Out in the wild for the first time

[Stacy Ann]

Today I went out fully dressed as myself for the first time. Well, I have attended a Pride event and gone to several gender support group meetings dressed, but today was the first time “out in the wild” of the general public and not in a lgbtq+ “bubble” of safety. I’m kind of in a state of disbelief that I did it at all. I totally expected myself to chicken out! In fact, I would have bet on it. It was a great bet to lose!

So much of my life has been struggling with being transgender and many unsuccessful efforts at purging. So, today feels like a particularly big milestone. I’m MTF and 50, and it’s only in the last two years that I’ve been able to keep with accepting it and not let fear and self-hatred take over.

I went to a big mall here in Georgia just as it was opening for the day, and walked around for an hour. My hair is very long now, and I think that is currently my biggest asset in passing. I was worried about thinning on the crown, so I wore a blue hat that matched my blue maxi dress. I had a little black purse, small black flats, a bracelet, a watch, and a flowery mask. I am pre-HRT, so I used breast forms and all of the hip and rear padding help I could get. I also have pink glasses frames now (I think of them as the secret weapon!)

It was uneventful, which was exactly what I was hoping for. I wandered the length of the mall and took my time window shopping all the ladies’ items. It was strange walking through the parking lot and to the mall, feeling the dress moving on my legs. Kind of vulnerable, but I wasn’t scared or fearful. It was kind of empowering in a way.

It was also strange seeing my reflection so often in panes of glass and mirrors as I walked from shop to shop. I couldn’t believe I was going out dressed as myself, but I really was. It seemed like a dream, but a pleasant one. I didn’t notice anyone looking at me for any length of time that would make me think I wasn’t passing. I even used the restroom with no problems whatsoever.

There was a kind of a spiritual feeling about it too, an unusual sense of calm while I was walking through the makeup, perfume, and underwear sections while unashamedly leisurely browsing, so unlike the horrible nervous and embarrassed urgency to get out of there that I always seem to feel whenever I’m shopping the women’s section while in drab.

So, I won’t rush going out again too soon. I’m still working on refining my look and building my wardrobe, but I think it was a good first step.

Thanks for reading!

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Charlene K, Kathy, Ms. Tia Tracy, Steffanie Wiley, June Holl, Dana Munson, Nina Santamaria, Willa Rose, Darlene Rose, Jill Lacey, Michelle Brown, Jennifer Smith, Lauren Mugnaia, Brielle, Diana W, Erika LeBlanc, Bobbie W, Julie Carson, Spentvaportrash

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[Steffanie Wiley]

Stacy Ann, congratulations on making such a big step. I see it’s been a while since you posted this but I hope everything has been good for you every time you have been out since! As with you, my first time really out, in daylight and among other people was scary but exciting at the same time. Then It kind of happened all over again when I made a concious effort to talk with a store clerk. But it turned out normal! And the outcomes were happy! It gave me confidence that I could do this and not die. Plus, I had a desire to do it again. And that desire grew each time I went out. That was more than 5 years ago now and the desire is still like that. I want to be outside doing everyday things and have it be normal. And because I can, I do. I don’t want it to be any other way, period! I think the biggest issues, roadblocks or conceptions we have is the part that’s in us individually. You know, how we have been brought up and taught. But we can modify or change that thinking, maybe by learning from others that have been successful with getting through big issues in their lives. Also by thinking through what we see as an issue and then break it down into smaller parts that can be overcome. Which lets us move on and become better. Think of what other issues you have successfully worked through in your life and apply it to this aspect as well. Anyway, guess I could keep going, but I better not for now. So,, we can do it and grow and move on to the next level. Keep trying and we’ll get there. Take care.

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Stacy Ann

[֍ Bethie, Empress of the Fae ֎]

I’m so happy for you! The first time out is a huge milestone.

I remember my first time out. It was in a 2,000 population coal-miner town. I walked two blocks to the post office and back and thought I was going to die. lol

I hope you have many more wonderful experiences as your true self.

