Stopping transition to save family

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    • #135719
      Anonymous

      What a horrible day this has been.  Quick recap of me 27 years with wife have 3 teens.  Came out to wife 5 or 6 years ago now and started Full HRT January 1,2023.  After months of arguments with my wife and todays about divorce I need to stop my transition to save my marriage and family.  My wife can’t handle me looking more feminine everyday.  I have grown my hair and had beautiful highlights put in a couple of weeks ago.  My skin is now soft and smooth.  I completed all of my laser hair removal sessions.  I started a new wardrobe and bought really pretty makeup.

      My wife and children are everything.  I have put them always ahead of me and my happiness.  I thought I could be me in my 45th year in this world.  Guess not.

      This transition has been to hard on my wife which started with me coming out to her and attending therapy.  My wife says she can’t be married to a trans woman.  Today a lot of nasty words were spoken by both of us.  We told the kids we were divorcing today. But did not say why.  My children were devastated and a lot more arguing and crying.  After a few hours I spoke with my wife and said I will stop everything and go back to male mode.  No more hair and painted nails, no more nighties, or makeup or clothing. No more estrogen and AA blockers.  I have thrown it all out now.

      My wife and I spoke again with the children and told them that we are going to stay together and work on the relationship.  I am worried that my female side will come back as it always has. Because that’s me and who I am.
      I can’t go through this life without my wife and family. They are my entire existence.  I live for them not me.

      hugs to all.

    • #135726

      Hi,

      I’m 62, retired and in my second marriage of 24 years. My first wife passed away when I was 35, leaving me to raise our 2 sons, ages 8 and 12 at the time, alone. I was out to my first wife before we were engaged and we agreed I would be closeted, only dressing in the bedroom and eventually on trips away from home. After her death I decided my most important tasks was to raise our sons to adulthood and I disconnected my connections with other transfolks at the time (1995) through Tapestry magazine and AOL. I think I was really considering transitioning at the time but had no funds or a way to do so. Staying connected and considering what my life could be was too hard to consider so I isolated myself. Along the way I met my second wife and gained a stepdaughter. I came out to my second wife on our 3 date and we took some 2 years or so to decide to get married. Again I was closeted to the bedroom and trips as Christie were non-existent since it was emotionally difficult for me. After the kids were grown, finished college and started careers I decided to go on trips as Christie and connect with transgender folks again. That was 2009. We came out to our adult children in 2015 and they are accepting of me. In 2017 I started electrolysis and told my wife I would like to live full time as Christie in retirement. She said if I go full time we would have to get divorced. She didn’t want to be married to a woman and didn’t want to feel like she would have to defend me in public. In 2018 I started HRT. In the spring of 2019 I retired. In June of 2022 I went full time. In a change of her position, she said she was okay with me being Christie in public in our hometown but that she would not go out in public with me. I saw it as a compromise on her part and said I would be in male mode for date nights once a week. I also said in the fall I would be Christie full time when I wintered with my son and our new grandson. We’re still married but this will be coming to head when I return home in April. What she understood about being transgender when I first came out to her has been an issue in our relationship as is my understanding of myself and how far I was willing to go to transition. Our future together is uncertain. She just started counseling to help her work through the issue. I’ve been in counseling for years and continue to do so. We do love each other and have both said we’ll always be friends. I’ve tried to logically prepare myself for the probable divorce or separation but I feel I really can’t emotionally prepare myself since I really feel I won’t know how I’ll take that until it happens. I’m sharing all this since it sounds like you may find yourself on a similar path. So far, I feel my family continues to be a part of my life and it is sweet to openly be myself with them. In some form, I feel my wife will always be in my life. It also may become to hard for one or both of us to see each other if we split up since there may be too many emotions involved. My way to frame it is to have faith in our relationship and do my best to communicate with her. I hope this helps.

      Hugs!

      Christie

      • #135730
        Anonymous

        Christie,

        Thank you for sharing your journey experience and the struggles you also face.  This has truly been hard.  In my past being closeted has also been hard because I see my wife and daughters doing their hair make up nails and going out on shopping dates.  When I truly want to join them.  This leads to my anxiety and anger because I can’t be openly female.  As this is how I have always felt.

        I love my wife and children and their happiness trumps mine.

        I am hopeful that by staying engaged with the trans community I will be able to one day return to my journey as you did.

        Your experience has helped me.

        Hugs

        Jayde

         

    • #135727
      DeeAnn Hopings
      AMBASSADOR

      Jayde:

      Human life has consequences and they can be positive or negative. We can only do the best that we can at any give point in time. Tomorrow, next month or next decade, we may make better decisions but we could also make worse ones. That is just how it is.

      Imagine an equation with MANY variables. Such variables would represent our personal histories regarding where we are from, other places where we have lived, family histories, education, married life (or not), work histories and on and on. All of these variables can play out differently from one person to the next. The result is that no trans person’s journey will be exactly like another’s. We must all solve our own equation for ourselves and our particular situation.

      That said, I’m sorry that your situation has turned out like it has. However, you are not the first and you won’t be the last. On a positive note, you seem to have clarity about your current circumstances and decision. Clearly this decision was not easy for you, but sometimes our decisions reflect more of what we Must do rather than what we Want to do.

      I read something recently that said one of the most powerful and significant things that we can do as humans is to be in service to someone else. Going forward, I wish you and your family all the best!

      On another note, the concept of detransitioning is a hot topic among anti-trans folks. Numbers are often presented without any specificity, but the reality is that people may choose to not continue on their journey for reasons that are not directly related to their gender identity. In this case, your decision is based on family concerns. Others may be forced to discontinue their progress due to financial reasons, medical complications, employment issues, hostility in the area where they live and a number of other reasons. Further, when conditions change, many continue on their journey. The moral to this story is to pay attention to what one reads as some significant spin my be involved in an attempt to lead one to a specific thought process. You could call that a Sin of Omission.

