roller coaster rides

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  • #120632
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    So i was asked to elaborate on interesting events in my transition. There are a few!

    When I started about 15 years ago, that would be about 2006, I had just been told I was probably transgender. I had done my research and all the tendencies keyed in. I finally understood why I was not gay and why I had fem attributes!

    First thing i did was buy some flair jeans in the women’s aisle at Penny’s. I felt like I was twisted into a pretzel! I tried to cover by telling the clerk the men’s jeans did not have the style I wanted. I have those jeans to this day. My second purchase was a beautiful dress from a boutique across the street. It was way over the top. I told the clerk I was going to a cross dressing party for Halloween. I never wore the dress. My third purchase was a wig at Hot Topic and two miniskirts, all of which i still have. I don’t like wigs and never wear it but i did wear it for one photo. I can’t show it here cause it is tinged with sexual attributes. One miniskirt was pleated and had chains and was black. I love that skirt! I have actually repaired it a few times. If I could not wear it I would figure out how to make another one or go back to Hot Topic and try to find it again!

    I made some very awkward mistakes. I tried to take a voice coaching course and wore ill fitting clothing that expressed my fem side. I was a sight! I had some kilts for my clan left over from our family history endeavors. I also bought a cowl top poncho type cover. I started wearing them at night as i walked around our neighborhood. One night I was wearing a faux fur and walking down an alley. it was quite late and a car came by. i hid behind a telephone pole as i didn’t want to expose myself. I think the driver was a preacher who reported me to the police; i don’t know. Anyway a few days later i was walking down an alley nearby in the early evening and was surrounded by police cars. ! The cop demanded ID which i don’t carry while i am walking, and proceeded to question me about kicking over a barrier on the street where I lived, which was being repaired. I pretty much laughed as i was about 60 at the time and told him I didn’t think i had the strength to get my foot that high much less to kick over a concrete barrier. He pursued until a female officer came and sorta laughed and took him aside. She apologized and drug the aggressive cop off and left me alone. I am pretty sure they were reacting to the previous encounter by the telephone pole. I am also sure she saw I was transgender. I stopped my night walks and decided to just take my show into daytime.

    Today that cowl top does not feel so feminine as it once did but my miniskirt does! I wear sheer tops now and bras underneath. I use front fastening feeding bras. they have just enough padding i don’t have to worry about prosthesis. But those first few times out just the idea that i had a hint of fem clothing made me very self conscious. I remember after I had grown my hair long, stopping at a truck stop dressed androgenous and not at all fem. As I walked in a fellow. opened the door for me and called me Ma’am. wow! I wasn’t even trying! I was never sure if he knew i was trans or thought i was actually a woman. That sort of thing encouraged me and I started presenting totally and unabashedly female.

    My voice was still male. I had tried all sorts of things including using the voice break technique to find my range. But one day on a walk a kitty came up to me and i started talking baby talk to her and realized it was my fem voice! I started singing songs in higher pitch. to this day i still fall into male sounds. but i can’t really get away from a fem voice either.

    Dead naming is a form of hassling. I have experienced that here mainly from christian women working as clerks at a grocery store. I was using my debit card which had my male name. So i decided to talk to my bank. The first clerk I asked refused me totally and said she would dead name me until i got my birth certificate changed. to do that i would have had to go through surgery which is not my thing. So I wrote the manager and told her my experience and offered to move my account to another bank since I seemed to be distressing some people there. Next day i received a new bank card with my fem first name. and the clerks made it a point to address me correctly. i sorta fell badly until one clerk asked about my sailing trip and if my bank card helped me pass without problems. i told her yes, it was a life saver! i realized that she realized dead naming was dangerous and i wasn’t just doing an ego thing asking for help. my heart went out to her and the others at that bank! I feel very good about them now.

    I had then come out to everyone of my friends except one. He was my client in Florida. He was catholic and a trump supporter and very right wing. About that time the atrocity at the club in Florida happened where lgbtq kids were killed. I could no longer hide myself in anyway and feel right. So I came out to him and told him I would totally understand if he wanted nothing more to do with me. His answer was that he was my friend and he supported me. Later that month he was in my home town for a gala and i was invited. I dressed my best and went bracing for dead naming or whatever. Hundreds of people were there. He came up to me and put his arm around my shoulders and introduced me to everyone, some of whom did not recognize me! My heart melted. I will never forget that beautiful act of kindness from my friend. And he is my friend forever.

