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How come I don’t feel like I can know myself? The more I uncover the less I trust myself. I should feel liberation as these layers are peeled back but instead I feel despair. How deeply has this woman been buried in my soul? I thought I had conquered this foe and could be truly happy. If only I could rip her apart. Why couldn’t she fester within someone else? 😥
Can a leopard change its spots? You are who you are, should that be torn apart? When I looked at it I saw the barriers I had placed in front of myself to getting out. As he gave way, she started unlocking them. With my therapist I’ve been able to find my way over, around and through them. Each one has been one more step toward freedom. Yes I was buried deep, but I had to get out.
I hate that in order to be myself I have to sacrifice my family. I love my wife even if she can’t love me for who I am. If I lose my wife I will never be able to hear the pitter patter of my daughter’s little feet as she comes to give me hugs when I get home. It is likely I will not be able to raise my son so he doesn’t have to fear being whoever or whatever he wants to be. I can’t trust someone else to raise my kids. I know I cannot blame myself but I feel helpless at times. I wish I could have embraced the woman I was meant to be when I didn’t have so much to lose. I cared too much about how I would be perceived by others. I feel guilty. Sometimes I wish my wife would end our marriage so I can stop pretending, move back to Cali and be myself.
Cloe I wish people could appreciate people like you. I’m such a piece of garbage. The fact that you have to see a therapist to find yourself is a freakin’ travesty.
Pfifer, I think maybe you misinterpreted what i was saying. I figured out who I was in the 90’s and only in the last few years did I start doing what’s right for me. I had built my own closet with lots of obstacles to get out. No therapist helped me rediscover myself, but she is helping me undo what I had done to myself.
My heart breaks for you and your current situation. Facing the same family dilemma is what drove me deep into that closet of my own free will. I don’t have good answers to give you. What I do know is that 20+ yrs later it was as if the pressure cooker was about to explode. I had done what was right for the family, but not for myself.
I was such an a-hole when we would fight and I would tell her “this is how guys think”. She would say if this is how guys think she wants to be a lesbian. But now she can’t accept me as a woman. Do you know how many things she wishes I would do for her that Pfizer would be more than happy to do? She said these things are all she wants in a husband but apparently they are things she only accepts in her friends. Wtf!
Pfifer, I struggle with this very same issue. I have lamented so often that I was cursed with this affliction to the point of tears. How much easier my life would be if I didn’t have to deal with this. I am learning not to see it as an affliction mostly by forging ahead blindly. I am in a similar situation where the outcome of my journey of discovery has no certainty that it will end positively with respect to my wife or my 3 boys. I have been given the freedom to find myself with the proviso that if the end result is more than my wife can live with then our relationship is at an end. I wish I had a comforting answer, but I don’t. I can offer the empathy of shared experience. I continue my journey because I can’t stop it now. I won’t lie though, the implications of a future without my boys weighs heavily on me. The journey ahead looks long.
Charley
To be honest. The thought of losing my family was nothing compared to seeing how much pain my wife is going through trying to accept that I am not entirely who she believed I was. From my experience and from what I’ve read, it is hard for spouses of transgender people to accept their spouse is the same person before coming out. My wife went through a no joke grieving period for a few weeks. I think she is starting to see that I haven’t really changed as a person. As far as exploring myself, it sounds like you have a bit more freedom than myself. I currently don’t think I will come to transition socially or otherwise. It is what I must do to preserve my family.
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