Question: What Can Happen If We Get Outed?

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    • #139002
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      As we might expect, there can be a lot of “stuff” related to coming out voluntarily. Things such as fear, embarrassment and shame can come into play.

      In order to avoid this, people often choose to bypass the topic altogether. However, they risk getting outed by someone else.

      So, the question is this:

      If you have not told anyone about your very closely guarded and most sensitive secret of being transgender, and someone discovers your secret, what do you think is likely to happen afterwards? This question is intended for those who have not come out to anyone so far.

      I will pose other questions for those who have come out and had “The Conversation”. Eventually, I will also discuss my thoughts behind my coming out process. Note that I will offer my story as contrast and not as a recommendation.

    • #139314
      Michelle Lawson
      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      Ya know, I guess I have always been one to play things close to the vest, noodle things out until I think & hope I fully understand what the heck I’m doing, then sit and ponder every possible outcome, or at least as many possible outcomes as I can think of. And when I’m feeling that certain degree of comfort and confidence, I go for broke. There is a certain degree of confidence, at least for me, to take that step off the edge. Knowing what is done is done, and there can be no looking back, only forward, and meet head-on any and all challenges to my decision. Not having a way to get back, gives me the confidence to focus all my energies on moving forward. The past is history, and I am not capable of time travel!

    • #139351

       

       

      When I told my wife about Giselle 12 years it radically changed my life and marriage.

      In hindsight It would have been better going to my grave with this “secret”.

      12 years later still married but in name only

       

    • #139354

      Lucky for me I told my wife about 25 years ago. While the first month was pretty rocky as my wife slowly began to understand what being Transgendered meant, things began to smooth out. To this day, she is my closest Allie when it comes to what to wear and how to look.

      Getting outed at work was quite unlikely. I was out shopping one day downtown. As I walked down the sidewalk four of my staff walked right into me. I thought at the time that if they recognized me I would be totally screwed. Lucky for me none of them recognized me and one even excused himself as he brushed against me.

      While it wouldn’t have been the end of the world as we are pretty well protected here in Ontario under the Ontario Human Rights and Gender Identity. As a Professional Mechanical Engineer, it may have limited some opportunities. However, having significant value to the company, I was never fearful of being fired.

      I consider myself exceptionally lucky because in the 25+ years, I have been out in public, my male persona has never been discovered. Considering I am a public speaker regarding Transgender issues at numerous Colleges and Universities. My transition between male and female is so drastic I never have worried about being read.  While I considered the possibility of being read as a male my real identity was pretty much safe.

      I believe every situation is different. If you are lucky enough to pass very well you are likely very safe. If you look like a male in women’s clothing you would likely have to be considerably more cautious and decide if getting caught was worth the chance.

       

      Michelle Renee

    • #139434

      Interesting question.   So I will list my experiences, briefly and the outcomes.

      1) came out to my soon to be wife as a (limited) cross dresser, acknowledging a predilection towards women’s underwear and stockings.  At the time she expressed tolerance for that much, but warned that she could not accept it if I chose to dress fully as a woman.   Long story short, I eventually felt compelled to do just that and asked her to accept it.  She didn’t and we divorced about three years later.

      2) Subsequent to that I was still closeted to people that knew me, but did get out regularly en femme.   Early one evening as I was doing laundry, I got a text from a co-worker who asked what I was up to.  I impulsively added “the usual stuff, shirts, pants, stockings and panties”.   At first she LOL’d as if it was a joke, and I might have left it at that, but I instead said, no, seriously.  A long conversation ensued.   She was highly supportive and still is.  She shared the secret with her husband and best girlfriend, also a colleague.  And over time we had dinner and drinks together at my place, at local eateries and her home.  As it turned out, this was one of the better outcomes.

      3)  Subsequently, I came out to my PCP (also a colleague) and her lead nurse practitioner.  Both worked with transgender patients in our clinic.  Both were and remain immensely supportive.

      4) I suppose buoyed by the good results, I came out to one other NP in our group.  She was also supportive, and soon invited me out for drinks and other things that we should leave to the imagination.  Within days she had shared the experience with other colleagues and I was quicly outed to most of the staff.   She meant no malice.  I just didn’t consider how prone she was to talking.   In retrospect, no harm was done and I rather enjoy being out to my supportive colleagues (I’m retired now) and could care less about those who are not supportive.

      I forgot to include a few other ‘coming out’ experiences with former colleagues that occurred around the time I began coming out completely to my ex.   Those three experiences were totally positive and the people involved remain both friends and supporters.

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