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Maybe you’ve experienced it, too; the cycle of euphoria and doubts. When that feeling of unease and doubt and insecurity rise up to hijack my euphoria, I wonder what is causing that.
I know there’s that “internalized transphobia” ever lurking. It gets smaller and smaller, but there are remnants waiting on the periphery. But aside from that, there’s something else.
This morning I was thinking on this conundrum and came to a realization; the uneasy doubts arise when I think about other people. What happened, what could happen, what it means for my future…. As Mark Twain says (paraphrased) “I’ve suffered the pain of thousands of terrible events, and a few of them happened in reality. The rest I made up in my head.”
The doubts that give me misgivings and self-esteem downers start with concerns about what others will say, do, or think. Not what is happening inside of me. When I am uncluttered by the imaginings of unspoken conversations, I am free to feel the authentic truth of my identity, swim in the joy of expressing this, and no longer feeling the need, obsession, or obligation to compensate for my feminine nature with masculine behaviors.
With this new information, I am armed with a simple litmus test; When I’m thinking about my gender identity, is it about me or is it about them?
If it’s them, that’s fear.
If it’s me, it’s love.
Does this make sense for you? Does it apply for you? If not, what have you found true?
Hugs Hugs Hugs,
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