Shame a simple word but very powerful

How many of us felt shame when buying womans clothing

I am trying to understand if Shame was used on all of us .No matter what part of the world we are from or what type of family or culture. You were raised in

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  • #35915
    Stephanie Kennedy
    Participant

    My mother used shame to stop me from wearing my sisters nite gown to bed when i was 6. I always had such a difficult time falling asleep. The one thing that helped me was putting on my sister’s nite gowns . I felt a sence of peace. They were so comforting. I was told one early morning to get out of my sister’s nite gown before my father got up and seen me. I was told that only sissyboys did that. I was also made to understand that sissy boys were less than boys. I am not sure what that meant. Did it mean that i was a girl or was I inbetween being a girl and a boy.  Did that make me one almost a girl. I believe that is where it all started for me. That moment I had to decide what I wanted. It was not put in any kind concearned motherly way. Did i want to be less than what was given to me? I knew even at that age I did not want to be made fun of or called a sissy boy . It would of been so nice to ask me why i liked to wear girls cloths. It would of been so simple to answer. It made me feel good and happy. I hope that todays children are asked when they are displaying unusual behavior a simple question Why? Most children would simply say i do not know. Their brain has not matured enough to give you a thoughtful answer. To stop a unnatural behavior . Shame was used.it was continually used to in small messages. Even the girls learned to use it when they got mad at you. No man ever wants to feel less than he was suppose to be. So began a life of shame for even thinking like a woman never mind dressing like a woman. With feeling shame for thinking like you shouldn’t comes anxiety. They call it gender dysphoria today. They believe it is so serious they willing to recommend HRT and surgery just to help with that anxiety. How do we deal with the shame we have been forced to feel. That has become a side effect. A side effect that stays with you your whole life. I cannot thing of using shame on any one or even a dog who spoils your carpet. Let us try to educate the new potential parents of our future children. Please ask the queston Why? It may surpise you. Instead of saying I donot know . They will say very simply i am a girl thats why i like wearing girs clothes. What is wrong with that? Shame is a horrible way of curbing what is believed to be bad behavior. Luv Stephanie

     

     

     

     

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    • #52735
      Isabella Verburg
      Participant

      FREE

      Unfortunately I was shamed and even threatened by those who were supposed to love me most.  My father was MORTIFIED when I got beat up by some neighborhood girls for wanting to play dolls.  The girls in question said boys couldn’t play with dolls.  When I told them I wasn’t a boy.  I was tackled and my face was colored on. I was told with permanent marker.  Being young I thought I was going to have to go through life “scarred by scribbling”.  I went home in tears to a father who was outraged that I thought I was a girl, that I wanted to play with dolls, and got “beat up” by a couple of them.  He put me over a whipping stool, I was told I was a boy, and if I cared to argue it, he’d beat it out of me.  To death if necessary.  No child of his would grow up a sissy he said.  Furthermore, I was banned from any girl games, clothes, or fun.  So I grew up afraid I’d be beaten to death for feeling female all my life.  It lasted until I was in my 30’s.  I was too afraid and ashamed to tell friends afraid they would share my father and mothers opinion (she backed him and not me).  Eventually, I was discovered by someone who didn’t shame me for it.  I began to get braver and eventually angry about treatment I was forced to endure. Today I am not ashamed of who I am, and instead I wonder how the people who treated me like that aren’t instead ashamed of themselves.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #62185
        Stephanie Kennedy
        Participant

        SILVER

        Hi Isabella i am so sorry that you had to deal with such pain for just simply wanting to play as any other child.Most parents or guardians are only trying to protect their children from feeling hurt.They do not want their children to be ridiculed or to be made fun of by other children. They want them to fit in. They believe they are only teaching them to fit in. Some parents go the extreme by physically hurting their children.The mental damage that comes from their lack of knowledge how to to help their children that are dealing with their gender identity issues. Today is a lot better than it was. My prayers are it will only get better. We can help change societies thoughts just by being true to ourselves first
        It is hard enough to be a transgender child or adult without adding shame or guilt to the mix. Luv Stephanie

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #52529
      Jayne Bennett
      Participant

      SILVER

      I never feel shame: I’m trans and proud and I say it out loud. And I never feel ashamed when I go trawling for women’s clothes or wigs (and if you do feel nervous, go online). The law is on your side in most countries and, anyway, they need the dough so they’re not going to turn you away I always – not shamefacedly – use the Ladies’ loo and the dressing rooms and sometimes even invite my girlfriend in to have a look. Go to Maccas or KFC or the movies or the ballet or the library, and wear whatever suits and you can afford – skyscraper heels, corset, lace panties, a pink wig (lol). I do 99% pass, so it’s easier for me but you should get out there with a cheeky grin on your face and live!’