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Dana Munson, Stacy Ann

[Dana Munson]

Stacy Ann, congrats on your first “out in the world” adventure!! So glad it was a happy experience for you! Certainly, take whatever time you feel you need to ready yourself for another trip out. From experience, I can say that your self-confidence will grow a bit with each successful trip out, whether it’s a long tour through the local mall or a quick run to the corner store for some milk.  I’m “Dana” 24/7 and, by this point, have been out more times and to more places than I can hope to count . . . and I still get a little buzz when I think that I am (finally) living life as my true self, and the world around me is just taking it all in stride, like I’m supposed to be here.  I hope it goes that way for you!

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June Holl, Stacy Ann

[Gabby she/her]

Stacy Ann, the first time I presented in public was in a big shopping mall in Katy Texas. I was pre-HRT and I had just bought a dress, shoes, and a bra at Torrid. I had “supports” in my 46 B bra to make it look realistic. Since I had been growing hair and I had a bald spot on my crown I bought a hat from Forever 21 across from the Torrid store. I then walked almost the entire length of the mall and saw a movie from the top row. After the movie I walked back to the Torrid store, talked to the salesclerk about my experience at being a girl for 2 1/2 hours, and changed back into my male clothes (which the Torrid staff kept for me while I was out) and went home. Our first time out sounds the same. Since then, I started HRT at 65 and underwent gender reassignment at age 66 a year and half later. I am totally female at 68 in a very conservative and unaccepting community at age 68. I hope you can have the same type of experience. Love Ya, Gabby.

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June Holl, Dana Munson, Stacy Ann, Nina Santamaria

[Dana Munson]

Gabby, my hat would be off to you . . . if I were wearing one. 🙂  Being trans in a place like Texas these days – yikes!  That’s guts, girl.

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Stacy Ann

[Jill Lacey]

Happy to hear you had a wonderful time out and about. It just keeps getting better.

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Stacy Ann

[DeeAnn Hopings]

Stacy Ann:

Glad that you had a good experience! For MANY of us, the experience turns out to be better than we dared to hope for.

I realize the the concept of Passing is very important for us, but there is something that we all must remember:

There are many who were Assigned Female At Birth (AFAB), and are not butch lesbians, who don’t appear as feminine as some others. But, there is something about them that does not raise flags about their gender identity. I think there can be many reasons for this:

• Choice of clothing items, colors and style
• Deportment
• Body movements, including smiling
• Being deferential
• Accepting kindness graciously
• Being seen doing what those who are AFAB often do (clothes shopping, grocery shopping, etc.)

The vast majority of those who are AFAB come nowhere near the notion of hyperfemininity, but is seems that is the target that we are shooting for.

Anyway, my point is that how we are perceived goes beyond just how we look.

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June Holl, Dana Munson, Nina Santamaria, Stacy Ann

[missyjo]

Stacy Ann

congratulations honey! 😀 feels wonderful doesn’t it? I don’t think I pass but I force mysekf to dress n go, because I was going nuts trying to hide mysekf at home. and women are still generally friendly to me. in stores, at church, grocery stores. n even in ladies restrooms. .I’ve been lucky I guess.  good for you dear

welcome to the sorority.

hugs

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June Holl, Nina Santamaria, Stacy Ann, Michelle Brown

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your story as i enjoyed it! I have only once went out dressed up and went to a bar which wasn’t actually fruitful I enjoyed the experience and would want to do it again sometime! xoxoxo
Renae

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Nina Santamaria, Stacy Ann, Michelle Brown

[Haley Ann]

My first trip out was to met a GG friend at Panera, and it was amazing. Walking through that parking lot and into Panera, I felt as if everyone was looking at me…but nobody was! And I loved driving down the interstate and being the quintessential older lady driving a Cadillac!

Haley😘

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Dana Munson, Nina Santamaria, Michelle Brown, Stacy Ann

[Dana Munson]

Hi, Haley!  Yeah, I think many of us know exactly what you mean by saying you imagined everyone was looking at you. Of course, if you are a beautiful woman, you often want such attention, finding it complimentary. But for many of us, well, we’re not exactly center-fold material, are we? 🙂   So we’d rather be mostly ignored as we go about our business.  When you discover, as you did (and I did), that in fact almost nobody is giving you more than a casual glance, if even that, it’s exhilarating (yay, they aren’t reading me!).

[Spentvaportrash]

Thanks for being so brave. You help us all to be a little bit braver ourselves.

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June Holl, Michelle Brown, Stacy Ann

[Author]

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