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Hi Everyone my name is Nick or Nikki. I came on here just to get some more answers about myself. For a year now I’ve been crossdressing. I absolutely love it. I even went to see a makeup artist to get dolled up. When I saw myself in the mirror I was ecstatic. I felt happy, calm, and empowered. I wasn’t scared to walk out of my car and to my apartment. I already made another appointment to learn how to apply it myself. Since my first time crossdressing I just crave it more and more. I look in the mirror and hate seeing the man that stares back at me. I hate the body hair but I really have no real hatred for my genitals. I look down and I feel nothing. I’ll pretend to have a vagina in the shower and I just crave having breasts, long hair, and soft hairless skin. I daydream about being a woman every night and get erections when thinking of it which doesn’t make sense since I rarely masturbate while in femme.As a child I do remember playing with my cousin and her dollhouse and in late middle school I would sneak into the bathroom to try on my moms makeup. I already went to see a gender therapist and she ruled it as possible gender dysphoria but I found it waaaay to early to diagnose since it was the first session. My fiance doesn’t think so and she thinks I want to be a woman for all the wrong reasons. I am currently having a mental breakdown and don’t know what to do? One side of me really really wants it to be true but the other says what are you nuts? Sorry for the rambling, just confused right now. Any opinion would help.
I don’t pretend to have answers, but I want to share this. I struggled with a lot of the same things as you described. I first thought it was just a love for crossdressing. I then thought my love for crossdressing dressing was a fetish. I then thought I was gender fluid. None of these were ever enough to bring me peace. I had to be honest with myself about my desires, dreams, and views of my identity. Once I alliwed myself to let go of the expected societal norms, I realized very clearly that I have been forcing myself to be what others expected me to be. I highly recommend seeking more therapy to help find your true peace.
Let me know if you need an ear to listen.
Hugs
Kelly
A few things come to mind…
The selection of a compatible therapist is important. Some folks don’t have the knowledge concerning gender issues and others don’t have the sensitivity for it. That doesn’t make them bad therapists, but it does mean that their help in your situation wouldn’t be helpful. Suggestion here would be to check in with any organizations or support groups in your area for recommendations. Curious about the thought of gender dysphoria after only one session. That seems premature unless you exhibit the criteria almost exactly. In the course of my engineering career I’ve done some work with process forensics. The process is that you gather the facts and that points to theories and ultimately to conclusions. Deciding early on what possible conclusions are tends to lead one in the direction of finding things that support that conclusion; often at the expense of missing or ignoring other useful pieces of information.
Sorting out ones gender identity is a journey. Journeys take time. There are no shortcuts. It took you X number of years to get to this point, so it isn’t going to be sorted and unraveled next month and perhaps not even next year. It is important to stay the course. What’s the saying? “All will be revealed in the fullness of time.”. Perhaps not all, but mostly.
Lastly, I’m curious about the “wrong reasons”. Can you explain that further?
Nikki
First let me say that you look lovely!!
Now, your story sounds quite a bit like mine. I was particularly struck by your statement that you hate your body hair, would love breasts, long hair and soft hairless skin but aren’t bothered by your penis. I feel exactly the same way!!! I identify as gender fluid and would love to live as a woman most of the time although social, business and family keep me mostly in man mode. I don’t expect to go on hormones to grow those breasts and change my skin and hair but we’ll see how things evolve.
I hope this is of interest and please feel free to message me to talk further.
Lots of love
Alexandra
Hey Nikki, nice to see you here.
I’m also in a similar place, or maybe a step or two ahead. Like the others have said already, the choice/finding a compatible therapist is super important; I got super lucky with this as she has helped me explore what/who I am. I’m also lucky that my wife is so far on board, patiently listening, waiting, watching, not pushing me to do anything or nothing. The lockdown was freakin’ stressful for me but then I’ve come out of it pretty certain that I at have to try hrt. Like you I’m not thinking about bottom surgery, but the rest? Hell yes!
hope you’re having a good weekend, or at least not a 💩 one xx
Hi Nikki
Thanks for sharing this and being so honest and frank. This is the reason why I joined so I can understand other CrossDressers and help me to understand myself. We don’t seem to fit in with the rest of society hence we needed our own community. Would you be happy to chat on Zoom instead of texting here. I’d like to show what I look like when I’m dressed up and also it’s more real.
Alan
This is very similar to where I’m at. I want to live as a woman…completely. No more false boobs and tucking. It’s just such a major step and I’m struggling to determine if it’s worth it and if I’ll regret moving forward. I think the answer is counseling. I need to find someone who knows this stuff and talk it through.
Thanks for sharing and being honest. you are not alone!
<3
Emily
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