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #53404
        Stephanie Kennedy
        Participant

        SILVER

        Hi Jayne you are a inspiration for all of us.Just have a cheeky grin I love it. I have dealt with guilt and shame my whole life. I recently figuered out why. I was made to believe that it was so special to be born a male.It was what both my parents wanted. I did not want to disappoint them. I spent my whole life feeling guilt and shame for not wanting what was given to me. Later, society re-enforces those rules making me feel guilty and shame for wanting to be something I was not. It is so difficult to tell someone or try to show others I am a woman in a male body. That just sounds to crazy but it is true. You and others here at TGH have proved to me it is not crazy but it is real. I am so happy for the new technology to allow all of us to finally have a voice. Stay who you are. You are beautiful. Luv Stephanie

    • #52522
      https://transgenderheaven.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/woman-b14-2.jpgAnonymous
      Inactive

      I wouldn’t go so far as to call it shame.  In my teens/early 20s I would feel very nervous mostly…maybe a tinge of embarrassment if someone seemed to be paying attention to me going to the changing cubicles.

      Now (thankfully) I’m not embarrassed to be me.

      Stacey xxx

      • #52528
        Breanna Leigh
        Participant

        FREE

        That’s great Stacey! I’m happy to hear that nobody shamed you while you were growing up. Every person has there right to be who they are, to present themselves as they feel with judgement, guilt or shame. Never do I allow those negative feelings to play a part in my life any more.

    • #52510
      Jayne Bennett
      Participant

      SILVER

      I never feel shame: I’m trans and proud and I say it out loud. And I never feel ashamed when I go trawling for women’s clothes. After all, the law is on your side in most countries and, anyway, they need the dough so they’re not going to turn you away I  always – shamefacedly – use the Ladies’ loo and the dressing rooms and sometimes even invite my girlfriend in to have a look. I do pass, so it’s easier for me but you should get out there with a cheeky grin on your face and live!’

      • #52511
        Breanna Leigh
        Participant

        FREE

        You were very fortunate that no one shamed you growing up!! Today, I feel NO shame and am very proud to be trans and on HRT awaiting my surgery. But shame screwed up my head as a kid and I agree, there needs to be more education so the public better understands who we are. But until America rids ourselves of the present President, I don’t think it will happen!!

    • #52372
      Breanna Leigh
      Participant

      FREE

      My family did use both shame and guilt on me as a kid to try to stop me from wearing womans clothing. Most of them are gone now but I have an older sister who still does it and my 84 y/o mom no longer speaks to me because I’m trans. I have never felt shame buying womans clothing, if fact, I love shopping!!!

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #52354
      Sarah Harrison
      Participant

      I think the results are very interesting to this question. Despite half of the people (including myself) saying yes to shame, we are still moving forward with our lives. I will not let shame stop me from doing what I truly want in life. A big part of this is because I feel this “shame” only exists because society as a whole says men who buy womens clothing should feel shame because that act within itself is immoral. I can’t believe in 2019 that people still think in such antiquated ways but unfortunately  they do. Us buying womens clothing/presenting as female poses no harm or threat to society yet there are those out there who want to ridicule us and make us feel guilty as if we have committed some type of crime. It was fear and shame that kept me from buying womens clothing,makeup,accessories,shoes,etc. for a long time. One day I was at my breaking point and said “the hell with it” and went shopping in public for my true self for the first time ever. Now I have a wardrobe along with other womens items built up. I can have a different outfit for each day of the week. Recently I purchased a wig(which I love!)for the first time,really helping me see my true self. In the beginning shame and fear kept me from obtaining these items,but now I’m glad to have them and they are my most cherished possessions. My last and current hurdle will be coming out to family and friends. Right now fear and shame seem to be present. I know to move forward with my life I will have to say “the hell with it” one last time.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #36676
      Sheryl Johnstone
      Participant

      FREE

      I certainly felt shame buying ‘women’s’ things when I was young but once I came to the realization that I am a woman, I then bought all those things for ‘me’ as a woman instead of for someone who wanted to be a woman.
      I would now feel shame buying men’s clothing.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #36675
      Sheryl Johnstone
      Participant

