Tagged: Shame feeling guilty
- August 4, 2019 at 11:20 am #35915Stephanie KennedyParticipant
My mother used shame to stop me from wearing my sisters nite gown to bed when i was 6. I always had such a difficult time falling asleep. The one thing that helped me was putting on my sister’s nite gowns . I felt a sence of peace. They were so comforting. I was told one early morning to get out of my sister’s nite gown before my father got up and seen me. I was told that only sissyboys did that. I was also made to understand that sissy boys were less than boys. I am not sure what that meant. Did it mean that i was a girl or was I inbetween being a girl and a boy. Did that make me one almost a girl. I believe that is where it all started for me. That moment I had to decide what I wanted. It was not put in any kind concearned motherly way. Did i want to be less than what was given to me? I knew even at that age I did not want to be made fun of or called a sissy boy . It would of been so nice to ask me why i liked to wear girls cloths. It would of been so simple to answer. It made me feel good and happy. I hope that todays children are asked when they are displaying unusual behavior a simple question Why? Most children would simply say i do not know. Their brain has not matured enough to give you a thoughtful answer. To stop a unnatural behavior . Shame was used.it was continually used to in small messages. Even the girls learned to use it when they got mad at you. No man ever wants to feel less than he was suppose to be. So began a life of shame for even thinking like a woman never mind dressing like a woman. With feeling shame for thinking like you shouldn’t comes anxiety. They call it gender dysphoria today. They believe it is so serious they willing to recommend HRT and surgery just to help with that anxiety. How do we deal with the shame we have been forced to feel. That has become a side effect. A side effect that stays with you your whole life. I cannot thing of using shame on any one or even a dog who spoils your carpet. Let us try to educate the new potential parents of our future children. Please ask the queston Why? It may surpise you. Instead of saying I donot know . They will say very simply i am a girl thats why i like wearing girs clothes. What is wrong with that? Shame is a horrible way of curbing what is believed to be bad behavior. Luv Stephanie
Total of 24 users thanked author for this post. Here are last 20 listed.
- September 8, 2020 at 12:07 pm #88628Joan MichaelsParticipantFREE
I can go into a shop and by a skirt or dress, try it on, no guilt nor shame. The sales ladies call me when a new skirt or dress arrives and lets me know to come in to try and maybe buy.
- September 1, 2020 at 5:13 pm #88363Josie JParticipantFREE
I would say I felt abject terror initially–so much so that I first bought clothes online and had them sent to a PO Box so that I could hide them from my grandparents I lived with at the time (very conservative); things became better when I moved out, but since I was engaged to my now wife buying clothes became a very furtive and covert operation initially. I would go to an all-night WalMart when my wife was asleep and initially I would only buy underwear in the self-check out line. Eventually when I came out to my wife as far as dressing I gathered the courage to buy shoes–some “bew-jeweled” flip-flops at WalMart during the daytime, but again of course used self-check out (my mind doing the gymnastics that people would think they were for a wife or someone else or something). When I finally told my wife I was definitely transgender we went and bought clothes together and I still felt secretive, but felt a great deal less shame–but my wife was the one who was embarrassed. Due to my wife’s concerns and other reasons I went back in the closet for a year, and recently am fully out again–buying clothes now is still a little awkward (I feel like I don’t “belong” and with Covid-19 I was doing a lot of guessing–and lots of returning), but when I went with my wife up to West Hollywood I felt a lot more natural given the wide-spread acceptance there. I also met a member of our community at a department store who helped me for hours as far as purchasing makeup and learning how to put it on–and later on who helped me buy proper shoes (small heel; good idea to start with less, he knew his stuff :).
I suppose if you have an area near you which is more accepting (or if you find staff in our greater LGBT community who can really be there with you as you shop) it can be helpful to shop for clothes there even if you have to drive since you may feel a bit less shame–also if you find someone in our community that can help this can really make it easier also.
- August 28, 2020 at 4:09 pm #88233
- July 26, 2020 at 10:47 am #87074Tia4751ParticipantSILVER
Well I was raised in shame by my mother but my Busha / grandmother would allow me to dress and actually kept a pair of shoes with old nylons stuffed in the toe for me in the back corner of her closet.
