Praying

This topic contains 11 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Danielle Fox 6 days, 3 hours ago.

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    Topic
  • #28080

    Xelyn Craft
    Participant

    Someone made a similar topic here, but mine is a little different. I remember lying in bed one night after a particularly difficult session with my then mental health counselor followed by the worst argument I’ve ever had with my parents. It was the night I first told my parents that I wasn’t just a tomboy, but that I wanted to be a complete male, and that I wasn’t just heterosexual, but didn’t care about gender in other people. That a body is just a shape when it comes to love, and that I would love anyone regardless of what they looked like or identified as. That I had been dating a girl online for months even though we’d never met face to face. I remember being distraught, but I don’t remember what my dad said, just that he was yelling and he put a hand on my shoulder and I lost it. I screamed at him not to touch me and I actually bit his hand! I remember him taking it extremely well and even saying that he was glad I was showing some fight, because that meant I wouldn’t give in to the suicidal thoughts I’d been having. But his comfort in that thought didn’t help me, I was still extremely upset. I went to bed that night crying and sobbing, unable to sleep because my thoughts were racing. I remember thinking that my parents were very religious and didn’t believe God wanted me to be anything but the gender I was born as. But I also remember turning to God that night and praying that he would perform a miracle and turn me into a boy. Then I remember feeling comfort like I’d never felt before. I didn’t magically wake up as a boy the next morning, but I felt reassured that everything would work out in the end.

    I don’t know what my religious beliefs are anymore, not completely, but I choose to believe that if there is a God or a greater power, no matter what gender I am, he/she/it still loves me and comforted me that night. My parents always say that God doesn’t make mistakes and they always saw that as meaning their God made me female so that’s what I’m supposed to be. However, if that’s the case, that same God gave me the profound feeling that I am male, even though it doesn’t match my current body. I think he/she/it did that for a reason as well, it was not a mistake. Whatever comes of my gender dysphoria, I choose to be thankful for it, even the horrible things that come with it, because it makes me a better person. A better man, even though I was born a female.

    I hope this memory and the thoughts that I associate with it somehow help you as readers, whether you are female to male like me, or male to female, as I know most of you are. I want you to know that you are loved and supported, even if it’s by a stranger online like me. Keep doing what makes you happy and what makes you feel the most like the real you.

  • Author
    Replies
  • #32809
     Tory Bailey 
    Participant

    FREE

    My experiences with religion have been a journey just as being transgender has, though a tad more in the open.  When I was a kid, we were taught in Sunday School that God loved us unconditionally.  That being a good person got us into heaven.  As an adolescent, I sat in the same church every week listening to the same service, and I wondered why and I questioned why science and the Bible didn’t match up, like if God created the world in a week, how does that explain the dinosaurs?  As an adult, I learned of the politics behind the Bible’s creation and the creation of holidays.  I did Bible studies with my wife and was reintroduced to God though her church, where I learned of doctrines and smiting, some of which I didn’t agree with, that went against my idea of an all loving, compassionate God.

    In my journey to find my true self, I have thought of God.  While I struggle with my religious beliefs, I cannot help but feel I have been guided by an outside force.  The way I figured it out, how things connected just right to bring me to the conclusion I was trans.  The subtle hints throughout my life which supported my conclusion, yet kept me from figuring it out sooner.  I feel like God, the all-compassionate one from my childhood, is telling me, “I knew you wanted to have children, so you had to wait.  But I know you have hurt and you are lonely and so now it is time for you to know the truth.  Now is the time for you to become Tory.  Because I need Tory.  Other people need Tory.  And most of all, you need Tory.  Tory has a purpose, and you will find it.”

    4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #32877
       Danielle Fox 
      Participant

      SILVER

      Tory, that was beautifully written and resonates so much with me and how my life has worked out. One of life’s great mysteries is our own future and only God knows that. Again this is such a beautiful morning post and to me personally it resonates with my life.