      FREE

      I certainly felt shame buying ‘women’s’ things when I was young but once I came to the realization that I am a woman, I then bought all those things for ‘me’ as a woman instead of for someone who wanted to be a woman

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #36625
      Lucy Liz Taylor
      Participant

      FREE

      no same at all now, seems to embarrass my Wife more when she is with when I see something I like,

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #36523
      Rozalyne Richards
      Participant

      FREE

      I buy a lot of my clothes from charity/thrift shops and I still feel a bit shamed about it, i have wasted money on clothes I thought would fit only to find out they are to small and would not fit, only today I was in a charity shop and liked the look of a nice dress but couldn’t find the courage to pick it up and buy it, i suppose when I call in again it will have been sold x ah well that’s life I suppose xxxxx

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      • #52752
        Jayne Bennett
        Participant

        SILVER

        I do most of my dress and shoe shopping at thrift stores, but preferably at second-hand couture places. They’re usually cheapish, modish and very fashionable. And don’t worry about the salespeople: they just want your cash! Jayne

      • #52333
        Andrea Lynch
        Participant

        FREE

        I only registered this morning, really relate to your shopping anxiety. Have loved putting on women’s clothes since I was young, feels good/scary telling anyone. Just thought I’d acknowledge your post as it’s my experience too.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #36415
      Shanda Labonte
      Participant

      I know about shame. It’s pretty much defined my life. I love shopping for women’s clothes it makes me feel womanly. I’ve wasted $ buying stuff that didn’t fit cause I guessed wrong on the size. I never looked at it as shame for not wanting to try things on as much as just protecting myself. I pick my spots and try not to attract attention. 💋

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #36355
      Amelia
      Member

      I  felt extremely nervous and excited, but no shame.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #36095
      Krysty
      Participant

      SILVER

      I was shamed as a boy for wearing girls underwear; which I still do today.

      Recently at Lane Bryant, I was holding some items I had selected (bralette, bra, dress) and looking at jeans when the sales associate asked if she could hold them; asked if they were for me and offered a dressing room. I was so surprised that I said that, no they were for my “wife” but wished that i had taken her up on the offer. All afternoon I felt an exhilarating freedom knowing that I could try on the clothes I wear at home in public. Frankly, I can’t wait to go back and try on those jeans!

      • #36918

        Lane Bryant is one of the most TG-friendly stores out there…I’ve always been treated with dignity and respect. On my first visit, I was shopping for some nice bras…the sales clerk asked if I would mind her coming into the dressing room with me, so that she could better help me finds things that would fit well and accentuate my body. I was SO grateful for her help and have enjoyed many return trips.

        Soma is another of my favorite stores – where I’ve always been treated like any other woman…

        S

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        • #36919
          Krysty
          Participant

          SILVER

          What a great experience; lucky you! I find Catherine’s to be the same although at LB they are super friendly. Enjoy shopping at the Catherine’s on Halsey,  always a nice reception; same as the store in Vancouver. 🙂

          2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #36241
        Stephanie Kennedy
        Participant

        SILVER

        Hi Kristy Just recently I spoke with the sales woman at Khols about this very subject . The trans friendly stores have trained there employees that we are customers and we should be treated as such. We maybe small in number but we purchase a lot of goods. Our spending power is huge. They do not smile at usfor buying a cute bralette. They smile at our discomfort or our reaction to their question Are these for you? I learned to say yes and added a comment.and a question back It is so pretty don’t you think? There is nothing wrong with appreciating pretty clothes and wanting to wear them. They will understand that as a woman. Lets help these sales people help us . luv Stephanie

      • #36225
        Thomas Westberry
        Participant

        FREE

        <p style=”text-align: right;”>My name is thomas and am not at all ashamed when i go and purchase female clothes and hygiene.  I ignore laughing and s stares.  I am not worried about what others  say about my purchase . I gave up on male underwear . I also wear dresses and buy maxi pads . I am not ashamed.</p>

        4 users thanked author for this post.
        • #52334
          Andrea Lynch
          Participant

          FREE

          I bought pads too, thought I was alone in that…how wonderful

          1 user thanked author for this post.
        • #36392
          Lucinda Hawkins
          Participant

          FREE

          i also buy pads at store and don’t care what they think if its for me or wife or GF. to them its money in the cash register. i also buy dresses in stores at times and nylons and bras, panties in store, but i make sure i have the right size. if asked i just say for wife, but how many employees ask if the dresses or female cloths you are buying is for you or wife?

