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When I first started exploring my woman hood I wasn’t scared or really nervous . I don’t let what someones point of view of me get under my skin , life is to short to waste it on negative energy . Learning to walk in heels was the hardest part for me . My sisters and girlfriends were a big help in doing my hair and make up and coming up with a style that was me . My own Dad was shocked on how I looked , I’m a spitting image of my sister Barb . He was proud which really enforced his support towards me . This was the greatest day of my life , being excepted for who I’m . This gave me high levels of confin and this is what I needed .
I still remember the day when I had my first appointment with the specialist , holy crap was his first words . I can say that I was getting tired on the amount of doctors and specialist I had see and the amount of needles which got grab in back . Spinal taps no longer bother me now . Work was wonderful , company I was working for was owned by a Woman and was welcomed with open arms . We did contract work for the Government . I was surprised on how many people actually had my back . I was asked a lot of questions , gave a lot off answers . After a year and half I got my surgery date and flight times . I was jumping around for days with excitement !!! My flight was an interesting one , at the security gate I ended up standing there for half an hour taking with the lady about my shoes leading to which are the best stores in the city . This ticked off a few people behind us , but I didn’t care . It was an important topic ! I must admit that I didn’t do well in the air . last time I was on a aircraft I was 9 .
While my stay at the recover house I meet some interest folks , made a few friends . Two from the same city which was nice actually . I didn’t know any one else who was going through this . Once back home we would meet for lunch or coffee and I started going to support groups with them . That didn’t last for very long and I was warned before hand by Joe ( not his real name ) that the group would have a hard time excepting me because I was more then passable and I had my surgery at the time . I didn’t believe him at all , he was right though and I stop going to them . There are just some questions I don’t like being asked and pushed to answer them .
After spending 3 months off work while recovering I was glad to be back to work . Tired the dating seen for awhile and didn’t want to be someones fetish so I became a home body . Had a job change and that is when life started to take a turn . I went through cancer which kick my ass for a year and half , but I fought back .
Work wasn’t going well for me , a few guys had an issue with me and I was asked to stop wearing my makeup and put my hair back . This was the first time I was ever asked by any one to do this , I would comply to it and was let go .
This was 8 months after my surgery and became a victim of sexual crime . I felt ashamed , dirty no matter how many times I showered it just wouldn’t go away . I couldn’t talk about I was embarresed to even mention it let along even admit to myself what happened . Ever time I looked in the mirror all I would see is disgrace and was getting very disguised with my self to the point I stop taking my hormones , stop doing my dilolations was just to painful . Didn’t do my hair and face same with my nails , ended up tossing all of my clothes sticking with bagging jeans and t-shirts . Wouldn’t even touch myself enless it was having a shower ,Lost my home and ending up staying a friends place and this when I started living the lie alll over again .
It has been a ruff 13 years fighting what I feel inside . I told no one who I was and ref my self a male . I have a lot of trust issues with males and really don’t want hem s friends . I’m slowly starting to change that , but it’s not easy .
But I’m really scared now over something that I never had issues with before . I love being out an about except for the winter time , don’t do well in cold climate . There is this deep fear of being a victim again even finding work is going to be a challenge . So right now I really don’t know where to start . My experience with support groups wasn’t a pleasant one . Who do really speak to about this is my current goal .
Thanks for letting me be a bit on the chat side
Terri
Hello Terri. I am sure that opening yourself up like that was very hard but I think that we all need to be able to do it when we are ready to make a change in our circumstances and life. I have done the same thing myself many times. Let me know if you need to talk sometime.
Dear Terri,
I’m so sorry you went through all of these terrible things. Being a victim of sexual assault is difficult… even after years of therapy and self-care. I hope you can find some peace soon.
Kyra
Thank -you Kyra and Jamie ,
No need to be sorry at all Kyra but your support is appreciated and aids in helping me recover . Still have a long road to travel and I know there are going to some ruff and bumpy patches . I will be back to myself in no time .
Jamie , you have no idea how hard it was for me even with all the grammar errors made . Took me 3 1/2 hours just to type that and a pack of smokes . Growing up we were always told , boys don’t cry and girls don’t share feelings . So it can be challenging for me at times .
Must admit though that opening up and sharing what happened to me has had an impact on how I feel on dealing with the situation conjuring within .
Terri
Hello Terri. Something that I did not mention before was finding yourself a local support group. Online chatting is okay but I think you need to find some local trans friends to help you decide which way you should go.
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Sorry for the late reply , it has been rather busy these past few months .
I won’t go to any local trans support groups . When I transitions 20 years ago I had to attend support group meetings for part of the program . Not a good experience for me . When you are very passable and really pretty , I was schon because of it and having all the males hit on me kinda freaked me out . After three meetings , that was enough for me and I never went back .
I found the help I needed and I can say I haven’t felt more beautiful or live then what I’m feeling now .
Hi Terri,
I am new here. I felt so sad when I was reading your story. I am happy to hear that you got some help and feel better. You deserve to feel better, you are a beautiful person.
I was raised in a family with my father and brothers having toxic masculinity. I was quiet, sensitive and felt feminine, but had to repress that to survive in our house. I have some male friends, but I cannot connect with them and I can’t trust males with my feelings.
It is nice to meet you and hope to see you around on the website.
-Cathy
Guten tag Cathy ,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me .
Terri-Alexis
Hi Michelle,
Putting it behind has been one of the hardest challenges I have to face and there will still be challenges on that but , at least I’m better prepared to deal with my emotions when they arise . I still do get the odd flashbacks on that night which leads to half a day being spent in bed crying . Not like before which would last days to weeks . I’m very proud of myself for the accomplishments I’ve made up to this point . Feeling the beauty within has lighten more then just a candle , it’s a shining star ready to cast it’s brightness upon the world .
Terri-Alexis
[quote quote=94392]I found the help I needed and I can say I haven’t felt more beautiful or live then what I’m feeling now .[/quote]
This so good to hear! That was a bad experience with layers of difficulty. Congratulations on finding the help and taking care of yourself. My mentor says, “Self-care first.” I’m so glad you found the tools to do that.
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