Struggling with loneliness

[Vair Fountain]

Hello… My name is Vair, and I struggle to define myself. It’s been a lifelong struggle. I have been diagnosed with a myriad of personality disorders, but I have been stumbling around gender dysphoria for years. In the past two years, I have become comfortable identifying as transmasculine, and I’m “out” to the public. Coming out ended my six-year domestic partnership and alienated me from most of my family, including my father.

I was in therapy before the pandemic began, but now I can’t work consistently enough to afford to continue my therapy. My therapist and I agree that while hormone treatment is a potential goal for me, I’m not in a healthy mental place to start it yet. The longer I go without therapy, the more mixed up and forlorn I feel.

I joined this site because I feel very lonely. I just listened to an episode of a podcast about the science of sex, and it was simultaneously helpful to hear about healthy practices, and alienating to feel excluded from such a binary conversation. I haven’t been intimate with anyone since I began my transition. Only a few days ago, I went on a date for the first time in two years, with another transgender person, and if anything, it only made me feel worse. I hate even feeling attracted to anyone, because the process my brain goes through always leads me back to the depressing conclusion that no one sees me the way I see myself, and therefore no one can be attracted to the real me.

I don’t even miss sex, really. I miss feeling comfortable enough with someone to feel intimate. Kissing, cuddling, just being touched (non-sexually) by someone who wants to touch me. I miss feeling like a person, now that most people treat me like an alien they don’t know what to do with, or like some new kink to explore.

I guess I just hope to find some friends here who can remind me that I’m not alone, I’m not an alien, and I’m not unlovable. Maybe if someone can still say that after they get to know me, I can believe it. Because it doesn’t help when it comes from motivational posters or strangers who don’t know how hard it is to feel seen, let alone loved.

[Gräfin Aija Pince]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Vair!</p>
I hear your pain. Here in East Europe it is late so can’t write tons, but I hear your pain.

You are not alone at all! I know it is not especially about sex, but emotions are somehow more important.

In chat I wanted to draw you into the conversation, but maybe you were busy writing the message at the time, so no worries.

I’m in Rīga, Latvia so a long way away? Well, in miles, but not in spirit. Even I need a sister’s shoulder to cry on sometimes, so be brave and in TGH there are some kind and decent folks that do give support.

Welcome to the group and don’t be down or shy! We all need each other!

Aija xxxxx

[Vair Fountain]

It’s so nice of you to reach out. Thank you for your kind welcome. ❤️ I’m not normally shy, but that does change quite a bit when I’m depressed… Your greetings have made me smile today.

Latvia is a long way away, but I can always offer an ear or a shoulder if you need one. I hope to become a warm addition to the community here. 🙂

[Melanie Penson]

Hi Vair

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, though my transition is in the other direction. We are all people in the end, human beings with thoughts and feelings.

I have known for most of my life that I didn’t fit in being male, yet I wasn’t “girly enough” for the girls either so I am painfilly aware of loneliness, not having anyone to relate to. I thought I was the only one who felt this way, trying and failing to understand this world. I certainly couldn’t talk to my parents; it was a strictly binary world where I grew up. My mother had had a terrible childhood and still is not good at expressing love and affection. I felt totally and completely alone growing up. I remember sitting in my mother’s chair just after she’d left for work, holding her still warm coffee cup in both hands and wondering if this was the only warmth I’d ever receive from her. I would usually be in floods of tears. I would wear her clothes too, loving the feel of tights and silky slips and it felt so right to wear skirts and blouses or dresses too.

I had been forced to supress who I really am for over 40 years, just so that others can feel comfortable being around me and so that I conform to my parents’ and society’s expectations of my birth gender. I do believe this dysphoria has been behind most of my anxiety and depression, and most suicide attempts too ( some have been work-induced).

In Feb 2017, I had a third massive breakdown in as many years and, whilst recovering, i decided “too hell with expectations and to hell with hiding in the dark, I’m going to do what I feel is right for me”. I began living as Melanie, the woman I have always known I am inside.

Things have happened that I wouldn’t have believed possible years ago. I now have a wonderful circle of ( mostly female) friends who totally accept me as “one of the girls”, I was socialising, before lockdown, as a woman, dressed in skirts, blouses, lingerie and hosiery. It felt amazing and still does. Everyone has noticed the positive differences in me since I “came out”, though my mum is having a hard time accepting the “loss” of her son (that happened in 1977).

There is hope out there, and a lot of supportive, accepting people who are willing to guide, advise and comfort you; all you have to do is reach out, to me or anyone else here. Life WILL get better, but it won’t happen overnight. I see my journey as a walk up a mountain from the dark valley below. I am.probably only a quarter of my way up, but I can see the bright, flowery and most of all sun-lit meadows of womanhood ahead and that is what keeps me going.

Take heart Vair, love and hugs from Melanie xxxx

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