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Hey everyone, this is gonna be kinda long so sorry about that. Basically I’m just looking for any advice / reassurance / anything really as I’ve been questioning for about 6 years and really am doing anything I can to actually figure out who I am. I do have a therapist which is helping but not enough rn. Also I’m 20 and AMAB (and also ace).
A quick rundown of the things I think are important:
I remember when I was quite young, whenever I’d imagine things to fall asleep (if that makes sense) in all of the stories I’d imagine that, I was a girl. Which I never really questioned as I was idk, pretty young. Also I have always hated my deadname ever since I can remember but found the shortened version bearable.
I don’t remember when I learned about the concept of being trans, but I do have a few trans friends, and talking to them when I was around 15 or 16 (can’t quite remember how old I was for anything, could be younger) made me start to question my gender. This questioning has come and gone on and off ever since.
When I was 17 I covered my mirror in paper as I couldn’t bear to look at myself, on that, I’ve always hated both my body and my face (and used to be embarassed about body hair even though I knew all guys get it), always thought I was overweight even though I never have been. I have gone through questioning both NB and transfemme identities.
Never felt comfortable in male dominated spaces, played basketball for 12 years and just always had this feeling of not really fitting in, which I feel like could be caused by dysphoria but maybe its just because I’m not masculine like the guys who played it.
I remember a couple of years ago, I had a conversation with myself that if I just present cis and “normal”, life would be much easier so I should just do that, which I tried. I was in basically isolation in the UK (not my home country) for a couple of months over over Nov-Dec, during which my feelings for all of this came back really strongly and put me in a mental health, gender-questioning spiral for months, which I’m still kinda in.
For a while now I have done a lot of the classic things like only want to play female characters in games, have female characters as my profile pics etc on things, but then I worry that this, among other things, is subconsciously caused by being on and off subreddits such as egg irl over the last couple of years. I worry the same about literally everything now, including my hate of body hair etc.
I have, both drunkenly and soberly, told almost all my close friends that I want to go as Sabrina which they have all been super supportive of. Now that they see me as a girl, I really can’t imagine asking them to call me my deadname again. Also I really enjoy being referred to as a girl, used to give me a rush and still does when a new person uses it.
In terms of trying out female things, I was scared to try stuff in case I wouldn’t like it (I did try eyeliner and mascara when I was like 15 and liked it but stopped because I felt judged). Recently I started shaving my legs, which like, didn’t give me euphoria but also I now hate it when my legs aren’t shaved. I also tried wearing an outfit I bought with includes fishnets and a skirt and I really like wearing it. I tried using socks to make it look like I have a chest, and like it didn’t give me euphoria but it didn’t feel wrong, and I can’t stop looking at that pic of me like that. I also have been experimenting with eyeliner and mascara again and again, it doesn’t give me like happy euphoria but I do prefer that I look more feminine while wearing it.
Overall, I have been questioning so long that I don’t really know how I feel about anything anymore, but I don’t think I identify as a man, I don’t like being referred to as a man, and I find it crazy that my friends who I have talked to about this like being called men. (But then I’m like: what if thats just because I’ve read all this stuff about it and I don’t really feel this way?)
And then I’m like maybe I’m enby / demigirl, but then idk if thats just because it would be easier in a way than being a transwoman, but also thats not even true. Also I have had a few times when I’m drunk where I have cried for hours about all this to my friend and about how scary it all is, as I know I’m really scared of having to change up my life in that way as it will make things like getting a job etc so much harder.
Theres probably a lot more to say but thats just the stuff I can think of right now. Basically just in this spiral of questioning literally everything I think / feel around all this. Jealous of one of my transomen friends who is going to start HRT soon as shes at least confident enough in who she is to do that.
So yeah, any help is so so appreciated, I just want to figure out who I am, and like if anyone has any advice or can relate to any of this, it would help so much
TL;DR: Been questioning for 6 years, need some advice etc based on my experiences so far.
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Sabrina:
Definitely agree with working with a therapist. However, do make a point of finding someone with experience with gender issues as everyone doesn’t have this.
You touched on the idea of change. Our minds will go to great lengths to avoid change. Further, change is scary because it is usually uncharted waters and that brings a lot of stress and anxiety. Our minds usually work to minimize stress and anxiety, therefore we avoid change. One of the helpful things that a therapist can do is keep you focused on the things that you need to think about. Ultimately this will help you figure out what you need to do.
So, 4 things:
Please complete your Profile page. It really does help others to get to know you and your journey. Eventually all threads sink to the bottom of the pile as new ones are continually added. On the other hand, your Profile page will always be readily accessible and you can update it at any time if something changes.
If you would like to search for other members in your area, click on Social in the menu and then Member Directory.
As you live in or near Sydney, do some searching for LGBT resources or specifically for transgender resources. Many LGBT organizations offer support services and therapy services.
The Psychology Today magazine maintains a searchable database of therapists all around the world. You can search for who does what in your area and it includes a description of expertise and interests.
I don’t have much more to add than what has been said…but I will say I have been questioning for 25 years…and it doesn’t get any easier with time. With regard to taking on the world, job, life, house ,etc…ask yourself if it would be easier to do it as a male or would it be easier to do it as your true self, whatever that may be?
Steph
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Sabrina,
I read your essay several times now: you might want to read what you wrote; read it out-load.
My conclusion is you are a transgender-woman prior to seeing an acceptable path forward. I sense you are more scared then confused about your desired gender. Sense…Hell…I know!
The concerns you express about a more public acceptance, job difficulties, and therapist advice are all very real. I would recommend that you set your goals on being a woman at some point in your future (near or far: it doesn’t matter). This goal will help calm your mind. Then spend time; a month or years figuring how to survive & prosper during this period of transition. If in your mind you are a woman all the time, but are only a woman outwardly to your immediate best friends: that is a good start.
Your essay indicates that you are aware that you have to take care of all aspects of your life: employment, housing, relationships, career progression, and so much more. That is wisdom, not a reason to be afraid. By being aware you can create solutions that will support you as you navigate being a transgender-woman in a male dominated world.
Try to find happiness in all little pieces of progress towards the female life you want, enjoy them, let them carry your heart as you go out into the world as the male many situations force you to be. You will get there, it may take 60 years (it did me).
Don’t be confused any more; be strategic!
Love
Lukcia
Sabrina, looks like you have put a lot of thought and analysis into this, and it looks like it may be time to take it to the next level with a discussion with a therapist. Discussing this with a professional, will bring more to light for you to think about and consider. And to help you develop a plan to get you where you need to be. Michelle
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