Lost in transition – Coming out to my wife

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    • #102100

      I empathize with you and your situation. I am similarly in a place where I have a mostly understanding and even supportive wife. I have been to the therapist and long story short — I am not gender fluid. I am a woman. Like you, I have spent a great portion of my life denying it, excusing it, creating barriers and more than likely many of the same language you have used to explain it away. Like you, I have not in so many words ‘come out” to my wife, but that is something we are inching towards. She has agreed to spend more time with me while presenting as my authentic self which is a big plus for us both.

      In the end, there will be ups and downs. Questions. Doubts. Fears. And… not just from me. From her too. This not easy for me to be sure — just as it is not easy for you.

      The way I have approached it with my wife is in a few different places. First — there is no need to worry about things that may or may not happen. Unless I come out and announce you are transitioning to full time here and now, my wife and I are choosing not to worry about that. I am not prepared to that point, and so no need to worry. The other important element I keep pressing is that we are both changing together. I think that is an important element to bring into all of this.

      I really hope this all works out for you.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #102071
      Seren
      FREE

      Dear Beth

      a bit late to this but I want to reassure you that it is possible for you to get through this together. I’m just over a year in, having told my wife that I really liked dressing as a girl; I started seeing a therapist and it became clear that there was more to it than that. She’s been amazing, certainly confused at the start, but definitely supportive. Remember all the things that make you you, are still there, are the reasons you got together in the first place.
      I’m now just over 7 months on GAHT, feeling happier and more balanced than I have in years, and I think our relationship is better because of this. We have been sheltered by the lockdown so there’s still the social transition to negotiate but I think it’ll be alright.
      I’ve met lots of women still in happy relationships during/after transition.

      happy to chat anytime

      xx Seren xx

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    • #102044

      Beth, I am so sorry to read about your fears, I really wish it was one thing we could all not have to face.  Some people can’t deal with change, but you owe it to her to talk to her about it and above all, you owe it to yourself. Sweetie, I know you love her, but if you are not fully honest with her then you will end up resenting her, remember what people tell new parents to take care of your new baby you have to take care of yourself. At the same time, you have to be fair to her and let her have all of the information.

      It will take time and talking but you have to take the chance, I personally fear the alternative. I apologize if this comes off (this kills me to censor my self but this word gets a lot of knickers in a twist so I will) C-bombish. I do hope that whichever way you go works out but I really think not giving her a chance to love the real you is bad for both of you. If you fully talk it out she may just surprise you and be more understanding and okay after all you fell in love with her for a reason.  I am here for you if you ever need to talk to someone or scream at and call names.

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    • #102030
      Eve Kelly
      FREE

      Hi Beth

      How difficult this must be for you. I think you are absolutely right, the first thing is for you to be comfortable with your feelings.

      I never really had any issues about wanting to present as a woman. It began for me when I was 13, and to be honest I think I assumed I would “grow out of it.” But throughout my life, since then, it felt right.

      I was married 20 years before I was able to tell my wife. It was not something I planned, a situation arose and it just happened. It took a few weeks of giving her more and more details before I came out totally, and it became clear to her, this had been going on since my early teens.

      Lots of talking about it, but she became more and more relaxed about it, and soon accepted me completely. There are compromises of course and I have always cared about her feelings, but it was so liberating and led to me being able to live much of my life, at home, as a woman. I am still in the closet as regards family and friends.

      The major difference is that you may feel the need to go much further, transition and possibly moving towards complete gender change. That will be much more difficult for your wife to handle I am sure. But it will be a major step forward for you if you can take that first step with her.

      I wish you well and hope you have all the support you will need

      Eve xx

       

       

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    • #102003

      Hi Beth, right now I’m in the situation you’re worried about.
      Things are currently very chilly, as it was when she first found out about this side of me. She did eventually accept it is part of who I am, and for the last 10 years we’ve not mentioned it.

      Over the weekend my wife noticed I was wearing panties, as I said, she knows I dress and wants nothing to do with it. She sulked all day Sunday but then in bed we had a cuddle and a chat. Tears flowed, I explained how I feel and she understands where I am right now but is scared of where I might go (full transition). I didn’t say so, but ultimately this is what I want, but at what cost? She is my best friend and I have hurt her badly. We have a lovely family, 5 kids, 3 of which are now grown up, lovely house and lifestyle, and I am on the edge of  ruining it all.
      I know I won’t ever stop feeling the way I do, I have always put my family first, so do I break that for my own well-being or do I leave things as they are?