<b> I was born Intersex so things were a bit different but I will say for every hour my Busha allowed me to dress, my mother would rip all the happiness away with one simple insult. She did it in front of my brothers for insulting effect, then watched my older brothers tear me apart verbally and physically. When enough was enough I simply ran to Busha whom lived with us many times. She moved out and / or got kicked out by my mother many times for sticking up for me. I was tortured the so now I live as Tia without excuse nor explanation.</b>
Lemons / Lemonade IDK I will say it changed me for a better future
- October 13, 2019 at 7:03 am #52735Isabella VerburgParticipantFREE
Unfortunately I was shamed and even threatened by those who were supposed to love me most. My father was MORTIFIED when I got beat up by some neighborhood girls for wanting to play dolls. The girls in question said boys couldn’t play with dolls. When I told them I wasn’t a boy. I was tackled and my face was colored on. I was told with permanent marker. Being young I thought I was going to have to go through life “scarred by scribbling”. I went home in tears to a father who was outraged that I thought I was a girl, that I wanted to play with dolls, and got “beat up” by a couple of them. He put me over a whipping stool, I was told I was a boy, and if I cared to argue it, he’d beat it out of me. To death if necessary. No child of his would grow up a sissy he said. Furthermore, I was banned from any girl games, clothes, or fun. So I grew up afraid I’d be beaten to death for feeling female all my life. It lasted until I was in my 30’s. I was too afraid and ashamed to tell friends afraid they would share my father and mothers opinion (she backed him and not me). Eventually, I was discovered by someone who didn’t shame me for it. I began to get braver and eventually angry about treatment I was forced to endure. Today I am not ashamed of who I am, and instead I wonder how the people who treated me like that aren’t instead ashamed of themselves.
- October 1, 2019 at 11:46 am #52529
I never feel shame: I’m trans and proud and I say it out loud. And I never feel ashamed when I go trawling for women’s clothes or wigs (and if you do feel nervous, go online). The law is on your side in most countries and, anyway, they need the dough so they’re not going to turn you away I always – not shamefacedly – use the Ladies’ loo and the dressing rooms and sometimes even invite my girlfriend in to have a look. Go to Maccas or KFC or the movies or the ballet or the library, and wear whatever suits and you can afford – skyscraper heels, corset, lace panties, a pink wig (lol). I do 99% pass, so it’s easier for me but you should get out there with a cheeky grin on your face and live!’
- October 1, 2019 at 6:38 am #52522https://transgenderheaven.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/woman-b14-2.jpgAnonymousInactive
I wouldn’t go so far as to call it shame. In my teens/early 20s I would feel very nervous mostly…maybe a tinge of embarrassment if someone seemed to be paying attention to me going to the changing cubicles.
Now (thankfully) I’m not embarrassed to be me.
- October 1, 2019 at 9:06 am #52528
That’s great Stacey! I’m happy to hear that nobody shamed you while you were growing up. Every person has there right to be who they are, to present themselves as they feel with judgement, guilt or shame. Never do I allow those negative feelings to play a part in my life any more.
- September 30, 2019 at 1:09 pm #52510
I never feel shame: I’m trans and proud and I say it out loud. And I never feel ashamed when I go trawling for women’s clothes. After all, the law is on your side in most countries and, anyway, they need the dough so they’re not going to turn you away I always – shamefacedly – use the Ladies’ loo and the dressing rooms and sometimes even invite my girlfriend in to have a look. I do pass, so it’s easier for me but you should get out there with a cheeky grin on your face and live!’
- September 30, 2019 at 1:38 pm #52511
You were very fortunate that no one shamed you growing up!! Today, I feel NO shame and am very proud to be trans and on HRT awaiting my surgery. But shame screwed up my head as a kid and I agree, there needs to be more education so the public better understands who we are. But until America rids ourselves of the present President, I don’t think it will happen!!
- September 20, 2019 at 7:56 am #52372
My family did use both shame and guilt on me as a kid to try to stop me from wearing womans clothing. Most of them are gone now but I have an older sister who still does it and my 84 y/o mom no longer speaks to me because I’m trans. I have never felt shame buying womans clothing, if fact, I love shopping!!!