    I can’t always tell if people see me as female or a poor attempt at passing. There were two sisters and two brothers at a nearby house i had said hello to a few times. must have been under teen age. and they were arguing one day. i stopped and asked what was the matter. evidently the boys thought I was a girl and the girls thought i was a boy. later i was at walmart inbetween gender clothes and a little girl stood up in her cart and yelped at mom; is that a boy or a girl mommy!? i realized i was infringing on mom’s attempt to teach her child gender norms. so from that day i have dressed totally fem mostly, and that has never happened again, and no one argues over me! However one day i was passing by an outdoor cafe and a friend was having coffee with someone i didn’t know. I said a few words and the new guy told my friend it wasn’t very nice not offering a Lady a seat. so i sat down. i realized the guy was coming on to me and didn’t know i was transgender. so i mentioned i was and an unbelieving look fell over his face! I thought maybe it was a joke? but it was real. he was an artist from california and must have had experience with transfolk before? he invited me to a show he was having. later when i asked about it online he said it was canceled. but it wasn’t. he was lying to me cause he didn’t want me there. then i was very very sure.

    i remember Steve Martin’s movie about family. two quotes still linger with me. any fool can be a father but you need a license to drive a car. and life is like a roller coaster, and i love roller coasters! I feel like my transition has been a wonderful roller coaster ride!

    when i go for walks guys get turned on sometimes because my presentation is convincing. one day i was walking back from a job worn out. a guy yelled from a car i wasn’t very convincing! as they passed i saw his girlfriend pounding him right and left and berating him! she had sympathized with me and let him have it! i giggled all the way home.

    I have dated a lot of guys. so many i can’t keep track. but one day i was waiting for cars to pass on the street dressed in my sexiest outfit and a trucker stopped in the middle of the road. !! and wouldn’t let any cars pass until i crossed the street. i was so self conscious!  so i scurried across and waved and went on my way. that sort of thing happens to me sometimes. i’m pretty sure this trucker was a date i had. it turned out he wanted me to dom him which i don’t do. I tried a little and spent the night with him but next morning politely told him he was going down a path i couldn’t take. he took me home and we parted amicably. my heart goes out to him when i think of that truck in the middle of the road!

    the last encounter i had, and you must realize my age is showing now!? anyway i was happily drawing in a park and this guy comes up. i recognized him from a previous encounter that day. he had followed me! he mentioned it was dangerous wearing sheer tops without a bra as the cops would pick me up? i had been wearing that top for years and no one had ever said anything before. i could feel desire emanating from him. so i told him the police and i were on good terms and i was safe and went on my way. he kept following me. i ended up at a friends house freaked out.

    I have learned a great deal about what it means to be a woman. there are good things and bad things. but i feel whole because of the experience. I was once right wing. i even listened to Rush Limbaugh! but my thinking has changed. i can’t be angry at those who are stuck in a bigoted world. But i can’t feel good about them either. they need to get real and wake up. I watch as men of substance are identified as woman haters or gay bashers. and i laugh. those who are most adamently against us are us, frantically trying to hide. i’m not sure what that means? but certainly its a horrible existence for them!

    As for the child abusers i really don’t know what to think. i once had a spanish family rent a house across the street. one of the men there had daggers in his eyes each time i passed the house. so i started going another way. one of the children said to me as i passed that her father told her not to talk with me. there is an old superstition that transfolk are child abusers. i have found just the opposite. it is usually a male family member that is a child abuser, or a priest or person of authority. i don’t know why? i am sure they need professional help. my experience as a father bringing up two children was good. but i wish i had done that after i had transitioned. i would have been a much better parent. as we go along and our lives get longer there will be less children on earth. the family unit will become more of a tribal unit and then fade. there will be less chance for those in authority to abuse the situation. I hope that time comes soon.

    the last encounter i will tell of is of another family renting a house nearby. they are gone now. there were children. the youngest girl took a liking to me. I had been trying out my motorized skateboard and she perked up at the fact i was a girl and using a skateboard. she was being oppressed by her brothers i suppose. one night i was walking by and the family was outside working on a vehicle and the mother made a comment in my direction. so i stopped and commented on the vehicle. next day the little girl gave me bad looks. mom had freaked i guess. since then i try to stay away from families unless i know that are not mired in superstition. we have many folks come into our town looking for work. we have a group of very creative and affluent people in our town due to the university, and that means money. these new outsiders bring with them negativity especially about transfolk. they either adapt or move on. i have seen it many times. and its not just transfolk that make that happen. its a total attitude. what works in the boondocks from which they are fleeing, does not work here, unless you are capable of good behavior and have some compassion. i see that on a larger scale across the USA. the gop is foundering trying to find an invincible power base. but unless they affect change big time they and other bigoted folk will just fade into oblivion.

    i registered this year as republican. my family has always been republican. i see it as a chance for me to have a voice in bringing republicans back to reality and not foundering in the hopelessness they are headed toward. for a republic to work there needs to be a lot of heart and a loyal opposition. right now we have neither. I support Biden because i think he sees this reality.

    in closing i am so happy since i transitioned. i have been so happy for 15 years! at first i thought i needed a cat scan because of the mental change. but then i realized a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and i was free. it is dangerous to be transgender, not to mention being pagan and a witch! i have put myself into an impossible position. but in that impossible position i am happy. go figure.

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    • #120639
      Michelle Lawson
      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      Mia, I loved your stories. You and your life are examples of how we can’t be put in some defined box anymore than anyone else on this planet. All 7+ billion of us live on this ‘blue marble’, all with 7+ billion stories to tell. If we all took time to hear each other’s stories, this would be a lot more peaceful place to call home. Michelle

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