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Where did it start for me? Waaaaayyy back in the past!
Yeah, it started when I was really young as we all find in our lives that we recognise our own identity at a very young age, some maybe later in life. This is not about when I realised I am transgender or whatever. This is about my journey through life. My ups and downs, my heart aches and struggles and my acceptance of tomorrow!
Yes, The tomorrow is what’s important for me today. What I do and decide today is going to affect my tomorrow. Today I have a problem. I have a decision to make because that decision to make today because it will be my tomorrow. I’m talking about the decision that creates success or failure.
I have been there in the past, hundreds of times. Like today, I’m sitting with a personal struggle about my studies. Spoken to my tutors and others who supports me and my friends. They all tell me I have this and I can do it, but they can’t see my mind and my heart. It’s seemingly easy for them to say that, but internally I’m falling apart, bit by bit.
See, I was judged and criticized by my family when I was younger. They cursed me by saying I’ll never be something and I’ll never become anything in my life. Now I’m not going into that, because that was already told in the articles I wrote. Why am I saying this? Today I received the most gorgeous dress I could find for my graduation coming up soon. Excitingly I opened the package and put it on to try it. It did not fit. That shocked me into believing, I do not fit. I do not fit in the society, I do not fit in the community of counsellors I became part of and I just don’t fit in. Now I’m thinking, is it worth wasting more time on my studies and who am I bluffing into believing I am a good person?
I look at my little fur baby I got after my near suicide attempt. She has now been part of my life for 5 years. I’m thinking If you came into my life as small as you are and I took care of you all this time and every time you see me your tail wagging to show your happiness even though while studies go on and neglecting you sometimes to concentrate, you still love me and want to be with me. it dawns on me, I do fit. I just need to realize that I fit. For you anyway.
The realization hits me. I started all this because there is a tomorrow. I always believed there is a tomorrow. The stresses of daily life have taken away my tomorrow, Why? Because I let it. I take a break and go for a walk, watch a movie of no importance and I’m thinking. I’m doing all this to prove a point. To myself and to those in the past who judged me. I’m rebooting my confidence and I’m thinking back to the words I’ve given to so many before. “Believe in yourself and everything else will fall into place around you soon” Now why did I forget my own golden rule?
I start over, looking at everything from a different perspective. Then I realise, I’m doing this because I care. I care about those who follow me and looking up to me. I care about who I am and I care because I believe in tomorrow. The day of my graduation and all the preparations still to do. Lots of work ahead still. Those on my side giving me hope, my sisters and brothers here and most important, the ambassadors who gave me messages of hope and encouragement. I believe again, but most of all, I believe in myself again and my confidence slowly returns.
That my dear, is my road to success. Not just that, but as the transgender female I am, I see tomorrow. So don’t let the struggles of today, take away your hope for tomorrow. Don’t let hard times rob you of your self-beliefs and don’t let struggles remove your happiness. When you believe in yourself you gain confidence and when you gain confidence, you gain success. Without believing in yourself, no matter what the world out there throws at you, you won’t make it but with believing in yourself, no matter what, that world out there will come to you and accept you! Just be you and do what it takes to be you, but most of all, “Believe in yourself and everything will fall into place around you soon”
That my dear, is my road to success as a transgender woman. Be my guest and do the same, Just try it, even for a short time, but try it. Let that also become your road to success, no matter who you are.
I believe you can do it and I believe in You!
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Hi Catherine, reading your post brought me to tears, although I’ve always cried easily, what you’ve shared really struck a chord with me. I am a transwoman, something I’ve been aware of since a young child. I’m actually in the process of writing a book about my journey as Lauren, so I’ve been doing a lot of digging into my past. I’ve always been a very sensitive person, and when I was young, like you, was also judged and criticized. I was the first born son, as such I was an absolute failure, never even coming close to what was expected of me, and on top of that, I was feminine in nature which might as well have been the kiss of death! Growing up knowing I was supposed to be a girl always made life a challenge, but I survived and, finally, last year, I released Lauren to live her life as a free woman.
I survived because I knew and believed in who I was. I always believed that a time was coming when I would be able to become and live as the true person I am, a trans woman named Lauren. Today I am living that life, and even though it has hardships it is a life full of so much joy!
You write of speaking to yourself, believing in yourself, clinging to hope and confidence.
The one thing that makes everyday life so much easier for a trans woman, is to face each day being confident in who we are! That self confidence is one of the best strengths we have as we live our lives in the midst of a world that often tries to deny we even exist.
Thank you Catherin for sharing, for baring your very heart and soul with us.Big hugs,
Ms. Lauren M
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Hi Lauren,
Thanks for the lovely words and for sharing your journey as well. Indeed we all have a story to tell and doing that, helps others to understand and reach out to their inner self.
Good luck with your book and I hope for success.
Have a lovely day,
Love and hugs,
Catherine.
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Thank you Catherine. Sometimes I feel the same way and just start to wonder, what have I done! I read your article twice, I really needed it today. So, thank you Catherine and realize you can be all you want to be.
Jenn,
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You’re welcome Jennifer,
I just do what I love to do and that’s my passion.
Love and hugs
Catherine.
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And that Cat is what makes you the wonderful woman you are today. The woman holding the torch in leading the way for others to follow. You have taught much, and I know you will teach much more in the decades to come. Everyday we wake up to find a new present shining through the window. That present is the day in front of us. That day is better because of those decisions we made yesterday. The challenges we faced and overcame, or at the very least put off until we were better prepared. But we faced them nonetheless. That is what gives us strength and makes us fearless. I count myself among the thankful in knowing your kindness, thoughtfulness, love and caring nature. The biggest of hugs and the best of wishes, Michelle
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Awww thanks for that kind words Michelle. I can’t really say anything but thanks for being part of my life. Many days I sit and wish that I was closer so I could go have lunch with you and Cloe and Joanna and some of the sisters. I may live in paradise down under but I miss all the great things happening in your world.
Big hugs back at ya!!
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