Shame a simple word but very powerful

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    • #35915

      My mother used shame to stop me from wearing my sisters nite gown to bed when i was 6. I always had such a difficult time falling asleep. The one thing that helped me was putting on my sister’s nite gowns . I felt a sence of peace. They were so comforting. I was told one early morning to get out of my sister’s nite gown before my father got up and seen me. I was told that only sissyboys did that. I was also made to understand that sissy boys were less than boys. I am not sure what that meant. Did it mean that i was a girl or was I inbetween being a girl and a boy.  Did that make me one almost a girl. I believe that is where it all started for me. That moment I had to decide what I wanted. It was not put in any kind concearned motherly way. Did i want to be less than what was given to me? I knew even at that age I did not want to be made fun of or called a sissy boy . It would of been so nice to ask me why i liked to wear girls cloths. It would of been so simple to answer. It made me feel good and happy. I hope that todays children are asked when they are displaying unusual behavior a simple question Why? Most children would simply say i do not know. Their brain has not matured enough to give you a thoughtful answer. To stop a unnatural behavior . Shame was was continually used to in small messages. Even the girls learned to use it when they got mad at you. No man ever wants to feel less than he was suppose to be. So began a life of shame for even thinking like a woman never mind dressing like a woman. With feeling shame for thinking like you shouldn’t comes anxiety. They call it gender dysphoria today. They believe it is so serious they willing to recommend HRT and surgery just to help with that anxiety. How do we deal with the shame we have been forced to feel. That has become a side effect. A side effect that stays with you your whole life. I cannot thing of using shame on any one or even a dog who spoils your carpet. Let us try to educate the new potential parents of our future children. Please ask the queston Why? It may surpise you. Instead of saying I donot know . They will say very simply i am a girl thats why i like wearing girs clothes. What is wrong with that? Shame is a horrible way of curbing what is believed to be bad behavior. Luv Stephanie





      • This topic was modified 3 years ago by Jasmine.
    • #35917

      My dad wanted me doing all boys stuff when I like to play with barbies and with my sisters dressing up …but always felt like a sissy boy ….I love to decorate, and draw portraits , and chatting with women about life guys just seemed boring till I got attracted to them for sex..

      • #35925

        Hi Annie You seemed to have a normal young girls feelings about boys and did normal young girl . What makes us feel bad about doing normal girl fun play?

        Luv Stephanie

    • #35921

      I remember a few years ago buying some odds and ends in a supermarket while waiting for the makeup aisle to clear.   I then walked down the aisle and quickly grabbed the lipstick I wanted and dropped it into the basket without stopping.  Went to the self-service till and scanned my items, and yes, the bloody lipstick threw up a “unexpected item in the bagging area”.  Along came a supervisor, looked at the screen with “LIPSTICK” in large letters on it and scanned her override card.  My poor heart was going like mad…

      What was odd is that I was still married at the time and my wife often asked me to get her items while I was out, including many a feminine item, or left me holding her clothing purchases at the queue for the till while she went looking for something else and managed not to come back until after I had made the purchases for her (yes, very cunning of her.)   These purchases never made me embarrassed because they were ‘legitimate’, whereas I felt ashamed the moment I bought the same sort of items for myself.

      I am now starting to just get on with it, but there is more work to be done.  I need to have the confidence to go en femme shopping. Perhaps next week…

      I can’t even pinpoint where this shame comes from.  It seems to have crept in by osmosis throughout my life.  A drip drip drip of subtle hints of boundaries that should not be crossed.

      • #35923

        Very first time went to walmart was looking in the womens section and found a bra I liked so was looking at the then for sizes and another woman came along looking at them also felt very strange she just smiled at me then was looking for bra extensions and had to ask two women clerks for them they just said there right over here and was asking me did I need a two hook one or three hook one told them both they were very helpful but was kind of embarrassed about it wonder if they thought it was strange? Anyway at least they have self checkouts so that was my shopping trip…was looking for clip on earrings but they didn’t even carry them or i just didn’t find them…..

        • #35926

          Hi Annie Nice clip on earrings are hard to find I know you can have pretty earings customized to a clip on. Maybe we created those boundries. Just by the simple way stores are set up. The girls section The womans section

          Luv Stephanie


          • #36169

            Some stores that cater materials for hobby crafting have clips converters you can buy and exchange for the hook or pin fasteners.


