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Hello… My name is Vair, and I struggle to define myself. It’s been a lifelong struggle. I have been diagnosed with a myriad of personality disorders, but I have been stumbling around gender dysphoria for years. In the past two years, I have become comfortable identifying as transmasculine, and I’m “out” to the public. Coming out ended my six-year domestic partnership and alienated me from most of my family, including my father.
I was in therapy before the pandemic began, but now I can’t work consistently enough to afford to continue my therapy. My therapist and I agree that while hormone treatment is a potential goal for me, I’m not in a healthy mental place to start it yet. The longer I go without therapy, the more mixed up and forlorn I feel.
I joined this site because I feel very lonely. I just listened to an episode of a podcast about the science of sex, and it was simultaneously helpful to hear about healthy practices, and alienating to feel excluded from such a binary conversation. I haven’t been intimate with anyone since I began my transition. Only a few days ago, I went on a date for the first time in two years, with another transgender person, and if anything, it only made me feel worse. I hate even feeling attracted to anyone, because the process my brain goes through always leads me back to the depressing conclusion that no one sees me the way I see myself, and therefore no one can be attracted to the real me.
I don’t even miss sex, really. I miss feeling comfortable enough with someone to feel intimate. Kissing, cuddling, just being touched (non-sexually) by someone who wants to touch me. I miss feeling like a person, now that most people treat me like an alien they don’t know what to do with, or like some new kink to explore.
I guess I just hope to find some friends here who can remind me that I’m not alone, I’m not an alien, and I’m not unlovable. Maybe if someone can still say that after they get to know me, I can believe it. Because it doesn’t help when it comes from motivational posters or strangers who don’t know how hard it is to feel seen, let alone loved.
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