Scared Shitless

  • Creator
  • #91642
    Terri Werner

    When I first started exploring my woman hood I wasn’t scared or really nervous . I don’t let what someones point of view of me get under my skin , life is to short to waste it on negative energy . Learning to walk in heels was the hardest part for me . My sisters and girlfriends were a big help in doing my hair and make up and coming up with a style that was me . My own Dad was shocked on how I looked , I’m a spitting image of my sister Barb . He was proud which really enforced his support towards me . This was the greatest day of my life , being excepted for who I’m . This gave me high levels of confin and this is what I needed .

    I still remember the day when I had my first appointment with the specialist , holy crap was his first words .  I can say that I was getting tired on the amount of doctors and specialist I had see and the amount of  needles which got grab in back . Spinal taps no longer bother me now . Work was wonderful , company I was working for was owned by a Woman and was welcomed with open arms . We did contract work for the Government . I was surprised on how many people actually had my back . I was asked a lot of questions , gave a lot off answers . After a year and half I got my surgery date and flight times . I was jumping around for days with excitement !!! My flight was an interesting one , at the security gate I ended up standing there for half an hour taking with the lady about my shoes leading to which are the best stores in the city . This ticked off a few people behind us , but I didn’t care . It was an important topic ! I must admit that I didn’t do well in the air . last time I was on a aircraft I was 9 .

    While my stay at the recover house I meet some interest folks , made a few friends . Two from the same city which was nice actually . I didn’t know any one else who was going through this . Once back home we would meet for lunch or coffee and I started going to support groups with them . That didn’t last for very long and I was warned before hand by Joe ( not his real name ) that the group would have a hard time excepting me because I was more then passable and I had my surgery at the time . I didn’t believe him at all , he was right though and I stop going to them . There are just some questions I don’t like being asked and pushed to answer them .

    After spending 3 months off work while recovering I was glad to be back to work . Tired the dating seen for awhile and didn’t want to be someones fetish so I became a home body . Had a job change and that is when life started to take a turn . I went through cancer which kick my ass for a year and half , but I fought back .

    Work wasn’t going well for me , a few guys had an issue with me and I was asked to stop wearing my makeup and put my hair back . This was the first time I was ever asked by any one to do this , I would comply to it and was let go .

    This was 8 months after my surgery and became a victim of sexual crime . I felt ashamed , dirty no matter how many times I showered it just wouldn’t go away . I couldn’t talk about I was embarresed to even mention it let along even admit to myself what happened . Ever time I looked in the mirror all I would see is disgrace and was getting very disguised with my self to the point I stop taking my hormones , stop doing my dilolations was just to painful . Didn’t do my hair and face same with my nails , ended up tossing all of my clothes sticking with bagging jeans and t-shirts . Wouldn’t even touch myself enless it was having a shower ,Lost my home and ending up staying a friends place and this when I started living the lie alll over again .

    It has been a ruff 13 years fighting what I feel inside . I told no one who I was and ref my self a male . I have a lot of trust issues with males and really don’t want hem s friends . I’m slowly starting to change that , but it’s not easy .

    But I’m really scared now over something that I never had issues with before . I love being out an about except for the winter time , don’t do well in cold climate . There is this deep fear of being a victim again even finding work is going to be a challenge . So right now I really don’t know where to start . My experience with support groups wasn’t a pleasant one . Who do really speak to about this is my current goal .

    Thanks for letting me be a bit on the chat side





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  • Author
    • #94458

      I found the help I needed and I can say I haven’t felt more beautiful or live then what I’m feeling now .

      This so good to hear! That was a bad experience with layers of difficulty. Congratulations on finding the help and taking care of yourself. My mentor says, “Self-care first.” I’m so glad you found the tools to do that.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #94456

      Hi Michelle,

      Putting it behind has been one of the hardest challenges I have to face and there will still be challenges on that but , at least I’m better prepared to deal with my emotions when they arise . I still do get the odd flashbacks on that night which leads to half a day being spent in bed crying . Not like before which would last days to weeks . I’m very proud of myself for the accomplishments I’ve made up to this point . Feeling the beauty within has lighten more then just a candle , it’s a shining star ready to cast it’s brightness upon the world .





      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #94431
      Michelle Larsen

      Wow Terri. I would never want something like that to happen to anyone, for any reason, at any time. I don’t know how you ‘put it past you’, but I hope you are coming to grips that it is not you, and be able to take back full control of your life. Stay strong and safe. Hugs, Michelle

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #94392

      Hello Terri. Something that I did not mention before was finding yourself a local support group. Online chatting is okay but I think you need to find some local trans friends to help you decide which way you should go.

      Sorry for the late reply , it has been rather busy these past few months .

      I won’t go to any local trans support groups . When I transitions 20 years ago I had to attend support group meetings for part of the program . Not a good experience for me . When you are very passable and really pretty , I was schon because of it and having all the males hit on me kinda freaked me out . After three meetings , that was enough for me and I never went back .

      I found the help I needed and I can say I haven’t felt more beautiful or live then what I’m feeling now .


      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #94397

        Hi Terri,

        I am new here. I felt so sad when I was reading your story. I am happy to hear that you got some help and feel better. You deserve to feel better, you are a beautiful person.

        I was raised in a family with my father and brothers having toxic masculinity. I was quiet, sensitive and felt feminine, but had to repress that to survive in our house. I have some male friends, but I cannot connect with them and I can’t trust males with my feelings.

        It is nice to meet you and hope to see you around on the website.


        2 users thanked author for this post.
        • #94418

          Guten tag Cathy ,

          Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me .




          1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #91914

      Hello Terri. Something that I did not mention before was finding yourself a local support group. Online chatting is okay but I think you need to find some local trans friends to help you decide which way you should go.

    • #91654

      Thank -you Kyra and Jamie ,

      No need to be sorry at all Kyra but your support is appreciated and aids in helping me recover . Still have a long road to travel and I know there are going to some ruff and bumpy patches . I will be back to myself in no time .

      Jamie , you have no idea how hard it was for me even with all the grammar errors made . Took me 3 1/2 hours just to type that and a pack of smokes . Growing up we were always told , boys don’t cry and girls don’t share feelings . So it can be challenging for me at times .

      Must admit though that opening up and sharing what happened to me has had an impact on how I feel on dealing with the situation conjuring within .



    • #91645
      Ms. Kyra

      Dear Terri,

      I’m so sorry you went through all of these terrible things. Being a victim of sexual assault is difficult… even after years of therapy and self-care.  I hope you can find some peace soon.




    • #91644

      Hello Terri. I am sure that opening yourself up like that was very hard but I think that we all need to be able to do it when we are ready to make a change in our circumstances and life. I have done the same thing myself many times. Let me know if you need to talk sometime.

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