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I was informed this could be a good place to talk about my struggles. I have been struggling to connect with those who can help me with beginning my transition and needed a place to put my thoughts and experiences out there. I understand that people here are not medical professionals and cannot give such advice. I guess all I am asking for is someone to listen and maybe to hear that I am not alone and someone somewhere could relate. Trying to find both mental health help as well as the correct places to go for support in finding not only a HRT provider but a specialist in this area has been saddening and frustrating. This site has a excelent tool for finding resources and now that I am here I can start using it. But I started really persuing living the remainder of my life as the Jennifer that I am for the past 5 months. Since I was 9 I had desires to dress in female clothes and never really understood myself. Many people know from a young age that they are female and I feel like im ostracized because that was not how my experience was. At first it felt more like a cross dressing thing and perhaps that might have been true. As the years past I would have desires to be a woman, not only dress as they do but also to live as one. But these desires of mine I would supress and I would continue to try to be a man. I do have interests in technical subjects but does that mean I am less of a woman? Many women are technically inclined or do jobs that were labeled as for the other gender. I desire my body to match how I feel. I wish to look pretty and have pretty things but feel that I cant because society would not accept me. Thankfully I have been able to get out a few times in public and no real problems occurred. My mother supports my decision (mostly) as do both of my close friends. Though my mother is afraid to be seen in public as me dressed as Jennifer. My friend says that he would accept me and he has had various kinds of friends so he holds no judgements, though he makes interesting comments. He has told me that he does not see a woman in me. That makes sence because I have not shown Jennifer to him before so how could he possibly see it. Being born and raised to be a male I really don’t have the experience of knowing how a woman is supposed to act. So I feel trapped in two worlds. I have had a chance to speak to many transgender people in the past 5 months and every one of them have their own stories, experiences and opinions which I value. Am I making a mistake? am I supposed to be a man? These are questions I ask myself. Today I was able to pull myself together to be able to make more phone calls and it sounds very hopeful as I might hear something back on Tuesday. Places I have called before coming to this site TGH have told me I am too old at 40 years old and that they don’t handle my age. I would get numbers to call, and they would tell me the same things. My doctor does not know about gender related issues and told me to contact Rainbow Health who gave me resources. I believe what I need to do is find a psychiatrist first before committing to HRT. This does seem like a good choice to make sure I am making the right decisions for myself. My social skills need a lot of work to say the least and I am a very sensitive person. I cry a lot and lack the ability to read people. I do believe there are many un-diagnosed Mental health issues that I have beyond OCD which might have been mistaken for Autism spectrum. Currently I have referrals from my doctor to get help with these but the wait lists are so long and it feels im on a lonely path. I need support from other transgenders in the form of hearing their stories and learning. Someone mentioned a possibility of a sub-forum for social issues and that would help me a lot. Thank you for listening to me rant and I hope it has not bothered anyone.
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