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What would you do if you knew how painful going down the rabbit hole really is?
Mmmmmm
I would go down anyway
Live my own life day by day
No one else will have a say
This is my life, my own waythe rabbit hole it’s evil…….
Only real men will prevail.
So my female self was silenced
In every painful way.
Society split me down the middle
A “man” it seems I’ll be.
I was put to work so early
A man of you – I will see……
She cried out
This is not FAIR.
She was beaten down until FAIR became FEAR!
Locked in the basement
They had thrown away the key.Alone in the dark, she cried.
No voice to be heard, she cries.
Her feelings not her on anymore.
She criesThe boy she was born.
The man she will become.
Your gay she was told.
You’re retarted, you’re dumb
The words were daggers, poisoned in the sun.
It hurt to core of her very being
Years on years she wept and she ached
And to her surprise the aches they stayed
They did not waiver
They did not subside
There’s no way out
I will not survive
KILL ME PLEASE
TAKE ME NOW
MY LIFE IS OVER
BEFORE IT BEGAN
THIS KNIFE WILL DO
STEADY
through the 💖
😢
😭
😢
Wait
This can’t be right
This can’t be true
I can’t kill myself
Because it will kill you too
Where will I go what will I do.
The doctors can help
But you have to be true
She was locked away so long
I forgot she was there
In a fit of rage, hearing “be true”
She exclaimed
This is my way out
This is my way through
Now its multiple personalities being diagnosed in you
No this is not right
This is not true
THE TWO VOICES IN MY HEAD ARE BOTH MINE THROUGH AND THROUGHOh?
Wait a minute?
When did I get a second voice in my head?
She speaks to me in only a way that I can
She feels for me in all the ways I was never allowed to feel
She always has been there
I could feel her (not knowing what it was)
Her voice I ignored then forgot about
“Ignoring your own voice in your own head”
It happened, somehow?
Let me out she said
I am the truth in your life
Finally, I no longer need to be the man I never could be anyway.Now I am free to be me.
Only because I finally choose to be.All the Love
💜💜💜Evilin 💜💜💜
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Thank you so much Evilin! We’re all glad that you could come out the rabbit hole in better shape to be here with us!
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Wow Loki,
Your comment made me feel some very wonderful feelings that I don’t quite understand yet?
Thank you, I cherish these self awareness moments, and keep them close to my heart.
Loves
EVI💞
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Well done, thank you for the poem.
With Love all ways,
Miriya
xxx
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Heartfelt with some tears from the years of pain. I feel ya,
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Evilin, that was so true and beautiful, I will shear your poem to people close to me, to help them understand what was happening in my head for all these year. what you wrote is so close to what my life has been until I came out.
Thank you
Timmie
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This brought tears to my eyes. I like this beautifully written poem. Thanks Evelin.
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Hello Evlin. I am Jamie and live in Dallas, TX. Welcome to the group. I came out to my family 4 years ago and started HRT 18 months ago. To get started on your transition journey you need to locate a gender therapist that can help you to determine if you are really trans, since you are still questioning. Most therapist are only doing therapy online so you do not have to find a local one. You could search online for a therapist that works with trans people. You should also look around your area in Canada so you can find some local trans groups that can answer some of your questions about living as trans. Best of luck and we are always here to answer your questions.
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Hi Jamie,
I think perhaps you may have slightly misunderstood the ending of my story there. I don’t need a Dr. to tell me who or “what” I am. I need the Dr. To help me become my full self.
I am a woman through and through. I am already acting as a woman. Which takes no effort at all, in fact it’s natural to me. Even after all those years of not being me except in my dreams.
Thank you for the Love Jamie ❤️❤️❤️
Loves EVI 💖
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Hello Evilin, depending on where you live and the desires of the endocrinologist they will require you to have a letter from a gender therapist saying that you are trans and could benefit from taking HRT. So when you setup your appointment for the endocrinologist you should ask.
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Wow Evilin. Wow. I am struggling for words but apparently need to process a bit first. For now I have Deep. Beautiful. Thank You.
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