      Danielle💋👠

    • #32810
       Xelyn Craft 
      Participant

      BRONZE

      I can’t put into words how much that post means to me. You put it beautifully. Thank you.

  • #30986
     Waynelle Schmidt 
    Participant

    FREE

    I was hoping to find a f2m like you to help both of us to solve a problem. I am a m2f & I want to grow my breasts, but no sucess. So you probably don’t want your breasts. So I hope to find a f2m that would agree with me in prayer to God to give me their breasts,as God is able to do that!

    • #31027
       Xelyn Craft 
      Participant

      BRONZE

      That’s a sweet thought, and I don’t mind praying for it, but I wouldn’t count on it working. I’ve found that God doesn’t usually work that way, he has other plans than ours and sometimes the answer to our prayers is no. However, there is no harm in us both asking and praying for it.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #31249
         Danielle Fox 
        Participant

        SILVER

        Dear, I find that prayer is helpful because you never know and covering your bases is just good planning. Keep your head up and press on. Be yourself and be patient. Life has a habit of surprises happening when you least expect it. Love ❤️ and hugs 🤗
        Danielle 💋👠

        1 user thanked author for this post.
  • #30346
     Danielle Fox 
    Participant

    SILVER

    Xelyn dear,
    The fact that your father kept his cool during the argument says a lot about his character and love for you. I do agree with my sister Veronica that your parents should have seen your discomfort and distress. Did they know how you feel before this argument? There are services to help you through decisions and even transition however you wish to go. Praying is a good sign that you have are thinking 🤔 and covering your bases. Good guidance from any quarter is always welcome but not everyone will consider that guidance. I do hope your parents do the right thing here because their religious beliefs that God makes no mistakes is true in my eyes. Your being born in the wrong body is not a mistake it is a challenge. God gives us nothing in which we cannot bear. I am sure you will meet this challenge which was put before you and overcome. Patience my brother and that is one of the virtues. Have patience and keep your powder dry and you will prevail. Love ❤️ and hugs 🤗
    Danielle 💋👠

    2 users thanked author for this post.
  • #28434
     Dame Veronica Graunwolf 
    Participant

    PS………..I am not a stranger…..I am your sister, my brother.

    Veronica

    Dame Veronica Graunwolf

    1 user thanked author for this post.
  • #28433
     Dame Veronica Graunwolf 
    Participant

    Xyeln………I feel that you have not broken any rules….it is an integrel part of your story. In this day and age, I am absolutely stunned that you had to go thru what you did go thru. The horse is out of the barn now….but your parents…how could they not see how much distress you were in. I know this is something that you will never forget. Sweetheart….if there is anything I can do to help you along to your goal….please….do contact me. There are several social services offices in just about every city…..do go to them and see if they can help you with your goals in any way. Remember….I am hear for you.

    Hugs……

    Dame Veronica

    Dame Veronica Graunwolf

    1 user thanked author for this post.
  • #28369
     Cloe (CC) Webb 
    Managing Ambassador

    MANAGING AMBASSADOR

    Xelyn, it’s not against the rules to discuss what you have experienced and if a religious experience is part of that, then it is.  What we discourage is proselytizing and  theological debates.  They only inflame and really are not our primary mission here.

    My own personal journey began in earnest when I stopped praying to take it away.  I had been doing that for 30+ yrs without an answer.  I finally broke down and admitted who I am to my maker and the answer and relief were immediate.  All too often we are holding ourselves back in our own self built closets.  My friends said I used a bulldozer to tear mine down.  The truth is I had been dismantling it from the inside for a very long time and finally found the doorknob to just let myself out.

    Hugs, Cloe

    3 users thanked author for this post.
  • #28081
     Xelyn Craft 
    Participant

    BRONZE

    Also, I apologize if I broke the forum rules by posting this memory. I didn’t realize until afterwards that it might be offensive to some or not follow the guidelines. If it is out of line, I fully understand if it needs to be deleted. I now realize it’s walking a fine line.

    1 user thanked author for this post.

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