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Hello everyone, sorry it’s been a while, my wife has issues about me coming on here but I feel I need to ask this as it’s killing me. My wife’s family is convinced that my transition is going to be too psychologically damaging to my kids. They feel that they need a male role model in their lives and that I will embarrass my kids to their peers if I become a woman. They think I am being selfish for transitioning and hurting my kids and causing my wife undeserved stress. They don’t even want me to crossdress in front of them. And my wife is in constant turmoil over whether she agrees with them or whether she wants to support me. They are telling me I need to wait until they are grown up and can decide if they want to have anything to do with me afterwards.
For me, I don’t feel I’ve been a good male role model to begin with. My complete lack of self esteem has put me in a cycle of depression and addiction to electronics that has ruled my life since before my kids were born. I’ve been a terrible, neglectful parent and I hate myself for it. My quest to transition has at last given me a drive in life and provided me with the self esteem boost I need to overcome my addiction, but my wife says that if I’m damaging my kids either way that doesn’t make it more right.
Right now I feel like I’m in limbo. I am afraid to do anything towards transitioning and fall back on my addiction. I feel that if I cannot be free to transition how I want soon, I’ll fall completely back on my addiction again, but this time I’ll know exactly what my addiction is blocking out.
I have very strong opinions on this so pardon me if I fly off the handle, I’ll try to stay in control.
First of all- You are not damaging your kids by teaching them tolerance and acceptance of others for their differences. There are transgender people in the world. They are related to one. They have the right to know that and form their own opinions on it, not be told what to think by family that clearly know nothing about it and are acting out of fear of the unknown rather than love for those they care about. Your kids also deserve to know the real you. You should not hide them from that and try to protect them from the truth. That will only lead to their ignorance and confusion later on.
Second- Your wife’s family does not know what is best for your kids, YOU and your wife know what is best. Don’t let other’s opinions become your own. If your wife is struggling, tell her to remove herself from their opinions and form her own, then you can talk. Don’t let outside influences rule your better judgement, or hers. Think for yourselves, don’t be sheeple and follow what others say simply because it’s what’s easiest.
Third- Good male rolemodels do not have to be fathers. Many children go their whole lives without fathers, and they have a plethora of good male role models to pick from outside of fathers. Older brothers, uncles, grandpas, teachers, friends, mentors, the choices for them are endless. They will find someone to help them in that area, you can even help them find that person or persons if you would like. It would be a good way for you to bond with them while also setting them up for a learning experience and guiding them towards their own independence. If you would make a better role model as a woman, then become a woman and be the better role model. If that leaves a gap somewhere, fill it with someone else. You cannot be everything your kids need, no one can. But the best part is that you don’t have to! There are so many people out there that can help give your children the role models they need. Personally, I would suggest to the family that are being so judgmental that they step up to the challenge and be the ones to stop setting a bad example of intolerance and hate and show your kids what real men and women can do as decent human beings; Love others no matter how different they are.
Fourth- Ask your family exactly what psychological damage you could possibly be doing to your kids. Ask for logical explanations, not emotionally driven ones. See if they can actually come up with anything that isn’t complete bullshit. Because I see no reasonable explanations that they could give. The real psychological damage comes from the abusive people that mistreat you or your kids for your choices. They are at fault, not you. You are showing your kids a beautiful transformation and a unique and useful way of looking at the world. If your family chooses to mistreat you or your children because you give them this gift and they don’t understand it so react in fear and hostility instead of actually using their brains for once and trying to understand something that is foreign to them, THEY are the ones doing the psychological damage. Throw that in their face. Because you transitioning into the person you were always meant to be, can have no direct negative effects on your children’s mental and emotional development. Only those who are too cruel and stupid to understand can do that damage.
Thanks Xelyn, I really appreciate your words and they do make me feel better. I did try to argue your first point with my wife but I think you put it a lot better than I did. Part of me wants to share your reply with my wife, part of me fears she’ll be angered that I posted here when she asked me not to anymore. I think I’ll ask my counselor how to approach at our session this week.
You can always write it down as some advice a friend gave you outside of the site. Depends on how open and honest you want to be with her.
Thank you so much for being willing to share your story with us. I can’t truly imagine how difficult this whole situation of nonacceptance must be on you and your wife. i’d suggest finding a safe place for you to talk about how you feel about the situation a place that does not further your addictions. for example have you and your wife tried couples conciliating? or have you gone to therapy by yourself yet? i just feel you need to talk and right now your addiction is the only place you feel safe talking about whats going on. It might help to have another outlet.
Hello! I completely agree with Xelyn, who couldn’t have put it better in this lifetime – if you aren’t already a therapist you should consider the choice..but back to you, Tory..Teaching your children open mindedness should be I feel, at the core of parenting in the first place..but here you are given the unique opportunity to see for themselves acceptance of other and their differences as well as similarities can make for happier kinder people. You have this opportunity to put real action into words…something that carries more weight than 1000 hours of counseling could ever do…(that doesn’t mean counseling doesn’t have it’s place..It does of course, but here is the time to set words into action..the best supplement to counseling you could find) Try explaining to your wife (and I am one…a wife I mean..lol) the learning benefits of the transitioning process can benefit your kids..and point out to her how the two of you, and I really emphasize the two of you because the wife or partner can often feel shut out and excluded from the whole process and end up feeling like they are watching a movie about their marriage rather than being in the reality of it…Insofar as your in-laws go, I hate to say this but it really sounds like they are stuck in another era and nudging them will only make them more determined to stay in that lost era. Your wife has to understand that they are not parents of a little girl anymore but a grown woman., Her parents realize they can’t control her thoughts outright, so in something like this they are forcing her hand and causing unneeded turmoil in hopes that she will side with them..what horrific behavior! Keep the faith! keep your head up and the addiction will also fall into place..act not react..it’s very tough to do but necessary. P.S. how old are your kids?
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