      • #36028

        Hi Jasmine I know that feeling I have bought so many items for the home. Simple things like milk bread and the one thing i bought just for me,eye liner pencil. It would drop or it did not have a price on it. The girl would call for a price check. Then a woman would come over from that dept. She would not know . The check out lady would say sorry it will be just a moment SIR. I hate that word SIR. All the best lol Luv Stephanie


    • #35935

      I bought enough online that my first trip out shopping I was already en femme.  Thankfully this is one shame I did not encounter.

      • #36026

        Hi Cloe. I wish they had online shopping when i was growng up it would of made things so much easier. When i was about 16 I would go to two or three stores just to put a simple outfit together. I would mix the fem clothes with boy cloths just so no one would know I was shopping for girls clothes crazy. I always ended up with so many boy cloths i did not want. Lol.  Luv Stephanie

    • #35949

      I have always felt comfortable buying women’s clothes. It’s all I’ve worn for years now.

      • #36025

        Hi Cassandra There should be no reason to feel uncomfortable buying womans clothes. Sounds like you grew up in a healthy environment. I am truly happy for you Luv Stephanie

    • #35973
      Chris Cox

      I’m not sure if shame is the word to describe my feeling when shopping for woman’s clothes. I know at times I may feel nervous and a bit apprehensive but other times perfectly calm. I think that, perhaps its just my mood swings. I’m moody! There are times when shopping I will gather up a bunch of items and head straight to the woman’s changing room to try them on. Oh the confused looks I get when I exit the room,  but the smiles that I get at times just makes all okay. Now there are the times that if another man or young girls are in the area I will skip the shopping all together. But if in the right mood that doesn’t matter either. Gosh am I strange or what?

      • #36024

        Hi Chris I too have a difficult time with children In the area. Especially young girls they really check you out. I guess they are doing what comes natural to them.. I am happy for you that you did feel guilty like you were doing something wrong as i did luv Stephanie



      • #36168

        I let very little stop me these days. I have absolutely no problem shopping female clothes, makeup etc for myself. When in a new store I use to ask one of the staff for the location of the dressing room out of courtsey to make known I will be trying the things on and seek out their feelings. Only once have I been denied trying things on in close to 20 years and twice, at another store, I have been directed to the men’s dressing cubicles. Many more times I have experienced marvellous support and understanding with shop attendances asking how things fit, whether I need another size or colour, and even suggesting other clothes and asking me to model them. It has made little difference if I have been presenting male or female.

    • #36030
      Todd Maki

      Since the journey of self discovery began for me, I have felt no shame when shopping for women’s clothes. Any store I go to everyone is helpful and accepting. Shopping for women’s clothes feels natural to me. It’s a great feeling to walk into a store and feel like I belong there.

      • #36036

        Hi Todd That must be such a wounderful feeling. My shame was horrible.I would put my eyes down just walking by the womans dept I am just beginning to feel comfortable. I shop pretty much every week..I do the food shopping 1 day and the next day non food items Shampoo, cream rince ,moisturizer ,hygiene ,products that type of thing. I would feel uncomfortable just buying feminate hygene products. Now no problem with make up ect. It is 1 less thing you will have to overcome. For me it was huge. The next challange for me is telling my primary Dr. to get a referal for a endocrinologist. That should be alot of fun not. Luv Stephanie

    • #36078

      I am terrified of buying clothes/shoes/makeup by myself. But I am fortunate to have a wife who fully supports me living as a female. She helps me shop so I don’t have to do it alone and I also use Amazon for my shopping needs as well.

    • #36095

      I was shamed as a boy for wearing girls underwear; which I still do today.

      Recently at Lane Bryant, I was holding some items I had selected (bralette, bra, dress) and looking at jeans when the sales associate asked if she could hold them; asked if they were for me and offered a dressing room. I was so surprised that I said that, no they were for my “wife” but wished that i had taken her up on the offer. All afternoon I felt an exhilarating freedom knowing that I could try on the clothes I wear at home in public. Frankly, I can’t wait to go back and try on those jeans!

      • #36159

        btw; I went back to the store late yesterday and had it to myself. Easy conversations with the 3 sales associates and no shame in trying on and browsing for what I wanted. Left with three tops,  2 pairs of  jeans, 2 sports bras and control top panties. Wonderful experience!

