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Hello, I new here, just trying to learn more about myself and the things that I do. I am 38 years old with a wife and a 9 year old daughter. Since I was about 12 years old or even younger, I’ve had a desire to be a woman. I started out wearing 1 pair of panties, I am not even sure when, but I remember wearing a skirt and panties that belonged to an adult cousin of mine, wishing to be like her. I always have had two sides of myself, like it would only need something to tip me over to the other side. When I was 12 to 17, I would build a collection of women’s clothes and underwear and hide them, I would wear them to school every now and then, not a lot because I was afraid I would get caught. I did get caught when I was about 14-15, it was the worst moment of my life because my sister and my niece went through my stuff and found them. I got questioned hard about all of it and thought my world was over. I lied about why I had them and for a while I stayed away, but I did it again and my mom found a second cache and asked what was wrong with me and if I needed to see a psychiatrist. I said no it was just the stuff they didn’t find and because I didn’t know what to do with it I kept it out of fear. She took them away and I just got more and way better at hiding the clothes. I would collect more and then get rid of them, afterwards I would hate myself and regret getting rid of them, like I did recently. I had clothes that I bought and hid and would wear them to work around the hose with out anyone knowing and loved it. But I got injured last year and worried they would find my clothes, so I got rid of them again. Now I am looking to get more and find myself getting more and more on the side of transitioning. I would dream of becoming a girl when I was younger and could have probably passed, on the phone I would be mistaken for a girl till I hit 16, it felt good when they got it wrong. Then and even now when I look at any kind of porn I love to imagine myself as the girl. I told myself it was a phase and moved on with my life got with my wife who I love. Sometimes when I have sex with her I imagine I am with a man, or that I have turned into a woman and I having a lesbian moment with her. I tried to look up if more people have had similar experiences like me but I get to a point where I feel I might start to question who I am, might open new problems. I looked up about transitioning and got excited about the idea of having my own breasts, mostly do to it being said your breasts size is determined by the women in your family and would be a cup size smaller if I am correct. My mom is like a g cup and had a breasts reduction when she was younger and they still grew, most of the women in my family were well endowed. I wish I was curvy and feminine so much that now I am at a point where I struggling with the idea of transitioning, like I really want to, I know I would love the changes. I am also worried if I would pass. I love to shave my pits and my pubic hair in a feminine way, and wish I could get rid of every bit of the rest of my body hair. I would love to wear make up and see how pretty I would look if I took my time. I know if I didn’t feel like my family would hate me I would do it in a heartbeat. This is the first time I have ever expressed myself and my feelings about this, so sorry if this is hard to read, I am just trying to find what to say and how to say it. I am afraid, I am okay with my life now and know I only get this one chance to live it and feel that if I go the other route that it’s wrong and that I would have made a mistake…. but would be a woman. I am also worried that I am just crazy, I have always tried to do the right thing, I feel I have been a good person following the law, never done drugs. I guess I am trying to find answers I may or may not want, has anyone else felt this way?
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