- September 18, 2019 at 2:21 pm #52354Sarah HarrisonParticipant
I think the results are very interesting to this question. Despite half of the people (including myself) saying yes to shame, we are still moving forward with our lives. I will not let shame stop me from doing what I truly want in life. A big part of this is because I feel this “shame” only exists because society as a whole says men who buy womens clothing should feel shame because that act within itself is immoral. I can’t believe in 2019 that people still think in such antiquated ways but unfortunately they do. Us buying womens clothing/presenting as female poses no harm or threat to society yet there are those out there who want to ridicule us and make us feel guilty as if we have committed some type of crime. It was fear and shame that kept me from buying womens clothing,makeup,accessories,shoes,etc. for a long time. One day I was at my breaking point and said “the hell with it” and went shopping in public for my true self for the first time ever. Now I have a wardrobe along with other womens items built up. I can have a different outfit for each day of the week. Recently I purchased a wig(which I love!)for the first time,really helping me see my true self. In the beginning shame and fear kept me from obtaining these items,but now I’m glad to have them and they are my most cherished possessions. My last and current hurdle will be coming out to family and friends. Right now fear and shame seem to be present. I know to move forward with my life I will have to say “the hell with it” one last time.
- September 8, 2019 at 5:30 pm #36676Sheryl JohnstoneAmbassadorAMBASSADOR
I certainly felt shame buying ‘women’s’ things when I was young but once I came to the realization that I am a woman, I then bought all those things for ‘me’ as a woman instead of for someone who wanted to be a woman.
I would now feel shame buying men’s clothing.
- September 8, 2019 at 5:27 pm #36675Sheryl JohnstoneAmbassadorAMBASSADOR
I certainly felt shame buying ‘women’s’ things when I was young but once I came to the realization that I am a woman, I then bought all those things for ‘me’ as a woman instead of for someone who wanted to be a woman
- September 4, 2019 at 4:21 pm #36625
- August 28, 2019 at 11:26 am #36523Rozalyne RichardsParticipantFREE
I buy a lot of my clothes from charity/thrift shops and I still feel a bit shamed about it, i have wasted money on clothes I thought would fit only to find out they are to small and would not fit, only today I was in a charity shop and liked the look of a nice dress but couldn’t find the courage to pick it up and buy it, i suppose when I call in again it will have been sold x ah well that’s life I suppose xxxxx
- October 13, 2019 at 10:02 pm #52752
I do most of my dress and shoe shopping at thrift stores, but preferably at second-hand couture places. They’re usually cheapish, modish and very fashionable. And don’t worry about the salespeople: they just want your cash! Jayne
- September 16, 2019 at 6:01 pm #52333Andrea LynchParticipantFREE
I only registered this morning, really relate to your shopping anxiety. Have loved putting on women’s clothes since I was young, feels good/scary telling anyone. Just thought I’d acknowledge your post as it’s my experience too.
- August 24, 2019 at 10:52 pm #36415Shanda LabonteParticipant
I know about shame. It’s pretty much defined my life. I love shopping for women’s clothes it makes me feel womanly. I’ve wasted $ buying stuff that didn’t fit cause I guessed wrong on the size. I never looked at it as shame for not wanting to try things on as much as just protecting myself. I pick my spots and try not to attract attention. 💋
- August 20, 2019 at 6:02 pm #36355
- August 13, 2019 at 7:05 am #36095
I was shamed as a boy for wearing girls underwear; which I still do today.
Recently at Lane Bryant, I was holding some items I had selected (bralette, bra, dress) and looking at jeans when the sales associate asked if she could hold them; asked if they were for me and offered a dressing room. I was so surprised that I said that, no they were for my “wife” but wished that i had taken her up on the offer. All afternoon I felt an exhilarating freedom knowing that I could try on the clothes I wear at home in public. Frankly, I can’t wait to go back and try on those jeans!
- September 12, 2019 at 4:28 pm #36918Shawna MackenzieMember
Lane Bryant is one of the most TG-friendly stores out there…I’ve always been treated with dignity and respect. On my first visit, I was shopping for some nice bras…the sales clerk asked if I would mind her coming into the dressing room with me, so that she could better help me finds things that would fit well and accentuate my body. I was SO grateful for her help and have enjoyed many return trips.