        • #36167

          I love it sounds like you had great time and bought a few cute outfits at the same time

          We should all enjoy spending our money. Luv Stephanie

      • #36225

        <p style=”text-align: right;”>My name is thomas and am not at all ashamed when i go and purchase female clothes and hygiene.  I ignore laughing and s stares.  I am not worried about what others  say about my purchase . I gave up on male underwear . I also wear dresses and buy maxi pads . I am not ashamed.</p>

        • #36240

          Hi Thomas, we should not feel any shame when buying products that we feel we want or need. I too use panty liners to help smooth out area that has been our biggest mistake after tucking. Hygene is the basics for all woman. Ignoring the comments of those who just want to make me feel bad. I am still working on.  Luv Stephanie

        • #36392

          i also buy pads at store and don’t care what they think if its for me or wife or GF. to them its money in the cash register. i also buy dresses in stores at times and nylons and bras, panties in store, but i make sure i have the right size. if asked i just say for wife, but how many employees ask if the dresses or female cloths you are buying is for you or wife?

        • #52334

          I bought pads too, thought I was alone in that…how wonderful

      • #36241

        Hi Kristy Just recently I spoke with the sales woman at Khols about this very subject . The trans friendly stores have trained there employees that we are customers and we should be treated as such. We maybe small in number but we purchase a lot of goods. Our spending power is huge. They do not smile at usfor buying a cute bralette. They smile at our discomfort or our reaction to their question Are these for you? I learned to say yes and added a comment.and a question back It is so pretty don’t you think? There is nothing wrong with appreciating pretty clothes and wanting to wear them. They will understand that as a woman. Lets help these sales people help us . luv Stephanie

      • #36918

        Lane Bryant is one of the most TG-friendly stores out there…I’ve always been treated with dignity and respect. On my first visit, I was shopping for some nice bras…the sales clerk asked if I would mind her coming into the dressing room with me, so that she could better help me finds things that would fit well and accentuate my body. I was SO grateful for her help and have enjoyed many return trips.

        Soma is another of my favorite stores – where I’ve always been treated like any other woman…


        • #36919

          What a great experience; lucky you! I find Catherine’s to be the same although at LB they are super friendly. Enjoy shopping at the Catherine’s on Halsey,  always a nice reception; same as the store in Vancouver. 🙂

    • #36355

      I  felt extremely nervous and excited, but no shame.

    • #36415

      I know about shame. It’s pretty much defined my life. I love shopping for women’s clothes it makes me feel womanly. I’ve wasted $ buying stuff that didn’t fit cause I guessed wrong on the size. I never looked at it as shame for not wanting to try things on as much as just protecting myself. I pick my spots and try not to attract attention. 💋

    • #36523

      I buy a lot of my clothes from charity/thrift shops and I still feel a bit shamed about it, i have wasted money on clothes I thought would fit only to find out they are to small and would not fit, only today I was in a charity shop and liked the look of a nice dress but couldn’t find the courage to pick it up and buy it, i suppose when I call in again it will have been sold x ah well that’s life I suppose xxxxx

      • #52333

        I only registered this morning, really relate to your shopping anxiety. Have loved putting on women’s clothes since I was young, feels good/scary telling anyone. Just thought I’d acknowledge your post as it’s my experience too.

      • #52752

        I do most of my dress and shoe shopping at thrift stores, but preferably at second-hand couture places. They’re usually cheapish, modish and very fashionable. And don’t worry about the salespeople: they just want your cash! Jayne

      • #137779

        I went to a thrift shop once bought some women’s clothing, and the cashier lady actually followed me out and watch me get into my car I never went back,

    • #36625

      no same at all now, seems to embarrass my Wife more when she is with when I see something I like,

    • #36675

      I certainly felt shame buying ‘women’s’ things when I was young but once I came to the realization that I am a woman, I then bought all those things for ‘me’ as a woman instead of for someone who wanted to be a woman

    • #36676

      I certainly felt shame buying ‘women’s’ things when I was young but once I came to the realization that I am a woman, I then bought all those things for ‘me’ as a woman instead of for someone who wanted to be a woman.
      I would now feel shame buying men’s clothing.

