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Today I went out fully dressed as myself for the first time. Well, I have attended a Pride event and gone to several gender support group meetings dressed, but today was the first time “out in the wild” of the general public and not in a lgbtq+ “bubble” of safety. I’m kind of in a state of disbelief that I did it at all. I totally expected myself to chicken out! In fact, I would have bet on it. It was a great bet to lose!
So much of my life has been struggling with being transgender and many unsuccessful efforts at purging. So, today feels like a particularly big milestone. I’m MTF and 50, and it’s only in the last two years that I’ve been able to keep with accepting it and not let fear and self-hatred take over.
I went to a big mall here in Georgia just as it was opening for the day, and walked around for an hour. My hair is very long now, and I think that is currently my biggest asset in passing. I was worried about thinning on the crown, so I wore a blue hat that matched my blue maxi dress. I had a little black purse, small black flats, a bracelet, a watch, and a flowery mask. I am pre-HRT, so I used breast forms and all of the hip and rear padding help I could get. I also have pink glasses frames now (I think of them as the secret weapon!)
It was uneventful, which was exactly what I was hoping for. I wandered the length of the mall and took my time window shopping all the ladies’ items. It was strange walking through the parking lot and to the mall, feeling the dress moving on my legs. Kind of vulnerable, but I wasn’t scared or fearful. It was kind of empowering in a way.
It was also strange seeing my reflection so often in panes of glass and mirrors as I walked from shop to shop. I couldn’t believe I was going out dressed as myself, but I really was. It seemed like a dream, but a pleasant one. I didn’t notice anyone looking at me for any length of time that would make me think I wasn’t passing. I even used the restroom with no problems whatsoever.
There was a kind of a spiritual feeling about it too, an unusual sense of calm while I was walking through the makeup, perfume, and underwear sections while unashamedly leisurely browsing, so unlike the horrible nervous and embarrassed urgency to get out of there that I always seem to feel whenever I’m shopping the women’s section while in drab.
So, I won’t rush going out again too soon. I’m still working on refining my look and building my wardrobe, but I think it was a good first step.
Thanks for reading!
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