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<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hello everyone, I’m Tye.</p>
My story is a bit disorganized and after about 20 years I’m still in the same life chapter of “Struggle”
To start, I’ve been all over the internet looking for support groups or even just one person to talk to, just to maybe relate because I am beginning to feel alone in the world which caused me to end up here.
I was about 5 I knew I wasn’t normal because as a little girl, I’d always be the prince. At about 9 I figured I was just a lesbian in the closet. So I rolled with that for many years. I was about 13 and figured out I didn’t want to be a girl, but coming out as a lesbian was way easier then trying to explain to my mother that I didn’t want to be a girl. I also never really had friends i could turn to after this age. I did poorly in school. I was always made fun of for being boyish. I was taken to therapy and they forced ADHD pills down my throat and I turned into a bland human being that felt I was just a monster to be caged. Around the age of 14 I noticed my mother became a functioning alcoholic and nothing I did was good enough for her. I lived in my room if I wasn’t at school. She would come into my room, take all of my artwork and throw it in the fire place where she had me watch all of my creativity burn before my eyes. At 17, I finally worked up the courage to tell her I liked girls AND boys (I don’t discriminate. I love souls.) She told me July 4th (just after my birthday) to get out.. with a lot more profanity.. I went and lived with a friend for a while… like a month. Then I feared over staying my welcome so I left and lived in my car from August to December. I went back to my mother and she asked me if my nonsense was over. I of course lied, I had too many encounters with police. I never got arrested, but I sure didn’t want to for any reason. I was working two jobs and finally met a girl on a silly game I played on my computer (if and when I had free time) she was the only person at the time that accepted me as I was, no matter my strange and goofy ways. She had me meet a couple of her friends and at that moment, for a while, I felt everything was going to be okay. I had friends. ME. The weird loner had like 3 friends. It was amazing. I got a new job at an airline, they got lives and we all still communicate occasionally, but I was back to being alone. At the new job I made new friends, all guys, because I still didn’t understand girls as much (though I was born one?) Two of them moved on from the airline business and that left me with one. He is still my best friend and he encouraged me to go to a therapist to start my journey. (I got cleared for T and surgery) I ended up married to him, still preop/preT. Anyway we had a kid and he had two from a previous relationship. When the little one was born we talked about what to do about the transition and I told him that maybe it was best that I don’t. Im currently thinking my snake of a mother slithered into my head, “a child needs a mother” I stepped up my ‘mommy’ game for four years and I’m beginning to crack under the pressure.
After Locking Tye(my male name) away in the cage in the back I currently hear him screaming and breaking the steel cage. He’s aggressively trying to free himself, but I fear for my kids. Would they be made fun of because Mommy is now Daddy? Would my kids resent me? Would my mom and her family abandon me(again) like my birth father did? Would I be constantly ridiculed by my alcoholic mother?
I have yet to communicate too much of this to my husband. Im preparing to later on as I type this out. I haven’t told my mother anything. With Tye locked out and (Insert one of the most common girl name from the 90s here) free to roam. I feel as if I’m a fraction of a person. I guess I’m looking for someone to connect with me or have a helping hand on what I should be doing to counter my distaste for myself.
Thanks for reading, I apologize that its so lengthy and poorly written. If you have any advice or ideas you could pass my way, I’d appreciate it. Or if you just want to chat. Let’s chat. -Tye
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