    • #52354

      I think the results are very interesting to this question. Despite half of the people (including myself) saying yes to shame, we are still moving forward with our lives. I will not let shame stop me from doing what I truly want in life. A big part of this is because I feel this “shame” only exists because society as a whole says men who buy womens clothing should feel shame because that act within itself is immoral. I can’t believe in 2019 that people still think in such antiquated ways but unfortunately  they do. Us buying womens clothing/presenting as female poses no harm or threat to society yet there are those out there who want to ridicule us and make us feel guilty as if we have committed some type of crime. It was fear and shame that kept me from buying womens clothing,makeup,accessories,shoes,etc. for a long time. One day I was at my breaking point and said “the hell with it” and went shopping in public for my true self for the first time ever. Now I have a wardrobe along with other womens items built up. I can have a different outfit for each day of the week. Recently I purchased a wig(which I love!)for the first time,really helping me see my true self. In the beginning shame and fear kept me from obtaining these items,but now I’m glad to have them and they are my most cherished possessions. My last and current hurdle will be coming out to family and friends. Right now fear and shame seem to be present. I know to move forward with my life I will have to say “the hell with it” one last time.

    • #52372

      My family did use both shame and guilt on me as a kid to try to stop me from wearing womans clothing. Most of them are gone now but I have an older sister who still does it and my 84 y/o mom no longer speaks to me because I’m trans. I have never felt shame buying womans clothing, if fact, I love shopping!!!

    • #52510

      I never feel shame: I’m trans and proud and I say it out loud. And I never feel ashamed when I go trawling for women’s clothes. After all, the law is on your side in most countries and, anyway, they need the dough so they’re not going to turn you away I  always – shamefacedly – use the Ladies’ loo and the dressing rooms and sometimes even invite my girlfriend in to have a look. I do pass, so it’s easier for me but you should get out there with a cheeky grin on your face and live!’

      • #52511

        You were very fortunate that no one shamed you growing up!! Today, I feel NO shame and am very proud to be trans and on HRT awaiting my surgery. But shame screwed up my head as a kid and I agree, there needs to be more education so the public better understands who we are. But until America rids ourselves of the present President, I don’t think it will happen!!

    • #52522

      I wouldn’t go so far as to call it shame.  In my teens/early 20s I would feel very nervous mostly…maybe a tinge of embarrassment if someone seemed to be paying attention to me going to the changing cubicles.

      Now (thankfully) I’m not embarrassed to be me.

      Stacey xxx

      • #52528

        That’s great Stacey! I’m happy to hear that nobody shamed you while you were growing up. Every person has there right to be who they are, to present themselves as they feel with judgement, guilt or shame. Never do I allow those negative feelings to play a part in my life any more.

    • #52529

      [quote quote=52510]

      I never feel shame: I’m trans and proud and I say it out loud. And I never feel ashamed when I go trawling for women’s clothes or wigs (and if you do feel nervous, go online). The law is on your side in most countries and, anyway, they need the dough so they’re not going to turn you away I always – not shamefacedly – use the Ladies’ loo and the dressing rooms and sometimes even invite my girlfriend in to have a look. Go to Maccas or KFC or the movies or the ballet or the library, and wear whatever suits and you can afford – skyscraper heels, corset, lace panties, a pink wig (lol). I do 99% pass, so it’s easier for me but you should get out there with a cheeky grin on your face and live!’


    • #52735

      Unfortunately I was shamed and even threatened by those who were supposed to love me most.  My father was MORTIFIED when I got beat up by some neighborhood girls for wanting to play dolls.  The girls in question said boys couldn’t play with dolls.  When I told them I wasn’t a boy.  I was tackled and my face was colored on. I was told with permanent marker.  Being young I thought I was going to have to go through life “scarred by scribbling”.  I went home in tears to a father who was outraged that I thought I was a girl, that I wanted to play with dolls, and got “beat up” by a couple of them.  He put me over a whipping stool, I was told I was a boy, and if I cared to argue it, he’d beat it out of me.  To death if necessary.  No child of his would grow up a sissy he said.  Furthermore, I was banned from any girl games, clothes, or fun.  So I grew up afraid I’d be beaten to death for feeling female all my life.  It lasted until I was in my 30’s.  I was too afraid and ashamed to tell friends afraid they would share my father and mothers opinion (she backed him and not me).  Eventually, I was discovered by someone who didn’t shame me for it.  I began to get braver and eventually angry about treatment I was forced to endure. Today I am not ashamed of who I am, and instead I wonder how the people who treated me like that aren’t instead ashamed of themselves.

