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I’ve always been exceptional at denial, especially when it involves something emotionally painful that I can’t change or avoid. So it’s only been in the last 2 weeks or so that I’ve finally been seriously asking myself if I’m the gender that I’m “supposed” to be.
I got a binder through GC2B and they are fantastic. I can’t recommend them enough. and I’ve been wearing it every single hour I’m allotted, every single day. I didn’t think it would make that big of a difference but it does. Suddenly, I have the mental stability to wash my face and comb my hair and actually care about what clothes I wear and showering. All the little self-care tasks that seemed pointless before, I actually want to do them.
But now that I’ve opened up this can of worms I’m not sure if I can go back. I can’t stand the feeling of my chest when I don’t have my binder on. I’m pretty well endowed so even with a binder my chest still reads as female, just flat female in a tight sports bra. I’ve always thought my voice sounded high pitched and a bit nasally but now I can’t stand the sound of it, especially when humming or singing to songs.
I’m afraid to explore being a man further because I’m not exactly in a place where I can transition. My family is fully supportive, I don’t have any problems there, thank god. But I live in rural Kansas and I am in the middle of a 2 year nursing program. I don’t want to transition during school, mostly because I’m afraid to be in that awkward middle ground phase where I can’t pass as either one or the other. But I am rapidly growing to despise anything that reminds me that I’m not actually physically a man.
At the moment of writing, I’m just angry and frustrated because it’s easier to bear than feeling helpless. I’m waiting on an email back for a transgender counselor who will meet with me over something like Zoom, and an adult transgender support group who meets a 2 hour drive away. hopefully they’ll have online meetings as well to save me some gas. Next weekend my sister is going to come down and help me pick out masculine clothing and I’m thinking of trying out a packer or stand to pee device to see if it helps me feel better the same way a binder did. I’m also working on an exercise routine to broaden my shoulders but I’m not quite strong enough to fully start it yet so I’ve had to modify that routine down even farther.
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