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I don’t know why this always turns out to be a task that is hard for me to complete. I joined CDH and help form TGH so I would have a comfortable place to be myself. I do find my other things to do here, but the main reason I joined was to write.
At sometime in my life, I wrote what I felt. And I didn’t feel judged.. But then something happened, I didn’t like bad or harsh criticism. OK maybe it wasn’t that. Thinking about it, I remember, it got me in trouble. Why? I was to honest. Like I wrote before, I wrote how I felt. And I felt it made me sound feminine, gay, a sissy, and all those other names I could be called.
I don’t know why it mattered so much back then. Maybe just the fact that being different and having to fit in was the only way to be safe. Maybe that is my biggest regret. I didn’t write. I stopped writing, and filed every story and essay in my head, so no one would know me. I would leave no trace of the femininity, the fantasies, the truths that only I know. But not know that doing as I did, would permanently alter my life.
I would become bitter, heartless, and empty of any joy.
Why this matters today, is because, 6 years ago, I held a knife to my chest as I slept. I either was going to us it to protect myself or end my life. One of the lucky times that she left me alone after a fight and a mental break down. In some way that knife killed me. Cause I woke and accepted a reality that only was a fantasy and untouchable. The secret I swore I would take to my grave. I accepted I was transgender, and that I would live this life happy and different.
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It’s probably safe to assume most of the transgender community has dealt with the feeling of being possessed. Doing things to ourselves that we had no control of. In retrospect it’s hard to believe I never seriously harmed myself with some of the things I did . Wondering if I was being punished for something I did in a past life or someone’s version of a sick joke. A big mistake. Sound familiar? Here’s something that I will always wonder if was a weird coincidence or attempted suicide.
I had to get shoulder surgery 12 years ago. When they administered the anesthetic I said to myself “this is my ticket out of here “. When I awoke the doctor was looking down at me. I asked how it went. Obviously a little shaken the doctor said “it didn’t “ . Apparently when they gave me the drug I had a seizure and my heart stopped. I looked down and saw hand prints on my chest from compressions and all sorts of devices attached to me. After a week in cardiac ICU I became the owner of an ICD/ pacemaker. Just so happens the battery just ran out so Monday I am getting a procedure to get it replaced.
Lucky me . November 1st I am going for my bottom surgery. Because I have this device my surgeon insisted I get a complete cardiac work up or they won’t do the surgery. Repercussions suck.2 users thanked author for this post.
My heart goes out to everyone out there, I joined TGH to learn from all of my friend’s here and to talk about our journey’s to be our trueselfs.
I feel I am living as my trueself and having to live with my choices and the prats of this journey that had to be, that weren’t my choice but had to happy to stay alive. I do feel a since of guilt for those who got hurt by me because of this path I am on, my kids just tell me that it’s ok to want to be happy, because the other path is not a way that’s good for no one. I started out late in life finely dealing with my secrets and ended up in a addicted to drugs and a loveless marriage but trying to keep it together, but if you don’t like yourself you are going be numb to the ones you love and to yourself just as much if not more.
love and huggs
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To Jasmine and all that may read the other replies….. From time to time I just look at my kids and think how lucky I am that all is well with them. And reading what you all have written makes me feel lucky and guilty at the same time. Lucky that I have been so blessed in my transition, and at the same time guilty that you all suffered and I never had to. I know my words are probably coming off all wrong, but I don’t mean them to be. But I am most thankful that you all are able to share your lives with us all. So we can learn, and appreciate what we do have in our own lives. I thank you all, Michelle
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Michelle,
Don’t feel guilty for your life. I had made the choices that I made. Fully understanding the pros and cons. Undoubtedly it’s made me the person I am today. I’m thankful for you appreciated the obvious, that many of us may have lived hurtful or tormentful lives.
Sometimes I feel we fail to recognize those who are not as fortunate as others. And I fail them by not writing my story to help them relate. Or find others who understand what they are going through.
Jasmine, you remind me of something else I do feel though. I don’t know how many times I feel frustrated with my own inability to provide the help to others I see suffering. Yes, I know it isn’t my responsibility, or my job, and that I’m not a trained professional. But nonetheless I do feel like I have let them down. But, each day I do wake up hoping and trying to do a better job today than yesterday, and hopefully someday…. Just know I thank you and everyone here for all you do to make my life, and the lives of everyone here; just a little bit less burdensome each day. Hugs, Michelle
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Wow I can relate I don’t know how many times I’ve held a weapon of some sort and I’ve come close a few times couple of which were after I came out as trans I have a couple nasty scars because of it hell for a while I was even a cutter of course that was before I came out so I can relate it sucks but at least we’re all happier now that we’ve accepted who we are and decided to hell with everybody else we are going to be us whether they like us or not
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Wow! What a powerful post!! I never held a weapon, but so many times I resigned myself to living with the secret that I would also take to the grave. I determined that if one of us had to be miserable, it would be me and not my wife. But this year, something just clicked inside and I realized that I would never attain complete intimacy with her with this huge anchor pulling me deeper into the abyss. The only way out is with full honesty and vulnerability, to your loved ones but more importantly to yourself!
Thanks for sharing such a stirring message – it’s just what I needed today!
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I remember feeling g exactly that way. I always told myself, I can handle the hurt that others can’t.
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