    • #88233
      Dee Stroya

      The shame or guilt I felt was completely fabricated in my own head. I am sure it came from a lack of confidence and  a fear of what others might think.

      • #94031

        I truly believe thats where I am. Ive come to the realization I am transgender 2 years and was very shameful to buy clothes. I eventually started getting them through rummage sales . One day I was  online and show some items I liked and wanted to buy. I wasnt dressed in female clothes and presenting male when she asked me rather plainly “Are these for you?”  Needless to say I wasnt totally embarrased and gave a soft yes. I told her I was transgender, terrified and feeling defeated when she gave me a hug and told me “Good for you!!  I have some others things in your size!”  I couldnt believe it! I told someone i was transgender and made a new friend who is a lgbtq ally!!  I feel great and more confident because of that day!


    • #88363
      Josie J

      I would say I felt abject terror initially–so much so that I first bought clothes online and had them sent to a PO Box so that I could hide them from my grandparents I lived with at the time (very conservative); things became better when I moved out, but since I was engaged to my now wife buying clothes became a very furtive and covert operation initially. I would go to an all-night WalMart when my wife was asleep and initially I would only buy underwear in the self-check out line. Eventually when I came out to my wife as far as dressing I gathered the courage to buy shoes–some “bew-jeweled” flip-flops at WalMart during the daytime, but again of course used self-check out (my mind doing the gymnastics that people would think they were for a wife or someone else or something). When I finally told my wife I was definitely transgender we went and bought clothes together and I still felt secretive, but felt a great deal less shame–but my wife was the one who was embarrassed. Due to my wife’s concerns and other reasons I went back in the closet for a year, and recently am fully out again–buying clothes now is still a little awkward (I feel like I don’t “belong” and with Covid-19 I was doing a lot of guessing–and lots of returning), but when I went with my wife up to West Hollywood I felt a lot more natural given the wide-spread acceptance there. I also met a member of our community at a department store who helped me for hours as far as purchasing makeup and learning how to put it on–and later on who helped me buy proper shoes (small heel; good idea to start with less, he knew his stuff :).

      I suppose if you have an area near you which is more accepting (or if you find staff in our greater LGBT community who can really be there with you as you shop) it can be helpful to shop for clothes there even if you have to drive since you may feel a bit less shame–also if you find someone in our community that can help this can really make it easier also.

    • #88628

      I can go into a shop and by a skirt or dress, try it on, no guilt nor shame.  The sales ladies call me when a new skirt or dress arrives and lets me know to come in to try and maybe buy.

    • #89291

      I enjoy it now. Since I pass as a woman. Rarely a second look unless some guy is Checking me out.  I love that so much! I have given in to the desires for a Man in my life. Thst sure took awhile, nervously a flirt, ect.

      i couldn’t imagine not being with a man romantically. Feels perfect in every way. Men are so. Sensitive! I didn’t know this, but it’s probably the one trait that turns me on more than anything else.

    • #89368

      Interesting question. I had to answer yes, owing to the beginnings of my journey. At first, i did feel ashamed, no one else made me feel ashamed, it was purely my own thoughts and emotions at that time when i first started buying ladies clothes plus of course, the age old question most of us undoubtedly ask ourselves, what am i doing? who am i? where am i going? etc etc. Fast forward a few years and i no longer give it a thought, i like it, i buy it (if i can afford it!!!). I dont really see shame as a problem but more of a natural human response to a certain situation as long as its a personal shame, if however someone else was shaming you then thats a whole different ball game!! Thanks for the question, hugs, Fiona xx

    • #89999

      I’ve never felt a sense of shame about who I am…but like others have said, I’ve felt extremely nervous (in the earlier years)…but now, it’s just who I am. I love being a woman, and love doing all the things women do.

      “Shame” is a tool used by small-minded people in order control others. I am a strong and intelligent woman who won’t be “controlled” by anyone…

      Thank you for posting this topic!

      Love Shawna

    • #93008

      In the early stages I felt a lot of shame and guilt. It was about when I turn 30 and my 1st wife left me. I had a rejuvenation and a kind of reincarnation. It popped in my head “WTF, why all this over clothes, they just clothes and who in the hell is she.” and as soon as I said that. It was like all the guilt and shame left me. That very next day, I went on a shopping and let the girl in me out and shopped till I was broke.

