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I feel like I’ve been through a million different emotions since I found this site and signed up yesterday.
First, I didn’t know what I wanted to say, and then the idea of putting down who I really am on a public forum freaked me out. But I have always been quite a bit of a loner and had few friends, and now I don’t really identify with any of the friends I have anymore and am in search of new “people.”
I am “evolving” although I don’t think the evolution will ultimately be to transgender. I currently view myself as congruent with female assigned at birth/pansexual/genderfluid.
Many years ago I was in a marriage where we swapped partners. Sometimes the other wife and I would engage in light sexual behaviors that were primarily focused on providing visual pleasure for “our men,” but I also really enjoyed engaging with the other lady. The connection was specific to her, however, and did not generalize to other women.
After the divorce, years went by in straight, male/female relationships without much further thought to being anything different.
Last year I began seeing a genderfluid man who opened up a whole world of new thoughts, emotions, and sexual expression for me. I readily and enthusiastically engaged with him. He moved easily between male and female emotional and sexual expression and I found myself extremely attracted to that presentation. It pretty naturally progressed to us switching roles back and forth and I found that I REALLY loved being the typically “male” partner through use of a strap on. He enjoyed doing his nails, pretty women’s underwear and lace, and I enjoyed leather. It was an awesome combination of feminine and masculine energy all rolled into each lovemaking session except that instead of the feminine and masculine being “contained” within each of our assigned genders, we moved back and forth between the masculine and feminine within each of us. It felt like the ultimate yin/yang and I loved it. Sadly, out of the bedroom, in spite of having multiple other common interests which might have held us together, our relationship was fraught with arguments and misunderstandings and did not survive. I miss it and feel sad and lost like I will never find another person that I am that sexually compatible with, and I have no one to talk to about it because all of my other friends eyes glaze over and they don’t “go there” when I throw out feelers to see if there is anyone out there who is open or similar to me.
Additionally, I am very metaphysically spiritually oriented and this man had the same weird combination of intensely spiritual and sensual aspects. I would say that I lean toward paganism because I strongly feel the pull of Earth and Nature as my spiritual energy place, but found that paganism has almost as many branches of different beliefs and practices as regular brick and mortar churches and religion. I don’t want to follow someone else’s scripted path. I want to find and follow my own path, so I am in a similar situation spiritually to feeling like I have no “tribe. ”
So here I am. I realize this is a Transgender support site and I honestly don’t see myself moving on to that point, but who knows? I am way different today than I was a year ago. I don’t know where I might be in another year. I do know that so far I have enjoyed exchanging my own masculine and feminine energy with my previous partner’s masculine and feminine energy, but we were each content to express those parts of ourselves within our “assigned” genders without feeling a desire or pull to transition over to being the other gender, maybe because we enjoyed being BOTH so much. I miss that. I don’t know that I won’t change how I feel about it, but for now I am comfortable with being female and genderfluid. My hope is to maybe make some friends that I can actually be real with, and they with me, and maybe discover, eventually, some other resources for other fluid people like myself while I try to figure out all this sexual identity/spiritual “stuff” going on inside of me.
Thank you for taking the time to read through my thoughts. I realize it got pretty long here once I started writing and trying to express myself. You are appreciated and I am grateful to be here!
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