Not Sure if I should tell my counselor…

[Tory Bailey]

So I had a really bad fight with my wife the other day.  I was having an episode about my physical issues while I was home alone with my daughter which led to my wife coming home to me sobbing on the bed.  She’d just had a hard time at the DMV and got upset, telling me I shouldn’t be concentrating on my surgery because it is the last thing that will happen.  We fought over various issues for about an hour, leading to her sobbing on one side of the room and me sitting on the other, contemplating what I was about to do.  When we resumed fighting, I got up and said I was going to put an end to things.

I then picked up a large knife and tried to walk out the door.

My wife stopped me, and we settled down quickly and had a much more civil conversation.

I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow, and I really want to talk to her about everything that happened, but my wife says that she will have to commit me if I tell her I seriously had a knife in my hand with the intent of harming myself.  I can’t afford to lose my job, and if I’m committed for 72 hours I would be over my allotted time off.

And I’m sorry for what anyone thinks of me for sinking that low.  I have good days and bad days, and sometimes I’m just so afraid of what the future will bring, and sometimes I can’t stand how this is all affecting my wife, and I don’t know how things can work between us when she is of one mindset and I am of another.  And as always I appreciate the support of the people here.

[Anonymous]

I think to decide that you need to consider what is more important to you . Your job, or your mental health. Take into consideration that there are more jobs out there, but there is only one of you. It’s my advice to take care of yourself first, but the decision is yours to make. I’m so sorry you are going through such a horrible situation, but I want you to know there are people here for you, that care about you and want you to keep being around. I’m one of those people. I hope everything works out in the end for you.

[Tory Bailey]

Thanks Xelyn, your reply means so much.

My job is important to support my family, we barely make ends meet sometimes.  My wife has disabilities and doesn’t work, she gets money from the government but not enough to support our family.  I regret going off to college with little idea of what I wanted to do with my life, I spent my entire life trying to be the person everyone else thought I should be, and now that I finally realize the person I want to be, I find the empty person I’ve been has set up so many obstacles in my way to becoming her.  I have a nearly useless college degree and a low paying job that I’ve been at for eleven years.

But anyways, as for my counselor visit today, I did discuss the day in question.  I told her about why I got to the point I did, about how overwhelming it’s been that I’m upset and I’m upsetting my wife and that it’s pushed me to the limit several times now.  I did not tell her about actually moving to act on it, but I did discuss with her my wife’s lack of support, how I have the people here I can talk to but she has everyone telling her to force me away.  How everything that happens to me I have somebody to talk to, but when she’s pushed too far she has nobody.  Especially when I’m the one doing the pushing.

And btw, this was a joint session with her counselor, so she was present.

We were told that we need to stop looking for the bad guy in the situation.  We are both feeling pain and that pain is justified, neither of our issues are wrong, but we need to stop taking it out on each other.  We need to work together, talk things out, find how to settle things in a way that is right for all involved.  And I think we both felt better and more at ease at the end.

Also, I pointed out that I was taking an antidepressant, and that since I’d been taking it I had actually been feeling worse than when I started.  I’ve actually stopped taking it for the last few days, and I need to contact my primary doctor to see what she feels about it.

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