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I had gone through some very tough time over the past year that require sacrifices to help someone close to me going through ordeals. Now the situation is resolved, but I came out of it a much better person because of it. It was a very difficult year for me in general, I had spent a lot of time on introspection. It wasn’t about my gender, but just being a better person in general and having more positive outlooks (despite the dark world we’re living in now).
It is through this caring and loving another person that allows me to finally learned to love myself as well, which led to clarity about who I am and accepting myself. I am forever thankful for this.
There are certain obligations or at least things I feel I have responsibility to. Once financial and family situation is where I feel is in the right place, I will take action with physical change and coming out. My family are fundamental catholics, as in not the casual type. I don’t fear the potential backlash, but I need to have things in place. I’m not being in denial, but I have my plan and know the direction I have to go and working toward. Once I’m ready, I will go forward with physical transition and coming out. Whether it’s a year or 3 years from now, I’m working toward it and it will happen.
I always knew I was different from other kids. I always thought I was gay or bisexual from a young age, but at the sametime was never attracted to men bodies. Later I thought I was transamorous and only attracted to trans and feminine male. This confusion stayed with me up until I realized who I am.
Jealously of women clothing happen as soon as I start carrying and understanding fashion, which is the running theme throughout my life. In my early 20s one day I decided I will never wear men underwear again, because I did not feel attractive in them and doesn’t fit with how I feel about myself, dumped them all in the trash and never went back since. Living with other family members throughout these years, I still don’t know how I haven’t gotten caught yet. I leave my hair long on purpose for many years now, and always feel good when I am ‘mistaken’ as a women, it give a self esteem boost every time. There are a lot of feminine emotions and thoughts as well, I don’t want to go into them specifically, but in general wanting to be cared for, and being wanted rather than having to ‘chase women’ are among them.
I have always hated looking at myself in the mirror. Can you imagine a person who try to avoid looking at themselves in the mirror through their whole life. I would wash my face and avoided looking at myself the mirror. Always felt I was inadequate and unhappy about myself. And this lacking of self confidence made life very difficult. Thoughts of suicide in my late teens and 20s, but I’ve gotten over them long ago.
I am lucky and grateful to be in a better place mentally now, I think many people who are going through this is having a harder time. The realization and acceptance came very fast. As described above, through the ordeals I went through, caused me to sit down and had some deep thought which made me realized and accepted who I am. Things changes very quickly for the better from that day, at least in the way I see and understand myself. I don’t hate myself anymore. I bought a mirror right away to look at myself. I put on the ‘real’ clothing meant for me and began to see a beautiful women emerging and taking shape. I was pretending to be man all my life.
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