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Well, sooner than I had thought, my wife has decided she needs her own space to figure out what she wants going forward. I can’t be too upset because I made steps several months ago to figure out what I want – to socially and chemically transition.
At first, I was philosophical and felt it would be better for us both to have some space. We went to separate bedrooms in January, and things between us improved a little for a while, but the last 2 months we got worse with communicating.
I found my new place tonight – we both need to relocate since we can’t afford the place we have and a new place too. I guess it finally hit me this is the beginning of the end, so I feel resigned and sad, not encouraged or hopeful. I hoped we would stay together until I was further along in my transition, so she could see if we would be good together then.
Now, we may never know. It isn’t all one or the other’s fault, but I’ve always internalized and “owned” the major problems so I’m feeling pretty guilty right now. I wanted to show her the better parts of me, but I guess that didn’t happen. We’re not divorcing and we do love each other, but we will be about 20 miles apart for a year at least.
Thanks for listening to my angst. Brielle will have a day tomorrow, then I’ll be offline a lot starting Saturday when I leave for Dublin and Edinburgh with my daughter. She’s treating me to a delayed milestone birthday trip. I’ll come back on the 29th while she stays over and joins her wife for a side trip down to England.
She is one special person – she offered for me to travel as, or have a day as Brielle but I’m not ready for international travel en femme yet. Still, it was a nice gesture, and I love how affirming she’s been.
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