New (warning: Venting)

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    Topic
  • #96030
    Jackson Wheat0
    Participant

    I’ve always been exceptional at denial, especially when it involves something emotionally painful that I can’t change or avoid. So it’s only been in the last 2 weeks or so that I’ve finally been seriously asking myself if I’m the gender that I’m “supposed” to be.

    I got a binder through GC2B and they are fantastic. I can’t recommend them enough. and I’ve been wearing it every single hour I’m allotted, every single day. I didn’t think it would make that big of a difference but it does. Suddenly, I have the mental stability to wash my face and comb my hair and actually care about what clothes I wear and showering. All the little self-care tasks that seemed pointless before, I actually want to do them.

    But now that I’ve opened up this can of worms I’m not sure if I can go back. I can’t stand the feeling of my chest when I don’t have my binder on. I’m pretty well endowed so even with a binder my chest still reads as female, just flat female in a tight sports bra. I’ve always thought my voice sounded high pitched and a bit nasally but now I can’t stand the sound of it, especially when humming or singing to songs.

    I’m afraid to explore being a man further because I’m not exactly in a place where I can transition. My family is fully supportive, I don’t have any problems there, thank god. But I live in rural Kansas and I am in the middle of a 2 year nursing program. I don’t want to transition during school, mostly because I’m afraid to be in that awkward middle ground phase where I can’t pass as either one or the other. But I am rapidly growing to despise anything that reminds me that I’m not actually physically a man.

    At the moment of writing, I’m just angry and frustrated because it’s easier to bear than feeling helpless. I’m waiting on an email back for a transgender counselor who will meet with me over something like Zoom, and an adult transgender support group who meets a 2 hour drive away. hopefully they’ll have online meetings as well to save me some gas. Next weekend my sister is going to come down and help me pick out masculine clothing and I’m thinking of trying out a packer or stand to pee device to see if it helps me feel better the same way a binder did. I’m also working on an exercise routine to broaden my shoulders but I’m not quite strong enough to fully start it yet so I’ve had to modify that routine down even farther.

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    • #96102
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Jackson:

      Happy to have you here! It is important to remember that every journey has a starting point. Sounds like you have put some thought into how things sit for you and that is a good thing. Having access to a therapist will help further that self discovery.

      I think there is something profound in what you said about your experience with the binder. I had a similar epiphany when I wore a dress for the first time in public. While I was a bit anxious about being seen by someone I knew from work, I felt surprisingly comfortable. Eventually I came to realize that it was one of those moments that truly informs us.

      I agree with not starting to transition during school. I suspect it would be quite a distraction at a time when distractions wouldn’t be good. Hopefully the therapist can help you work through that.

      For the time being, I suspect that the support group is not meeting in person, so that should make things easier for you to attend. I am part of a lesbian chat group and we haven’t met in person for close to a year.

      Thanks for completing your Profile page! I probably have to remind about 90% of the people who join here.

      Be sure to have a look at the F>M Forum and Chat Room. Also, if you want to search for other members who may be nearby, click on Social in the menu and then Member Directory

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #96042
      Michelle Larsen
      AMBASSADOR

      Jackson, welcome to our neck of the world. And no, venting is just fine. We all have shoulders here for you all to cry on, or vent on. We are a very supportive family, and that is what a family does; be there for support for each other. If you look in Social -> Member Directory, you can search for other people that may be near by. Or under Places -> Local Places, you can search for all sorts of things that may be near you. Hope to see you chatting soon. Oh, and don’t forget about digging through the Articles and Forums. Loads of information there. Hugs, Michelle

      1 user thanked author for this post.
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