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Hi ladies,
Im new to the online world but not to this lifestyle. OMG its hard to begin. I guess at the start lol.
I recall as a young child I was so envious of older sister, she could wear all these great clothes and for me it was jeans and tee shirt or Chinos (it was the style at the time) I recall pixy boots coming into fashion, I loved it, as last something feminine to wear out without stigma.
I am still hiding away here, although I have a daughter who is a total tom boy lol i find it so funny she is desperate to dress like a boy, I cant imagine her face if I ever told her !!
I am divorced 8 years and just parted with a girlfriend of three years who was aware of my dress code and was supportive of this, we would often go clothes shopping with me as the bored boyfriend but inside desperate to have a look for myself .
We went for a walk with me “dressed”, in the dark away from everything, lol I smile as I type this I was so nervous. Now in the winter and the dark nights I’ve started to walk out alone. I passed two people the other day, I almost died, but a voice in my head said “you look like you want to, with hair and makeup in the twilight nobody is going to know” so I passed them without incident.
I know to some of you this is tiny tiny stuff, but for me was a huge thing. As I sit here and type this out I’m in my new outfit with new hair and after yet another youtube tutorial the best make up I’ve ever done and might go out later. I’m trying to make the end of a path. lol.
I run my own business self employed and could never come out to the world as my line of work and skill set would not traverse the change, so I guess I’m stuck here as I have been all my life.
I guess I’m on here to have some release for my way of life that I used to share with my ex but now face alone again. I’m looking forward to chatting with you all and look forward to any reply’s.
Love Rachel x X x
Know that there is nothing “tiny” about any of this. Virtually all of us begin with a bundle of nerves, anxiety and fears. Over time this dissipates, but it is not the work of a minute. For me, after nearly 6 years of being out in public other 4 to 6 times a week and many different settings, preparing for a new setting or likely being among many people that I don’t know, often an extra trip to the bedroom is required before I leave my house. But, the important thing is that it doesn’t stop me.
Are there any support groups or an LGBT center nearby? If so, it might be a good thing to spend some time among your peers. I understand the occupational part. I’m a retired mechanical engineer of 43 years. I’ve spent a lot of time in factories and machine shops in various places around the US and the world. Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor…
Lol, was a mechanical engineer for years and now work in home maintenance and landscape design and build. There is a club “Pink Punters” I’ve never been. I would like to but I’m quite a loner, I work alone, live alone, and I’m not being funny but I have no friends. Mainly due to once I’ve finished for the day its my time. Time for me to be me and relax. My home is a little unusual as I live on a boat and have joggers walkers canoeists dog walkers and other “boaters” lol, so I come home change and sit. Now I type this I see I’m quite sad about it all.
It’s nice to meet you, Rachel!
On this journey, as with all other worthwhile aspects of our lives, we grow, because this journey IS worthwhile; perhaps more worthwhile than any other. So, celebrate every single “tiny” thing that you achieve, because there will be a time when you look back and realize (as DeeAnn said) that nothing was really “tiny”, but rather all were building blocks toward something beautiful!
Hugs, Shawna
Hello Rachael, it is good to have you here. Your story is very common. Once you overcome all of those little things then you have accomplished the big ones. So just focus on each challenge one at a time. Every trans girl I know was an introvert when they were in the closet. After we start our transition we change to want to have people around us. Give everything some time.
We are here to help.
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Rachel:
At our core, we are social creatures. That’s why we develop relationships with other Hu-Mans. It is natural for us to do that. So, being among other Hu-Mans is could be a useful thing for you.
There is a personality evaluation tool known as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Basically it is a bunch of questions aimed at seeing where you fall in terms of ones personality traits. There are 4 couplets, but the one I want to mention is the Introvert/Extrovert. The numerical scale for all of the couplets is 1 to 6. It’s done like that so that you can’t score dead center. I’ve taken the test maybe 6 times over my career. Regarding the Introvert/Extrovert couplet, I typically score a 3 or a 4, meaning that I am close 50/50. While I am quite gregarious, other times I am very content to keep my own company. Anyway, the point is the my introverted side understands exactly what you mean.
For a bit over 2 years I was a board member for our local trans group. During the course of a year, we would do informational tables at events 6 or 7 times a year. Each day was on the order of 5 or 6 hours. I enjoyed talking to people, telling them about the organization and responding to their questions, but at the end of the day I was dead tired. For me, it took extra energy to be that outgoing for that long. It would just deplete my energy resources.
So, let me propose a strategy. I’m guessing that the group meeting is 2 hours. Make an agreement with yourself to stay for 30 minutes. If the environment doesn’t feel good or you don’t feel uncomfortable after 30 minutes, get up and leave. If it is OK to stay, give yourself another 30 minutes, and decide again, etc. Each of the time check points acts as decision point. Further, you are deciding if you feel comfortable and not on staying or going because you have already decided the course of action based on what you think about the environment.
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