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This is a re-post of mine from Crossdresser Heaven:
So I’ve been doing a lot of internal thinking (which is extremely healthy right? haha) but I’m starting to think I may be transgender. The earliest thoughts I have are fantasizing about being forced to wear women’s clothes. I later found out that fantasies about “being forced to do something” are really just the mind’s way of expressing a desire that is soceitally inappropriate. Around puberty at the age of 10 (which is pretty early, I know) I remember praying to “God” that “He” turn me female. This is when I started to become very depressed and encountered my first thoughts of suicide. I’ve dealt with depression for most of my life. Later I started to abuse drugs and alcohol to provide for emotional relief but it lead to a downward spiral and after a few years at college I wound back at home. Now I am glad to say that I am one year and eight months sober (!) and extremely proud of myself. I am currently enrolled at UW – La Crosse and am pursuing a degree in Psychology.
In the past, I have become entirely engrossed in my feminine self for a brief periods of time. I would buy tons of clothes, makeup, etc only to become ashamed of myself a couple weeks later. I would then throw away everything and try to readopt my male persona. Despite my knowledge of the non-binary aspect of Gender, I always thought it was an either/or thing with me. I’ve always been VERY attracted to women and I thought that by becoming feminine I wouldn’t be able to date women, but I’ve beginning to disbelieve this.
I’ve taken several Transgender Tests on the internet, including the “COGIATI” test and each has stated I am a good candidate for gender dysphoria. This is both comforting and disconcerting at the same time.
Recently I have bought a lot of makeup, clothes, etc. But I am not as focused on the sexual aspects like I used to when I was younger. I’m living with 4 other male roommates who I was randomly assigned to live with and they have no idea. Coming to and fro from the bathroom is quite an ordeal in the mornings since I don’t want them to see my hairless body or my pink toenails. I like my roommates (at least 3/4) but some are pretty close-minded (<coughs> Republican) and I’m pretty sure if I were to come out and say, “Hey guys, just to let you know: I’m a woman” they would be surprised. Not to say that I’m not going to express myself based on their ignorance. Screw that.
My plan so far is to go to counseling at the University (since it’s included in tuition) and hopefully explore these aspects of myself. I also REALLY want to go out en femme and develop more feminine characteristics (walking in heels, voice exercises, maintaining smooth skin) regardless of whether that makes me trans, genderqueer or whatever. The fact is I like being feminine. It makes me happy.
Thanks for reading!
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