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Yesterday was equal parts wonderful and difficult. Life is a complicated mess at times, especially when you have 2 people in the house experiencing a crisis of personality.
First the happy part. 2 days ago my wife found a new hair dresser as we just moved to the area. She immediately loves the work they did so she primed the pump for me and told him about me. I was a little put off at first, but I get her reasoning. She needed to know if we would be welcomed there and she needed me to not have my first hair experience as a women be mared by a negetive social experience. So I went in and laid it all out for the guy. I have been balding for some time and very worried that I wouldn’t be able to grow my own hair. Turns out that I have enough hair and this stylist can help me reach my goals! So we sat down and picked out 3 goals that will allow me to have the beautiful hair I have always wanted. The rest of the experience was pure magic. I have never had such an amazing experience in a slim before. So I walked out feeling on top of the world.
So I come home and my wife is a mess. She has struggled with mental illness for years. Some years are better than others and this is a hard year. I had to sit by and hear her break down because the stress of being social in our house (we live with my parents) is too much. She had even talked about having to move when we cannot afford to. This is all because my mom is a social butterfly that constantly is running. She says things without fully thinking them through, so then my wife ends up reading into everything she says and get insulted constantly. It’s a hard place to be for me sometimes, but life has its sacrafices.
Then to add to the Rollercoaster I put this little gem together. I had always been taught to respect and love my body as it’s a gift from God. I just had a memory come back where as a kid (younger than 10 as that is when I got the internet). I would fantasize about becoming a women, but for some reason I have it stuck in my brain that I can’t because there isn’t a medically possible way to do. So because I can’t, I need to be we whink about it again because it causes me to much pain. I locked those thoughts away as a kid because I couldn’t bear the pain. How sad is that :(. I don’t know why I would think a medical treatment isn’t possible. I also find it hard to swallow that I also have this Godly respect for my body also in my head from around the same time. I am wondering if I had talked about my desires with someone and was promptly shut down.
I locked away all of those feelings. Hid them in different parts of my brain and personality. What is even more fucked up is that i still explored who I was. I still grew as a women emotionally, I still explored women’s clothing, and I still wrestled with thoughts of transition; but all of it was done in my head in a segrated way that didn’t allow me to see what was happening. I honestly had no idea this was happening in my head as I put a lock on it. But then I found the key and only realized now that it was a key. I needed to express how trapped I was and have someone call me out. I went into Reddit and posted in a confessional sub that I felt trapped. I was using chastity and horniness to put myself into a situation where someone would notice the pink panties I had on. I expressed scared hope that someone would call me out. Well someone on Reddit did, they told me “there are more of us out there than you think, just be yourself and not give a damn about what others think. ” At that moment it all started. The lock was removed and I started my journey.
I am sorry for the long rambling post. It was a hard emotional day for me. Getting it out helps.
Hi Elizka,
Thanks for sharing your story here.
First, well done on finding a good stylist, and getting some help with your hair. I’m hoping for the same soon, so was rather encouraged.
About your wife, I felt so sad for her, and for you, and this brought up a lot of painful memories from my past.
I did already try to respond once to your article, but it came out all wrong, and I didn’t like what I’d written. So I’m trying again now.
Elizka, you have the most amazing, loving heart. You are being a devoted, caring daughter for your dad, and mum; which is especially hard as your poor dad can’t acknowledge you as a daughter. Yet still you love anyway.
You are also clearly devoted to your wife, and she must think the world of you too. Be very grateful for each other, and for the love you share together … another sign of your amazing heart.
The living arrangements are clearly causing both you and your wife a lot of suffering. That is is very sad, and if I had any answers, I would offer them. But I find I do not.
It’s not remotely easy to resolve, as your dad still needs care, and you say money is tight. But perhaps you will get a break, somehow, and be able to move on with both of your lives.
I can’t think of anyone more deserving of a break than you two.
Do take care, and thanks for sharing xx
OMG Sophie, THANK YOU!!
Your words mean the world to me. Thank you so much. I am blessed to have what I have and I am blessed to be able to give so much love.
Speaking of love giving, I need to give you some. I realized this morning looking back at a response you had in the Disney Princess post how mean my post sounded. I am so sorry, you didnt deserve that. No one does. You were right that I hit a sore spot, I just didnt realized how sore. I hope you can forgive my actions.
All forgiven, no questions asked!
I replied more on the other post xx
Elizka, Thank you for sharing your experience and journey.
I’m glad you had a good experience at the hair salon, and it must have been really nice finally being treated as yourself by a sympathetic stylist.
I’m really sorry about what then followed. It must be so difficult for you, but at least you feel free to talk here. Which is good. Your wife does sound really wonderful, understanding and supportive, and she must love you very much. So hard to see her in pain like that.
I know you are playing a major caring role for your dad (and mum) right now: being a caring, devoted daughter, which is especially hard when your dad can’t acknowledge you as a daughter. And it sounds like you have financial pressure too.
But, hon, the arrangements are strangling you and your lovely wife too. They are stopping both of you being happy.
Your wife is crying for help. I fear – maybe – that she will at some point decide to leave, even if you don’t. That would be totally tragic. I do remember some horribly painful conversations with my ex, where she talked about how unhappy she was, and how she’d have to leave. And I never took it seriously… until she did leave.
I know none of this is easy… and my domestic arrangements post divorce and pre transition are not in the least bit straightforward either. So whatever you do, you’re probably managing better than me.
But one thing is clear to me: you have a totally loving and giving heart. Whatever you do, do let it reflect the deepest and most earnest love of that heart. And be yourself xx
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