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I have been considering. Coming out as transgender might be the biggest shock to a spouse. Although awareness of trans people is growing, I think that most partners would be surprised at the revelation. So many people take their gender and biological sex matching as a given. Personally I think it is silly. I mean it’s more likely that people would not be okay with whatever random organs they got in the womb. A friend of mine pointed out that many cisgender people get plastic surgery to alleviate their body dysmorphia.
Unfortunately your partner may have never even considered that you might not be the gender you have been presenting as. If your partner is shocked they might question the entire relationship. They might feel betrayed. If you have had intercourse, or even had kids they will probably be even more shocked.
However, if you have gender dysphoria you know how scary it is to live in a society that still requires you to live as the gender you were assigned at birth. I don’t think we always know that we can identify as another gender, or that we have gender dysphoria. I’ll bet that that is still one of the last things that you would be downloaded with.
If you know you are suffering from gender dysphoria know that you are strong. Your partner may or may not be as strong as you. So if and when you choose to tell them, or if they learn another way, remember they have their own version of the story of your relationship in their mind.
You will be demanding they annotate, edit, or rewrite that story when you tell them you are a different gender. That adjustment takes either a lot of education on the subject or a lot of neuroplasticity.
So the reason I posted this is for anyone preparing to tell their partner that they are a different gender to be compassionate and patient (so long as to are in a safe place). This post is also for anyone that has a lot of fear, anger, or resentment toward their partner after coming out. You probably are unloading a lot of PTSD onto your partner.
Here’s how I do this:
I feel where the trauma is vibrating in my body. I thank my body for taking on that burden and allow the vibration to run it’s current coarse. I did not take action on the feeling. The feeling doesn’t always go stay but this does allow me to take responsibility for my own actions.
For responses to this, I recommend you include your strategem for showing compassion for yourself or others. I’m sure that this will help someone in need of a little “cispective”. I couldn’t resist the pun. I will pretend that I have just coined the term.
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Good afternoon. Telling your partner is very scary. I wear women’s clothes all the time and my wife knows this, but still I can’t tell her that I have an appointment with a psychologist. and that I am a woman inside. but the biggest fear for my daughter is that if we broke up, I won’t be able to be with her all the time.
a lot of fears. but I understand that not to say this is also not correct and not fair.
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Many years ago, it occurred to me that if I can explain my thoughts and feelings well enough that someone else can understand them, I’ve gone a long ways towards the crystallization of what I’m thinking. It may not be a complete understanding at that point, but it is at least akin to “asking the right questions”.
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Nicki, I confess I was not married when I began my transition, but I suspect your words will be supportive of others in similar circumstances. Telling our stories is always a supportive gesture and one you may never know touched someone. Hugs, Michelle
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