      It was such a rush to let them demons go. I was finely to be feel to be me, the real me. No more purging, no more hiding, no more shame and best thing of all. All that pent-up guilt was gone.

      I was truly free



    • #94020

      Shame wasn’t a word or action I suffered from in relation to who I have been since birth, because I never revealed myself until much later in life, by which time I felt none and was confident in who and what I was. But that never prevented me from feeling it at any point! I can look back to see, that it was one of several self-debilitating emotions that I held onto for years, internalising them all and that eventually put me into hospital with heart disease.

      Shame is a powerful word and like so many others, one we should use with care and caution. Humanity has lost perspective on the use and power of words, possibly intentionally by society influences from those with bad intentions. Language has become polluted with more negative and harmful words along with slang in every language and culture. When the purity of anything is diluted, it becomes less powerful, less effective in a healthy way and creates further negative and bad energy around the world. This applies not just to words but most things.

      Here, we are focused on the word ‘Shame’ and as we know by its use and effect on individuals, it can be extremely harmful to whoever is the focus of that. It would be bad enough to be and feel shamed by just one other, but when it is magnified by the thoughts and actions of a few or tens, hundreds, thousands, or millions of others, the force becomes ever more powerful in its ability to damage someone, a group, nation or section of humanity with devastating consequences. We have seen this in action for years against minorities, as a result of the divisions made throughout the globe on just about very level on the merit of group, size, colour, place of birth etc.

      To be aware is to be armed. So when we communicate with others, we should take care to think and choose our words carefully, not responding in anger or heightened emotion. Take a deep breath and a moment to reflect upon what you think and will say, the words that you will choose to vocalise with an intent that is not harmful or negative.

      Love and hugs

    • #94036

      Hi! I am new here. My parents used shame as a parenting tool. My father like to say “shame on you …” when we made a mistake. One of my friends gave me a pair of girls panties when I was a teenager. I was careless and my mother found them and shamed me. As an adult, I crossdressed a few times and purged while feeling guilt and shame. Now I do most of my shopping online, so I feel no shame. I have bought makeup while shopping for groceries and just buy it with all the food items. No shame there. I was at a store and trying to see if their fitting rooms were open as I wanted to buy a pair of women’s blue jeans and try them on. As I walked past the fitting rooms, my adrenaline kicked in and I felt my anxiety rising. The fitting rooms were close due to Covid, but I felt some guilt, shame and nervousness all mixed together.


      • #94045

        Thank you for sharing. The more we share, the more others open up

      • #94499

        My dad cought me trying on girls clothes when i was very young,it felt nice to me but i felt ashamed because its ‘not what boys are supposed to do! He never said anything but i felt the same guilt for a long time when ive done it since, and ive ‘purged’. However, ive come to the realisation that it does  not make me a bad person, im not hurting anyone, i just love girly stuff, and i dont feel guilty or bad by it anymore. I just want to be able to do it all the time!


    • #94838

      At first, I felt shame and fear whenever I shopped.  I used to make up stories, pretend to be on the phone shopping for gifts, or some other ruse.  When the woman checking people into the fitting rooms asked why I had two dresses, I told her I was involved in a drag show for charity.  she grinned and gave me a more secluded room, and told me to just bring whatever I needed in and try it on.

      Now, I quite often shop as Jemma, full femme.  I do not care if I pass or not.  In fact, because of our new state laws, if someone does object, I can now tell them to buzz off- politely of course.  Being en-femme also allows me to try on shoes with little notice.  This is vital since my weakness for shoes is insane.

    • #99772

      Was never shamed as a child for anything. Dad called me a stupid kid occasionally… but never any shaming.

      Have never felt any shame nor guilt, from the desire to be feminine and the wearing of clothing marketed for females.

      I refuse to accept that something as wonderful as being feminine, and wearing beautiful soft clothing is wrong.


      Gen ❤

      • #99779


        Sorry, I didn’t see ‘buying womens clothing…’

        I do 99% of my shopping online. The few things that I purchase in a BAM is a non issue… no shame in either.

