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Growing up something always felt different. I had a few early memories of using a blanket to make a skirt and putting on my Moms huge (to me at the time being 5~6) heels. Something around that time stopped all of that in its tracks. At this day I dont know what it was, and I am now thinking that I might need to figure out what made me stop.
When puberty hit and I started to explore I found myself fantasizing about becoming female and what it would feel like. I desperately wanted to know what females felt. This led me down a long and weird kinky filled road.
In this journey I found my wife and also found that I enjoy dressing in female clothes. My wife was always there by my side encouraging me to do what felt right. We bought everything that I own together, well almost everything as she likes to spoil me every now and again :). During my twenties I loved my female clothes but only thought of myself as a CD and that it was a fetish I enjoyed. I was too ashamed to let anyone else know.
All along this path my wife would talk about her friend who is transitioning. I had never thought any of it until we had a huge fight.
The last 2 years have been rough on me. I took a job that I thought I would love, but wound but killing me with stress and our sex life died. In that time I had found chastity. It had been the one reprieve that I could find. In those limited experiences I found I could be my female self, at least at home. Downside was that I wasn’t being truthful with myself as to why I like it so much. So this December we fought, the worst most humiliating kind of fight, one about our sex life. Since I was lying to myself it killed it for us.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, the question, Am I a Women?
I didn’t want to accept it, but I told me wife anyways shortly after new years. Since then I have been a swirl of self doubt and questioning. Anger, shame, disappointment, the gamut of bad emotions.
Then this Sunday something clicked. We were in Kohls with the express purpose of returning an Amazon package and I found it. The wedding band of my dreams. Simple sterling silver with 2 band twisting together, one with “diamonds” and the other polished. Coincidentally my wife found one she loved too. So we bought them as our 10 year renewal of love to each other and ourselves. I told my wife that when I ware it I want to be referred to as Elizka or Lizzy. Then I put it on immediately and havnt taken it off since.
Since then I havent been able to take off my awesomely comfortable new leggings I got, even though I still ware other clothes over to present as male. I worked 4 hours in my dress (I work from home). And I came out to my mom last night, dressed in the most confident way I could… myself.
I feel free, awake, alive! I feel like me!
I will still struggle though. I cant present as Female full time at home as my dad (whom we are there to take care of ) has Frontal Temporal Dementia. I still haves waves of bad self doubt that prevent me from accepting myself 100% of the time. And I know coming out to everyone else and transitioning is going to be the hardest thing I ever do, but last night was a Win!
Let us all celebrate our Wins! We deserve each and every one of them!
-Hugs and Love
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