Soma is another of my favorite stores – where I’ve always been treated like any other woman…
- September 12, 2019 at 4:42 pm #36919
- August 17, 2019 at 2:26 am #36241
Hi Kristy Just recently I spoke with the sales woman at Khols about this very subject . The trans friendly stores have trained there employees that we are customers and we should be treated as such. We maybe small in number but we purchase a lot of goods. Our spending power is huge. They do not smile at usfor buying a cute bralette. They smile at our discomfort or our reaction to their question Are these for you? I learned to say yes and added a comment.and a question back It is so pretty don’t you think? There is nothing wrong with appreciating pretty clothes and wanting to wear them. They will understand that as a woman. Lets help these sales people help us . luv Stephanie
- August 16, 2019 at 10:41 am #36225Thomas WestberryParticipantFREE
<p style=”text-align: right;”>My name is thomas and am not at all ashamed when i go and purchase female clothes and hygiene. I ignore laughing and s stares. I am not worried about what others say about my purchase . I gave up on male underwear . I also wear dresses and buy maxi pads . I am not ashamed.</p>
- September 16, 2019 at 6:04 pm #52334
- August 23, 2019 at 4:10 pm #36392Lucinda HawkinsParticipantFREE
i also buy pads at store and don’t care what they think if its for me or wife or GF. to them its money in the cash register. i also buy dresses in stores at times and nylons and bras, panties in store, but i make sure i have the right size. if asked i just say for wife, but how many employees ask if the dresses or female cloths you are buying is for you or wife?
- August 17, 2019 at 1:55 am #36240
Hi Thomas, we should not feel any shame when buying products that we feel we want or need. I too use panty liners to help smooth out area that has been our biggest mistake after tucking. Hygene is the basics for all woman. Ignoring the comments of those who just want to make me feel bad. I am still working on. Luv Stephanie
- August 15, 2019 at 6:30 am #36159
btw; I went back to the store late yesterday and had it to myself. Easy conversations with the 3 sales associates and no shame in trying on and browsing for what I wanted. Left with three tops, 2 pairs of jeans, 2 sports bras and control top panties. Wonderful experience!
- August 15, 2019 at 9:20 am #36167
- August 12, 2019 at 11:07 pm #36078Tracy LillyMember
- August 11, 2019 at 10:37 am #36030Todd MakiParticipantFREE
Since the journey of self discovery began for me, I have felt no shame when shopping for women’s clothes. Any store I go to everyone is helpful and accepting. Shopping for women’s clothes feels natural to me. It’s a great feeling to walk into a store and feel like I belong there.
- August 11, 2019 at 12:47 pm #36036
Hi Todd That must be such a wounderful feeling. My shame was horrible.I would put my eyes down just walking by the womans dept I am just beginning to feel comfortable. I shop pretty much every week..I do the food shopping 1 day and the next day non food items Shampoo, cream rince ,moisturizer ,hygiene ,products that type of thing. I would feel uncomfortable just buying feminate hygene products. Now no problem with make up ect. It is 1 less thing you will have to overcome. For me it was huge. The next challange for me is telling my primary Dr. to get a referal for a endocrinologist. That should be alot of fun not. Luv Stephanie
- August 8, 2019 at 9:14 am #35973Chris CoxParticipantFREE
I’m not sure if shame is the word to describe my feeling when shopping for woman’s clothes. I know at times I may feel nervous and a bit apprehensive but other times perfectly calm. I think that, perhaps its just my mood swings. I’m moody! There are times when shopping I will gather up a bunch of items and head straight to the woman’s changing room to try them on. Oh the confused looks I get when I exit the room, but the smiles that I get at times just makes all okay. Now there are the times that if another man or young girls are in the area I will skip the shopping all together. But if in the right mood that doesn’t matter either. Gosh am I strange or what?
- August 15, 2019 at 10:20 am #36168Marianne TornanderAmbassadorAMBASSADOR
I let very little stop me these days. I have absolutely no problem shopping female clothes, makeup etc for myself. When in a new store I use to ask one of the staff for the location of the dressing room out of courtsey to make known I will be trying the things on and seek out their feelings. Only once have I been denied trying things on in close to 20 years and twice, at another store, I have been directed to the men’s dressing cubicles. Many more times I have experienced marvellous support and understanding with shop attendances asking how things fit, whether I need another size or colour, and even suggesting other clothes and asking me to model them. It has made little difference if I have been presenting male or female.