        Gen ❤

      • #119266

        THAT A WAY TO GIRL… I grew up without a father after they got divorced when I was three. I was the smallest and youngest of three brothers. From my earliest memory, I always hung out with girls. As I grew older, I was labeled a ladies man by the boys because they all thought I was not afraid to score. At first, I would try to tell them that I liked hanging out with girls more than guys. The girls didn’t help, because they all thought I was cool, or hip as they said back then. The shame part, even though I loved her with all my heart, came from my mother. Up until I went into the military, she always treated me like a girl. I kept trying to show her I was a boy by doing sports, and other stuff, even though deep in my heart I wanted to be a girl. After joining the military, all of a sudden, I was her big strong son. I went to war, got several medals, and when I got out I became a private investigator for 35 years just to keep her happy and believing I was her strong grown up man, and not a girl. The shame part was I had to live with lying to the only woman, my mother, that I ever loved all my life, because I really wanted to be her little girl.

    • #99789

      Have I felt shame buying woman’s clothes?  No.  Why would I?  I’m a woman, and I wear clothes.  Have people tried to shame me for buying woman’s clothes- sure.  There are plenty of people who are still invested in a worldview where gender is strictly policed and enforced.  Growing up I was expected to display masculine traits.  However, I never felt masculine, and was the type of person who was too stubborn to care what other people expected of me when I knew that what they wanted was not for my best interest, but was just to preserve some silly status quo they had invented to keep their worldview the way they wanted it to be.  Early on I decided that I couldn’t be locked into doing something that was literally psychologically scarring to me.  The only shame I ever felt over woman’s clothing was the shame I felt for having to be brought up and having to live in such an intolerant climate that sacrificed a child’s self-confidence and well being so they could “fit in.”

    • #100530

      Stephanie… hi y’a!

      Can’t say I have felt shame buying women’s clothing… only a a bit of confusion trying to find a size that would fit me… same for shoes! I’m now quite comfortable nosing through knickers or bras in person and I’m out shopping at least twice a week.
      Funnily enough… I have spoken to a large number of women I. The past few weeks and none of them have even blinked… and more than one has commented on something I’ve been wearing!

      I do know ‘shame’. As a good catholic I have had my fair share of the guilt and shame the nuns would have us feel! I’m inoculated against all that now…

      Love Polly

    • #100942
      Cheryl T

      Shame, yes absolutely. Guilt and fear were also a part of it.

      Why? Well, when I was young, boys were boys and girls were girls. It was so distinct and divided. Moms still dressed like June Cleaver and Dads wore suits and ties. At holidays boys got new suits and girls got frilly dresses and patent leather Mary Janes. Only I wanted the frilly dress and Mary Janes but couldn’t tell anyone. Mom even added to that shame as I was pudgy and she made the comment that if I didn’t lose weight she’d have to buy me a girdle. Little did she know I was already wearing hers and loved it!

      When I was old enough to have money and buy things it felt like I was the only shopper in the store and all eyes were on me as I tried to find what size panties or stockings I needed. Then paying at the cashier??? OMG it was an interrogation, the Spanish Inquisition!

      It took a long time before I accepted who I am and gave up all those feelings. But yes, there was shame.

    • #102966

      Thank you Stephanie  my whole life I was full of shame and guilt and I think the guilt was from doing what I wanted to do like dress up and keeping it a secret .  Soon after the shame came in. My mother would get super mad at me and never let my father know . He did know I am sure when I was real young he saw things like playing with my sisters toys  and things like that. He had names for me like little queer man and a few other ones. I was trained to grow up and be a man . I always thought I had a mental problem and kept it to myself . My mental problem wasn’t that I wanted to look pretty it was the shame and guilt I thought it was because I wanted to be a pretty woman .  I always thought that I was doing something wrong  if any one ever found out.  Today the world is a little more open about things like the word Transgender . When I was going though my childhood right up to fifty years old I thought I was the only person dealing with this .  Being all alone full of fair anxiety shame and guilt. Today I am trying to feel good about who I am I even get proud of who I am sometimes and I go to as many trans event as I can because it means something to me and no one should ever be forced to be some one else . Just let me be Mom & dad I am not hurting anyone right. Any ways when it comes  to buying woman’s clothes yes I was full of shame but it is getting a lot better  thanks again Bobbi

    • #121688

      Ive been shamed most of my life! My parents caught me and my dad threatened to tell all my friends which would have killed me. When I got married my wife caught me in her panties and made me turn slowly so she could get a good look. Then she threatened to divorce me and cut me off from our children and tell everyone I worked with about my little hobby. I loved my wife and my children so i suppressed my urges and quit. She just passed away in October from Covid19 so now I am exploring my feminine side but I sometimes feel the shame. I have been in mourning and still am but dressing makes me feel at ease.