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    • #101970
      Shannon
      FREE

      I know excalty where and how you feel. I just recently came out to mine. I kept dropping little hints  and then one night we started talking about things we did when we was young with friends etc an she told me things her an her friends done and I told her things I had done with cosuin and then told her about when we was playing with each other he asked me to put my sisters dress on an i loved it and she asked if I would show her and she helped dress me etc an she’s more understanding more we talk about it.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #101951

      Hi.  I posted the thread about how to drop hints.  And the one just now about how/when to come out.

      You sound like you are in the exact same place as I am with a wife and 3 kids.  I haven’t been to therapy yet and when I do I feel like it will be just in order to confirm my feelings that I am woman vs. Me questioning.  I have stood at the cliff looking down for so long that I know the water is warm.

      I feel for you and it’s not easy…as the last thing you want to do is hurt your wife.  I have done been looking at a lot of posts and recommendations from others including Dr. Z., a gender therapist, who has a blog and youtube channel.  The thing that keeps coming back to me is that you can’t offer 100% of yourself to your loved ones unless you are 100% honest with you and them.  Its a lot easier said than done.

      My heart hurts for you and I wish you well.

      Stephanie

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    • #101196
      Anonymous

      Thank you for sharing. I have delt with what you are going through also.There’s an article here I liked the article about dropping hints. You know, go ahead and cry during a movie, go shopping together, do feminine stuff together. I lost one wife and tried to hide who I am. I got married again and this time I couldn’t stay in denial anymore. I came out not only to myself but to her. I don’t know if it’s going to work but I am content with myself and at peace. That’s what I have been missing in my whole adult life. If you find nothing else but peace within yourself then you have won half the Battle of life. Stay strong and just exude love. You’ll be fine. Everyone here will help support you. They have me.

      • #101228

        Hi Bryn,

        Thankyou so much for your reply. It meant a lot to me. I so agree about doing feminine things together. I do try to do that already. We are best friends and we do everything together. I wish I could just take the next step. I am such a coward. It’s almost as if I am waiting for her to ask me. I’m so happy for you being out to your wife and that you can be yourself with her. I wish you every happiness.

        Thanks again

         

        Beth

        xxx

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        • #101274
          Anonymous

          Hi Beth, this is a good topic. Even though I came out to my wife she’s still very upset with me. I tried to explain that I wasn’t trying to hide who I am even though I was, if that makes sense to you. I’m an older gal (57-58) and when I first really started to question who I was. I got shamed and laughed at(10-12). It has stuck with me through adulthood. I as well as allot of us probably have tried to come out several times until it sticks once we accept who we are. I didn’t hurt my wife intentionally, I just thought that my dysphoria would go away. It didn’t. I’m out now and happier than ever before. Scared some days. I love my wife, however I can’t let myself drown to save my marriage. If my partner can’t see that I am a better person because of who I am then, oh well right. People come and go in our lifetimes, but we are stuck with ourselves. I’m just trying to find my happynes and congruencey I have sought my adult life.
          You will be fine. Have faith in yourself and you have people here to talk with. Most everyone is supportive.

    • #101189
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Beth:

      Getting prepared for whatever may happen sounds like a topic to be discussed with your therapist. Know that it is very hard to make a prediction as to what will happen. Some couples stay together, some do not. For some, even though they may separate, they remain friends and some do not.

      I think the only thing to say about the future is that “It Depends”…

      5 users thanked author for this post.
      • #101226

        Hi DeeAnn

        I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and for your wise words.

        You are of course right.

        Thanks

         

        Beth

        xxx

        1 user thanked author for this post.
        • #101227
          DeeAnn Hopings
          AMBASSADOR

          Unfortunately none of us have crystal balls. I think there a number of factors involved in how we move forward. Personally I do know of people who stayed together and others who have not. Due to the unpredictability it would seem to be an area where you would need to rein in ones expectations…

          2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #101179

      Hi Beth…

      I take it you haven’t told your wife yet ?

      Gen ❤

      1 user thanked author for this post.
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