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Hi everyone!!
I am a new member here. My name is Andrea. I am a long time… sheesh… I hate the labels. I suppose we can say “gender fluid…” I suppose we can say male-to-female and leave it at that. I started life genetically assigned male; but that is not how I feel.
I spent years and year in chat and on sites where it was just tawdry, illicit and I have just grown weary of all of that. I am seeking for a healthy lifestyle as the authentic self, and at this moment, I am not sure what that presentation will look like.
I am a late forty-something homebody. I work on my own, from home for decades, which allows me a lot of freedom to present how I feel on any given day. More and more, that is in what would be seen as female presentation. It is no longer staying super quiet inside. I have begun taking baby steps into the so-called real world.
I love to cook when time allows. I am in general a creative person. Love history, museums and sometimes just sitting back and letting good television roll over me. Love to travel. I seek good conversation and friendship. If you are in the NY tri-state area — even better. Stop in and say hello.
Andrea
Welcome, I have only been on this site for a short time also. It can be a long journey to get to the point in life where we have the freedom to present in the way that we are the most comfortable. It is good that you have been able to work from home and are not bound by the rules of someone else’s workplace. You appear to be very comfortable by presenting as female. Glad to meet you and I look forward to hearing your insights about living as trans.
So — I guess this will become a bit of a “blog” and I will continue posting here when I can/have the need to share my thoughts. I thank those of you in advance who take the time to read my “stream of consciousness…”
I have done some time “on the couch” as it were with a therapist and hand about 4 years of discussing a wide swath of topics including the one topic I felt I needed to address after years and years of just pushing it into a compartmentalized space. From when this started as a teen through my life, there has been a space for Andrea — different form the male version that is the “dominant” public person. Since I work from home, as I have for nearly 20 years, I have noticed a slow, steady shift towards choosing to present as a woman. It never mattered what I might be doing. It has become such a normal thing, that I am just going about the day — period. It is not fetishistic.
The time with my therapist was great. It got too expensive which is why I stopped. I felt like the topics we were discussing became “circular.” We never seemed to cross a further threshold. I am not sure if it was because I was not comfortable out of fear. But through the last 4 years out of therapy, and the clear increase in not only female presentation on the daily, but also beginning to go out into public while presenting female — I have been wondering for many weeks — should I re-engage a therapist? Perhaps this is not “gender fluid.” Perhaps its something else? I accept I am non-binary — i am way past that point. I think now — its about integrating what often I have felt is 2 lives into one. What physical form that takes — i am not sure.
So — I reached out to an online resource and am looking at re-engaging a therapist through the safety of the web in this Covid universe.
I hope I am taking a healthy, and “right” step here. Not wasting time, and dollars.
Andrea
Welcome Andrea. I think many are here for similar reasons and for we older women especially since many of us are isolated in one way or another. All of us I think, whether writing, commenting or just reading are I presume looking to express ourselves and look for support from our sisters of similar experience. Some of us are slowly emerging from isolation whether because life circumstance changes and/or it becomes harder to repress that part of us. We all I think look for those that love the part of us that we love and those that find it in relationships are quite lucky. Regardless, I hope you find what you are looking for whether here or elsewhere or in therapy. BTW therapy can seem circular at times and being there for many, many years at times seems especially if thresholds don’t get crossed. I’ve brought this up many times with my therapist and she ascribes it to fear of vulnerability. I would guess it is more complex sort of like when I treat my patients for medical issues. Never simple.
Hi Andrea,
I’m glad to read your introduction. I hope you’re finding good community and support here–I mean, having a non-standard gender can be really isolating sometimes, it seems to me, and I feel like social interaction can be challenging even when it goes well.
I’m non-binary and transfeminine, which it sounds like you might be as well … or perhaps you’re on a journey of transformation at your own pace and will eventually find you’ve landed entirely on the female side of things? Either way, I know it’s tricky, but I hope you’re getting some of the joy for it, too.
I work with a nonbinary therapist from out of state who’s wonderful but who, due to being non-local, isn’t covered by my insurance–but I’d certainly recommend them to anyone who’s looking for that kind of therapist. I’ve worked previously with a supportive but not especially trans-experienced cis female therapist, then a sort of LGBTQ-specializing cis female therapist, and now with my current therapist, and with each person I’ve been able to do a lot of good work, got to sort of a plateau, and then moved on to a therapist who had a deeper understanding of transgender experience.
Anyway, it’s nice to meet you here virtually, and I hope it’s all going well!
Quinn
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