      • #121710
        Liz K

        I’m so sorry for your loss Claire. COVID is a horrible disease that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

        I’m also sorry to hear about how you’ve been shamed most of your life and continue to struggle with it. There is nothing shameful about dressing. I hope you continue to discover this side of yourself and find peace.

      • #127698

        My mother and my wife have both embraced my dressing I am one of the very lucky ones

        • #137778

          You are so blessed, I am from a family and friends that is against it, so when I read and hear your stories, my heart flutters, because I know I’m not alone I live through everyone else is stories, thank you all for being there, when people bring these issues up, I fight for the rights of All of us, I try to tell them maybe they don’t know exactly what they’re going through,

      • #141318

        Wow been there now marriage ruined and her sister is gay so many hypocrites

    • #131112


      I know that emotion and feeling so well. Like so many here have mentioned, it was introduced at a young age and used as a tool to form who I was ‘supposed’ to be to fit into our society and community. It was used to draw a line for me on what was and wasn’t acceptable, and helped me to know what I had to hide about who I was and how to ‘be’ when I wasn’t alone and in private.

      I also started out buying womens clothes, before the internet was a thing, under the guise of shopping for a girlfriend or my wife… That was my story I had decided to go with if anyone asked me why I was shopping for womens wear. I remember walking into the womens section and feeling my body tingle and tremble with fear and excitement at the same time.

      My first few purchases were hurried for sure, quite sure I was sweating through everything I was wearing as I checked out. And this was prior to self check out lanes being a thing in stores… Knowing where the line was in my head, made me feel like a first class pervert and deviant for sure. In my mind, I had a million thoughts racing about, and all of them centered around how much shame would be involved if someone figured out the items I was purchasing were indeed for me.

      As time went on, I managed to bury how and who I was inside my mind through getting married and starting a family. Things were good, I seemed to feel like a normal “male” and was treated as such, and I began to think it was all behind me and just a phase I had expeirenced. I felt happy, I thought life was good and this would be who I was finally.

      Sadly though, it was not meant to last and my wife up and decided she didn’t want to be with me anymore and we separated. It was a terrible time in my life to be sure, but it was also a time in my life when I began to let myself let those buried feminine feelings and emotions back into my mind and not try and ignore them, I just let them live in a sense.

      Of course this was now the age of the full blown internet and I took a front row seat to it all. As time went on, after consuming massive amounts of CD/TV pornography when I didn’t have my child, I began to accept that I wanted,  o needed to feel how womens clothes felt on my body.

      As time went on, m plan began to take form, from what I read Goodwill would be a good first attempt, and it was. I was able to find many feminine clothes while looking through the mens section alone. If you are familiar with Goodwill stores, you know they aren’t always as careful as they could be when putting out their items on the racks.

      Mind you, I’m not saying they had dresses and skirts in the mens section, but if you take your time you can find more feminine than masculine items to buy. So that’s what I did, and you know what? The cashier never batted an eye as I checked out. I walked out of the store, feeling like I had won the lottery with my purchases.

      As time went on, I found that buying womens clothes on the internet was so much easier on me emotionally. Online shopping and buying completely erased all that guilt and shame for me. And I noticed that without it, I began to grow. I began to accept that this side of me is okay, and therefor I’m okay.

      shame, guilt, embarrassment… When will we stop living in the past and grow as a society???

      • #137777

        I almost thought that I was writing this,you are not alone,

      • #138476
        Toni Floria

        Hey Brenda I so identify with your story thank goodness for self checkout. 👩🏼

    • #36027

      Hi Cami I truly envy you

      You are so lucky you did not have to deal with shame or guilt .  Things are so much different now. My mother came from southern Ireland She grew up in a difficult time. The boys were the protectors and providers there was no room or tolerance for sissyboys. They would be loved but not relyed on to do any real man stuff. I was the oldest of 8 children. I could not let my mother down. I learned how to be a man. When i faulted she was there to let me know. She knew me but it did not matter she knew even girls could be trained to be men. Its was so simple for her. You were born a boy so you are a boy that is that. Luv Stephanie





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