Mirrors

[Daphne Smith]

I have always liked mirrors or really anything that can reflect its surroundings.  I think they can be great for making a room look bigger or to give it more light. I find a calm lake that’s reflecting the grandeur around it one of the most beautiful things on this planet. Whenever I think about when I was younger at Grandmas house I can always picture the mirror that was hung over the couch. For whatever reason that mirror is a huge part of those memories.

The problem with mirrors is I hate my reflection. Seeing myself has always caused me to have such a disconnected feeling. I look at myself and I cant understand how what I see looking back at me is me. It doesn’t make sense to me. That’s not who I am.

Sometimes though I do see me its fleeting and gone as fast as it came. I cant look to hard because then what I see begins to twist in my mind. I see every flaw, every thing that makes me not her and that hurts. Shaving is an absolute nightmare experience for me. Every time I have to look at myself shaving I want to cry, I have cried.

When I do see her though, its just right. When I see her I dont hate myself I dont want to cry. I am not her yet but she is there I can see her in my eyes and the eyes are the mirror of the soul. She is there she is trying to come out. I hope soon everyone can see what I only get brief glimpses of in the mirror.

 

[DeeAnn Hopings]

That sounds like the essence of Dysphoria…

[Shannon]

Thank you for writing this, Daphne!  When I saw “Mirrors”, I had to check it out.  I’m still very new to HRT (little less than a month).  I haven’t been a particular fan of mirrors in the past, but since I started HRT (again, I’m a newbie and on low dosages while my care team meshes me and my levels), I’ve had a growing aversion to my reflection.  I think it’s because perhaps now that I’m listening to me and I trust what is true to me, I am becoming more euphoric, and when I see myself in the mirror, I see what I want to escape–an odd exoskeleton of malety unbefitting of my internal radiant femininity–and my dysphoria is greater?  I don’t know.  Everything seems so much more wonderful, except that dang mirror!  I tried bringing this up to my therapist, but we ran out of time (ugh).  Guess I’ll just have to keep putting up with that weird guy in the bathroom always trying to make eye contact with me when I brush my teeth for the time being.  Some day, though, I will be at complete ease when I get to see myself staring back at me!

Peace, Love, & Happiness to you Daphne!

Shannon

[Author]

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