- August 11, 2019 at 5:36 am #36024
Hi Chris I too have a difficult time with children In the area. Especially young girls they really check you out. I guess they are doing what comes natural to them.. I am happy for you that you did feel guilty like you were doing something wrong as i did luv Stephanie
- August 7, 2019 at 3:57 am #35949Cassandra McDanielParticipantSILVER
- August 11, 2019 at 5:47 am #36025
Hi Cassandra There should be no reason to feel uncomfortable buying womans clothes. Sounds like you grew up in a healthy environment. I am truly happy for you Luv Stephanie
- August 5, 2019 at 7:03 pm #35935CC WebbManaging AmbassadorMANAGING AMBASSADOR
- August 11, 2019 at 5:59 am #36026
Hi Cloe. I wish they had online shopping when i was growng up it would of made things so much easier. When i was about 16 I would go to two or three stores just to put a simple outfit together. I would mix the fem clothes with boy cloths just so no one would know I was shopping for girls clothes crazy. I always ended up with so many boy cloths i did not want. Lol. Luv Stephanie
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- August 4, 2019 at 2:13 pm #35921Jasmine FletcherParticipantSILVER
I remember a few years ago buying some odds and ends in a supermarket while waiting for the makeup aisle to clear. I then walked down the aisle and quickly grabbed the lipstick I wanted and dropped it into the basket without stopping. Went to the self-service till and scanned my items, and yes, the bloody lipstick threw up a “unexpected item in the bagging area”. Along came a supervisor, looked at the screen with “LIPSTICK” in large letters on it and scanned her override card. My poor heart was going like mad…
What was odd is that I was still married at the time and my wife often asked me to get her items while I was out, including many a feminine item, or left me holding her clothing purchases at the queue for the till while she went looking for something else and managed not to come back until after I had made the purchases for her (yes, very cunning of her.) These purchases never made me embarrassed because they were ‘legitimate’, whereas I felt ashamed the moment I bought the same sort of items for myself.
I am now starting to just get on with it, but there is more work to be done. I need to have the confidence to go en femme shopping. Perhaps next week…
I can’t even pinpoint where this shame comes from. It seems to have crept in by osmosis throughout my life. A drip drip drip of subtle hints of boundaries that should not be crossed.
- August 11, 2019 at 6:35 am #36028
Hi Jasmine I know that feeling I have bought so many items for the home. Simple things like milk bread and the one thing i bought just for me,eye liner pencil. It would drop or it did not have a price on it. The girl would call for a price check. Then a woman would come over from that dept. She would not know . The check out lady would say sorry it will be just a moment SIR. I hate that word SIR. All the best lol Luv Stephanie
- August 4, 2019 at 4:16 pm #35923Annie RiggleParticipantFREE
Very first time went to walmart was looking in the womens section and found a bra I liked so was looking at the then for sizes and another woman came along looking at them also felt very strange she just smiled at me then was looking for bra extensions and had to ask two women clerks for them they just said there right over here and was asking me did I need a two hook one or three hook one told them both they were very helpful but was kind of embarrassed about it wonder if they thought it was strange? Anyway at least they have self checkouts so that was my shopping trip…was looking for clip on earrings but they didn’t even carry them or i just didn’t find them…..
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- August 4, 2019 at 5:58 pm #35926
Hi Annie Nice clip on earrings are hard to find I know you can have pretty earings customized to a clip on. Maybe we created those boundries. Just by the simple way stores are set up. The girls section The womans section
- August 4, 2019 at 12:32 pm #35917Annie RiggleParticipantFREE
My dad wanted me doing all boys stuff when I like to play with barbies and with my sisters dressing up …but always felt like a sissy boy ….I love to decorate, and draw portraits , and chatting with women about life guys just seemed boring till I got attracted to them for sex..
- August 4, 2019 at 5:32 pm #35925
Hi Annie You seemed to have a normal young girls feelings about boys and did normal young girl . What makes us feel bad about doing normal girl fun play?
- August 11, 2019 at 6:20 am #36027
Hi Cami I truly envy you
You are so lucky you did not have to deal with shame or guilt . Things are so much different now. My mother came from southern Ireland She grew up in a difficult time. The boys were the protectors and providers there was no room or tolerance for sissyboys. They would be loved but not relyed on to do any real man stuff. I was the oldest of 8 children. I could not let my mother down. I learned how to be a man. When i faulted she was there to let me know. She knew me but it did not matter she knew even girls could be trained to be men. Its was so simple for her. You were born a boy so you are a boy that is that. Luv Stephanie
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