Someone made a similar topic here, but mine is a little different. I remember lying in bed one night after a particularly difficult session with my then mental health counselor followed by the worst argument I’ve ever had with my parents. It was the night I first told my parents that I wasn’t just a tomboy, but that I wanted to be a complete male, and that I wasn’t just heterosexual, but didn’t care about gender in other people. That a body is just a shape when it comes to love, and that I would love anyone regardless of what they looked like or identified as. That I had been dating a girl online for months even though we’d never met face to face. I remember being distraught, but I don’t remember what my dad said, just that he was yelling and he put a hand on my shoulder and I lost it. I screamed at him not to touch me and I actually bit his hand! I remember him taking it extremely well and even saying that he was glad I was showing some fight, because that meant I wouldn’t give in to the suicidal thoughts I’d been having. But his comfort in that thought didn’t help me, I was still extremely upset. I went to bed that night crying and sobbing, unable to sleep because my thoughts were racing. I remember thinking that my parents were very religious and didn’t believe God wanted me to be anything but the gender I was born as. But I also remember turning to God that night and praying that he would perform a miracle and turn me into a boy. Then I remember feeling comfort like I’d never felt before. I didn’t magically wake up as a boy the next morning, but I felt reassured that everything would work out in the end.
I don’t know what my religious beliefs are anymore, not completely, but I choose to believe that if there is a God or a greater power, no matter what gender I am, he/she/it still loves me and comforted me that night. My parents always say that God doesn’t make mistakes and they always saw that as meaning their God made me female so that’s what I’m supposed to be. However, if that’s the case, that same God gave me the profound feeling that I am male, even though it doesn’t match my current body. I think he/she/it did that for a reason as well, it was not a mistake. Whatever comes of my gender dysphoria, I choose to be thankful for it, even the horrible things that come with it, because it makes me a better person. A better man, even though I was born a female.
I hope this memory and the thoughts that I associate with it somehow help you as readers, whether you are female to male like me, or male to female, as I know most of you are. I want you to know that you are loved and supported, even if it’s by a stranger online like me. Keep doing what makes you happy and what makes you feel the most like the real you.
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