      Be Well!

      • #135728
        Anonymous

        DeeAnn,

        Thank you for your reply.  I will be staying connected here and with the LGBT2 community in Toronto.  My femme side is me but I will go back to being closeted and keeping it away from my wife and children.  I am truly disappointed that I have now stopped HRT and will be cutting off my hair to appear more masculine.  Maybe down the road situations and life changes I will be able to restart my journey to be able to live my authentic self.  That will be a day to celebrate.  For now I am to serve others before self.

        • #135729
          DeeAnn Hopings
          AMBASSADOR

          One of the most powerful weapons that we have is conscious thought. That comes into play with a thoughtful evaluation of what our circumstances are, what our choices are and our needs in conjunction with those around us. There should be a slowing down of our thinking and try to minimize knee-jerk and impulsive actions. When our decision is to go on a path that isn’t the one that we really want, but that we chose for other considerations, that clear and conscious thought process can help us to live with the decisions that we have made. Hopefully by doing that, we give ourselves the best chances for success.

          Rest assured that others have faced this sort of dilemma and ultimately made the same choice that you did. You are not alone.

        • #138834
          DeeAnn Hopings
          AMBASSADOR

          Something to think about. Are you working with a therapist? Many here have found this very helpful, but your situation is a bit different. You have made a very particular choice and it is a positive thing that you have made your decision and are following through with it. However, sometimes when we sacrifice ourselves for others, it may lead to a feeling of resentment and that would not be good.

    • #135732

      Jayde, my heart goes out to you. Your situation is so difficult and you both seem to have it together and are being honest to each other and open in your feelings.  I understand your concerns regarding the urge returning. I understand her position she married a man, not a woman.  I understand you must feel why do you have to make the sacrifices and accept you cannot be who you really are. Why can’t see accept that?  You seem to be willing to give it all up to protect the union. Maybe with many discussions, you can come to some middle ground whereby you can maybe leave town for a specified amount of time and release you if possible for example. You both deserve to have happiness. Keep the discussions centred around happiness; how can each of you make some sacrifices and still find a level of happiness that will be acceptable to you both. I wish you both success.

      hugs, Jill

    • #136010
      Miriya Paris
      SILVER

      Jayde… I know, I know. (Hug)  I would send virtual tissues if I could. I know as I have/am there.  I did the same about 12 years ago for the sake of family and kids, many of us have, you are not alone.  It wont be easy, it will be touch and go, and your nature will rear it’s head back from time to time as it is you.  And your SO will get pissed, angry, upset, sad, etc. more then you can imagine. You will as well. Expect many tears. And It wont be easy, relationships/marriage never are. Love is a powerful thing and will make us do crazy things in it’s name. And It is an amazing thing that you love your family so much you are willing to sacrifice yourself for them. Hang in there, and remember your SO is in just as much pain as you, she is also making just as much sacrifice as you are.

      https://photos.app.goo.gl/Yww828t2nSh3xFwt7

       

    • #136016
      Dawn J
      AMBASSADOR

      Join the club, Jayde.

      I’m trans, but have not begun any kind of transition. At this point, I’m thinking that I won’t. My wife’s position (although it seems to fluctuate, greatly) is begrudging acceptance of my “condition”. There have been times that we’ve gone out together, as girlfriends– shopping, having lunch, getting mani-pedis, etc. She’s bought me things (for example, dresses, earrings, make-up, perfume). She even admits that I’m a better person when I’m me, rather than him. She has told me that she thinks the anxiety & depression, that I once had, was because I was suppressing the woman that I am. She sees how happy I am when I can be the real me and worries that, if I stop, I’ll begin to resent her. So she has offered to “get out of the way” & let me pursue my happiness “because I love you so much”. But she is my happiness.

      I’ve suggested that we could stay together. I’d still be the same person she married. “But,” she says, “you won’t still be the same MAN I married. I’m not a lesbian. I married a man. I don’t want to be married to a woman.”

      I’ve always had a lot of integrity & been a person of my word. I don’t make promises that I can’t keep. I meant it when I made those vows to her. I can’t do this to her & I can’t live without her, so it looks like I will be denying my truth for her sake & the sake of my marriage. As I’ve said, before, I’d rather be a frustrated man than a lonely woman. I just hope that she’ll continue to be OK with my crossdressing (although her level of resistance, to that, seems to have increased), and I just hope that will be enough for me.

      I will also maintain my connection with TGH, but worry that I’ll be torturing myself when I hear how the other girls are transitioning & finding themselves when I know I can’t.

      Best of luck, Jayde. I feel ya, girl.

      Dawn

      • This reply was modified 1 year ago by Dawn J.
    • #138837
      missyjo
      FREE

      darling

      I am sorry for you

      the sad question I ponder, is once this topic has been breached can it be put back in the box n forgotten  or not?

      it’s not simply academic dear  others tell me to put missy in à closet n act like a man again..would it matter? wouldn’t I always be seen as trans…hiding my true self? would anyone ever forget I’m missy ?

      how long could I hide missy before she needed out..for what..to be told to hide her again..n act like a man. . ?

      I wish you the best darling, whatever path you take

      I hope it brings you joy n peace

      hugs

      missy jo

      • #138839
        DeeAnn Hopings
        AMBASSADOR

        Unfortunately, the tendency is that when we suppress our real feelings, they seem to come back stronger than ever. It’s like the Universe is telling us something…

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