Rabbit hole of life

  • Creator
    Topic
  • #92719
    Evilin Hartman
    Participant

    What would you do if you knew how painful going down the rabbit hole really is?

    Mmmmmm
    I would go down anyway
    Live my own life day by day
    No one else will have a say
    This is my life, my own way

    the rabbit hole it’s evil…….
    Only real men will prevail.
    So my female self was silenced
    In every painful way.
    Society split me down the middle
    A “man” it seems I’ll be.
    I was put to work so early
    A man of you – I will see……
    She cried out
    This is not FAIR.
    She was beaten down until FAIR became FEAR!
    Locked in the basement
    They had thrown away the key.

    Alone in the dark, she cried.
    No voice to be heard, she cries.
    Her feelings not her on anymore.
    She cries

    The boy she was born.
    The man she will become.
    Your gay she was told.
    You’re retarted, you’re dumb
    The words were daggers, poisoned in the sun.
    It hurt to core of her very being
    Years on years she wept and she ached
    And to her surprise the aches they stayed
    They did not waiver
    They did not subside
    There’s no way out
    I will not survive
    KILL ME PLEASE
    TAKE ME NOW
    MY LIFE IS OVER
    BEFORE IT BEGAN
    THIS KNIFE WILL DO
    STEADY
    through the 💖
    😢
    😭
    😢
    Wait
    This can’t be right
    This can’t be true
    I can’t kill myself
    Because it will kill you too
    Where will I go what will I do.
    The doctors can help
    But you have to be true
    She was locked away so long
    I forgot she was there
    In a fit of rage, hearing “be true”
    She exclaimed
    This is my way out
    This is my way through
    Now its multiple personalities being diagnosed in you
    No this is not right
    This is not true
    THE TWO VOICES IN MY HEAD ARE BOTH MINE THROUGH AND THROUGH

    Oh?

    Wait a minute?

    When did I get a second voice in my head?
    She speaks to me in only a way that I can
    She feels for me in all the ways I was never allowed to feel
    She always has been there
    I could feel her (not knowing what it was)
    Her voice I ignored then forgot about
    “Ignoring your own voice in your own head”
    It happened, somehow?
    Let me out she said
    I am the truth in your life
    Finally, I no longer need to be the man I never could be anyway.

    Now I am free to be me.
    Only because I finally choose to be.

    All the Love

    💜💜💜Evilin 💜💜💜

Viewing 6 reply threads
  • Author
    Replies
    • #92939

      Thank you so much Evilin!  We’re all glad that you could come out the rabbit hole in better shape to be here with us!

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #92963

        Wow Loki,

        Your comment made me feel some very wonderful feelings that I don’t quite understand yet?

        Thank you, I cherish these self awareness moments, and keep them close to my heart.

        Loves

        EVI💞

    • #92864

      Well done, thank you for the poem.

       

      With Love all ways,

      Miriya

      xxx

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #92854

      Heartfelt with some tears from the years of pain. I feel ya,

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #92787

      Evilin, that was so true and beautiful, I will shear your poem to people close to me, to help them understand what was happening in my head for all these year. what you wrote is so close to what my life has been until I came out.

      Thank you

      Timmie

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #92839

        Thank you Timmie,

        I am so happy that my poem can help you.

         

        LovesEvi💖

         

    • #92783
      Ms. Kyra
      GOLD

      This brought tears to my eyes. I like this beautifully written poem. Thanks Evelin.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #92777
      Jamie Harris
      SILVER

      Hello Evlin. I am Jamie and live in Dallas, TX. Welcome to the group. I came out to my family 4 years ago and started HRT 18 months ago. To get started on your transition journey you need to locate a gender therapist that can help you to determine if you are really trans, since you are still questioning. Most therapist are only doing therapy online so you do not have to find a local one. You could search online for a therapist that works with trans people. You should also look around your area in Canada so you can find some local trans groups that can answer some of your questions about living as trans. Best of luck and we are always here to answer your questions.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #92782

        Hi Jamie,

        I think perhaps you may have slightly misunderstood the ending of my story there. I don’t need a Dr. to tell me who or “what” I am. I need the Dr. To help me become my full self.

        I am a woman through and through. I am already acting as a woman. Which takes no effort at all, in fact it’s natural to me. Even after all those years of not being me except in my dreams.

        Thank you for the Love Jamie ❤️❤️❤️

        Loves EVI 💖

        1 user thanked author for this post.
        • #92889
          Jamie Harris
          SILVER

          Hello Evilin, depending on where you live and the desires of the endocrinologist they will require you to have a letter from a gender therapist saying that you are trans and could benefit from taking HRT. So when you setup your appointment for the endocrinologist you should ask.

          1 user thanked author for this post.
          • #92905

            Thank you for your advice Jamie. I will definitely do that. I’m just north of Victoria BC, Canada. This is the most excepting and supportive place for me in Canada. I should not have a BIG problem finding a gender therapist, and then I just have to be me.

            Loves

            EVI💞

    • #92725

      Wow Evilin.  Wow.  I am struggling for words but apparently need to process a bit first.  For now I have Deep.  Beautiful.  Thank You.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
Viewing 6 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

©2021 Transgender Heaven | Privacy | Terms of Service | Contact Vanessa | Affiliate

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from Transgender Heaven.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

If you don't see the captcha above please disable ad and tracking blockers and reload the page.