          1 user thanked author for this post.
        • #36240
          Stephanie Kennedy
          Participant

          SILVER

          Hi Thomas, we should not feel any shame when buying products that we feel we want or need. I too use panty liners to help smooth out area that has been our biggest mistake after tucking. Hygene is the basics for all woman. Ignoring the comments of those who just want to make me feel bad. I am still working on.  Luv Stephanie

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      • #36159
        Krysty
        Participant

        SILVER

        btw; I went back to the store late yesterday and had it to myself. Easy conversations with the 3 sales associates and no shame in trying on and browsing for what I wanted. Left with three tops,  2 pairs of  jeans, 2 sports bras and control top panties. Wonderful experience!

        3 users thanked author for this post.
        • #36167
          Stephanie Kennedy
          Participant

          SILVER

          I love it sounds like you had great time and bought a few cute outfits at the same time

          We should all enjoy spending our money. Luv Stephanie

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    • #36078

      I am terrified of buying clothes/shoes/makeup by myself. But I am fortunate to have a wife who fully supports me living as a female. She helps me shop so I don’t have to do it alone and I also use Amazon for my shopping needs as well.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #36030
      Todd Maki
      Participant

      FREE

      Since the journey of self discovery began for me, I have felt no shame when shopping for women’s clothes. Any store I go to everyone is helpful and accepting. Shopping for women’s clothes feels natural to me. It’s a great feeling to walk into a store and feel like I belong there.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
      • #36036
        Stephanie Kennedy
        Participant

        SILVER

        Hi Todd That must be such a wounderful feeling. My shame was horrible.I would put my eyes down just walking by the womans dept I am just beginning to feel comfortable. I shop pretty much every week..I do the food shopping 1 day and the next day non food items Shampoo, cream rince ,moisturizer ,hygiene ,products that type of thing. I would feel uncomfortable just buying feminate hygene products. Now no problem with make up ect. It is 1 less thing you will have to overcome. For me it was huge. The next challange for me is telling my primary Dr. to get a referal for a endocrinologist. That should be alot of fun not. Luv Stephanie

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    • #35973
      Chris Cox
      Participant

      FREE

      I’m not sure if shame is the word to describe my feeling when shopping for woman’s clothes. I know at times I may feel nervous and a bit apprehensive but other times perfectly calm. I think that, perhaps its just my mood swings. I’m moody! There are times when shopping I will gather up a bunch of items and head straight to the woman’s changing room to try them on. Oh the confused looks I get when I exit the room,  but the smiles that I get at times just makes all okay. Now there are the times that if another man or young girls are in the area I will skip the shopping all together. But if in the right mood that doesn’t matter either. Gosh am I strange or what?

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      • #36168
        Marianne Tornander
        Ambassador

        AMBASSADOR - EDITOR

        I let very little stop me these days. I have absolutely no problem shopping female clothes, makeup etc for myself. When in a new store I use to ask one of the staff for the location of the dressing room out of courtsey to make known I will be trying the things on and seek out their feelings. Only once have I been denied trying things on in close to 20 years and twice, at another store, I have been directed to the men’s dressing cubicles. Many more times I have experienced marvellous support and understanding with shop attendances asking how things fit, whether I need another size or colour, and even suggesting other clothes and asking me to model them. It has made little difference if I have been presenting male or female.

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      • #36024
        Stephanie Kennedy
        Participant

        SILVER

        Hi Chris I too have a difficult time with children In the area. Especially young girls they really check you out. I guess they are doing what comes natural to them.. I am happy for you that you did feel guilty like you were doing something wrong as i did luv Stephanie

         

         

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    • #35949
      Cassandra McDaniel
      Participant

      SILVER

      I have always felt comfortable buying women’s clothes. It’s all I’ve worn for years now.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #36025
        Stephanie Kennedy
        Participant

        SILVER

        Hi Cassandra There should be no reason to feel uncomfortable buying womans clothes. Sounds like you grew up in a healthy environment. I am truly happy for you Luv Stephanie

    • #35935
      CC Webb
      Managing Ambassador

      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      I bought enough online that my first trip out shopping I was already en femme.  Thankfully this is one shame I did not encounter.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #36026
        Stephanie Kennedy
        Participant

        SILVER

        Hi Cloe. I wish they had online shopping when i was growng up it would of made things so much easier. When i was about 16 I would go to two or three stores just to put a simple outfit together. I would mix the fem clothes with boy cloths just so no one would know I was shopping for girls clothes crazy. I always ended up with so many boy cloths i did not want. Lol.  Luv Stephanie

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #35930
      Cami
      Ambassador

      MANAGING AMBASSADOR

      No, I’ve never felt any shame or felt awkward buying clothes, I simply tell myself that they don’t know who I’m buying for, I do however always shop first thing in the morning when the stores are quiet.

