) any question is OK.

    I have two questions for you:

    1. Why are you with her in the first place? This means: what defines your relationship in the emotional aspects of it?
    2. After the surgery, are those aspects going, or are in danger of disappearing?

    I, for one, believe that Affirmative Surgery is for those who are out of synchrony with their bodies, not with their minds. If there is an affective disorder or an emotional issue, that is another topic. But the person that she already is, if she is good, if she loves you, if she respects you, if she is your partner in all things, will remain the same one after the procedure.

    If anything, the relationship will flourish as long as you both are in total agreement, and are OK with all the aspects, both social and personal.

    We are here for our sisters, and brothers, and their loved ones.

    6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #32093
       Anonymous

      I totally agree.  Well said.👍

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #32071
       Stazza 
      Participant

      FREE

      Hey Marianne,

      I would always strive to do my best to be respectful and never intentionally hurt someone. I’m here to learn. Each person it different and I understand that 😊

       

      To answer your questions, I’m with her because she makes me happy. She’s everything I want in a partner. We are open and honest with one another. We communicate and she has kept me in the loop since day 1.

      For the second part, no I don’t think that they are in danger of going. I have my worries about healing. Things like is she going to want me now that she has finally become who she always wanted to be. What if I can’t give her what’s she wants.

      I, for one, believe that Affirmative Surgery is for those who are out of synchrony with their bodies, not with their minds. If there is an affective disorder or an emotional issue, that is another topic. But the person that she already is, if she is good, if she loves you, if she respects you, if she is your partner in all things, will remain the same one after the procedure.

      If anything, the relationship will flourish as long as you both are in total agreement, and are OK with all the aspects, both social and personal.

      I do thank you for how you put and brought forward the issue of body over mind and it has made me stop and think. I do believe that you are right.

      Min just trying to be strong and be everything she needs me to be in these upcoming months and thereafter.

       

      Thank you you for your reply 😊

      3 users thanked author for this post.

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