      Sometimes I do go clothes shopping with my ex, You’d think that would help but She usually makes me try 15 things just to be sure lol, I guess in a way I still shop like a guy…Get in..Get out no fuss lol

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #36027
        Stephanie Kennedy
        Participant

        SILVER

        Hi Cami I truly envy you

        You are so lucky you did not have to deal with shame or guilt .  Things are so much different now. My mother came from southern Ireland She grew up in a difficult time. The boys were the protectors and providers there was no room or tolerance for sissyboys. They would be loved but not relyed on to do any real man stuff. I was the oldest of 8 children. I could not let my mother down. I learned how to be a man. When i faulted she was there to let me know. She knew me but it did not matter she knew even girls could be trained to be men. Its was so simple for her. You were born a boy so you are a boy that is that. Luv Stephanie

         

         

         

         

    • #35921
      Jasmine Fletcher
      Participant

      SILVER

      I remember a few years ago buying some odds and ends in a supermarket while waiting for the makeup aisle to clear.   I then walked down the aisle and quickly grabbed the lipstick I wanted and dropped it into the basket without stopping.  Went to the self-service till and scanned my items, and yes, the bloody lipstick threw up a “unexpected item in the bagging area”.  Along came a supervisor, looked at the screen with “LIPSTICK” in large letters on it and scanned her override card.  My poor heart was going like mad…

      What was odd is that I was still married at the time and my wife often asked me to get her items while I was out, including many a feminine item, or left me holding her clothing purchases at the queue for the till while she went looking for something else and managed not to come back until after I had made the purchases for her (yes, very cunning of her.)   These purchases never made me embarrassed because they were ‘legitimate’, whereas I felt ashamed the moment I bought the same sort of items for myself.

      I am now starting to just get on with it, but there is more work to be done.  I need to have the confidence to go en femme shopping. Perhaps next week…

      I can’t even pinpoint where this shame comes from.  It seems to have crept in by osmosis throughout my life.  A drip drip drip of subtle hints of boundaries that should not be crossed.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #36028
        Stephanie Kennedy
        Participant

        SILVER

        Hi Jasmine I know that feeling I have bought so many items for the home. Simple things like milk bread and the one thing i bought just for me,eye liner pencil. It would drop or it did not have a price on it. The girl would call for a price check. Then a woman would come over from that dept. She would not know . The check out lady would say sorry it will be just a moment SIR. I hate that word SIR. All the best lol Luv Stephanie

         

      • #35923
        Annie Riggle
        Participant

        FREE

        Very first time went to walmart was looking in the womens section and found a bra I liked so was looking at the then for sizes and another woman came along looking at them also felt very strange she just smiled at me then was looking for bra extensions and had to ask two women clerks for them they just said there right over here and was asking me did I need a two hook one or three hook one told them both they were very helpful but was kind of embarrassed about it wonder if they thought it was strange? Anyway at least they have self checkouts so that was my shopping trip…was looking for clip on earrings but they didn’t even carry them or i just didn’t find them…..

        1 user thanked author for this post.
        • #35926
          Stephanie Kennedy
          Participant

          SILVER

          Hi Annie Nice clip on earrings are hard to find I know you can have pretty earings customized to a clip on. Maybe we created those boundries. Just by the simple way stores are set up. The girls section The womans section

          Luv Stephanie

           

          • #36169
            Marianne Tornander
            Ambassador

            AMBASSADOR - EDITOR

            Some stores that cater materials for hobby crafting have clips converters you can buy and exchange for the hook or pin fasteners.

             

    • #35917
      Annie Riggle
      Participant

      FREE

      My dad wanted me doing all boys stuff when I like to play with barbies and with my sisters dressing up …but always felt like a sissy boy ….I love to decorate, and draw portraits , and chatting with women about life guys just seemed boring till I got attracted to them for sex..

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #35925
        Stephanie Kennedy
        Participant

        SILVER

        Hi Annie You seemed to have a normal young girls feelings about boys and did normal young girl . What makes us feel bad about doing normal girl fun play?

        Luv Stephanie

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