The first step, telling yourself

This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Danielle Fox 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #647

    Cloe (CC) Webb
    Managing Ambassador

    For years I spent my time just enjoying the privacy of dressing in the closet telling myself it was enough, but never being complete.  I had attempted to come out in my 20’s and did so poorly, but let my need to help others ahead of my own.  I wasn’t even admitting to myself who I was.  This need has been a life long satisfier and dissatisfier.  You see, since coming out again , I’ve learned that I can’t help others be happy without being happy with myself first.  But, before I knew that I lived it.  In the final throws of fighting it I became an ogre to my wife and daughter.  Worse yet, I knew exactly what the cause was.  I needed to be me, whomever that was.  So as a person of faith I first dealt with that.  It was through that exchange that I learned it was going to be OK.  For the first time in my life I had really laid it all out in front of someone who meant everything to me and I had not only survived it, I had found peace and acceptance, as they say “warts and all”.

    I would love to engage you all in a discussion of your “warts and all” moment.  If you haven’t had it yet then I encourage you to join anyway.  No judgements here, just a happy girl who is now able to deal with the needs of others around me.

    Cloe

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  • #12940
     Danielle Fox 
    Participant

    SILVER

    Hi Cloe,

    I would say that my moment was 3 months ago. Before the beginning of June going back some 51 years I didn’t think about whether I was like the other boys in school. I just knew I liked Mom’s pretty panties and hose. During puberty I knew I wasn’t like the other guys and I kept hidden my propensity for dressing in women’s lingerie until my parents found my stash. So I just hid my lingerie better and dressed when nobody was home through the military time I closed the door and through my two marriages it was a covert mission to dress when I can.

    Back in 2010 after my separation and consequent divorce I joined a different crossdressing site which did not talk much about transitioning or transgender as it was geared towards crossdressing. There was not much help or support at that site and I left it then didn’t think about my future at all through a new marriage which was going absolutely wonderful. Until March of this year when I started having some stranger dreams than normal all with me as a woman and being with my wife.

    In May I decided to research about crossdressing, cause and effect , which led to transgender and what was involved. I questioned my gender and it stayed at the forefront of my mind the whole month. At the beginning of June I came to the conclusion that I needed to talk with my wife and at the same time my feminine name came to me. So the discussion was about the future of Danielle. Needless to say my wife was caught so off guard with the topic but more than that. I had a feminine name for myself. This discombobulated her to the point that our discussion was a full blown argument without the yelling just her with a lot of tears as me scared to death and not knowing what to do and where to turn. She started counseling that week.

    Enter CDH!!!  During my research I stumbled upon CDH and read a few articles and posts. I was totally blown away! I told myself out loud – “This site has it’s 💩 together “ how informative this site is and how supportive this site is. No judgment no slander no questioning of who you are. Just acceptance and support. This must be Nirvana (a place of joy with no pain)! I joined, paid for membership, and started reading, making friends, posting and asking questions. It took me less than a week to realize that I am transgender!

    In June a week after our discussion I was insensitive again and asked questions of my wife about breasts and how it felt to have them. When they jiggled and the feeling when she be bent over with and without a bra. She was defensive and emotionally pulled away from me. A few days later she asked me why I asked that question and I was honest with her. Not my best month to date here! I told her that I wanted hormone therapy so I can grow breasts. She shut down and just cried and cried. Later in the week we had a very candid talk. I sent her articles on crossdressing and gender dysphoria to read a couple days earlier on the day she shut down. I kept letting her know that I love her and didn’t want to lose her this whole time through today. Did I want to become a woman, was her first question, and my answer was I don’t know yet. Did I want hormone therapy, I do. She then walked away. I guess she had to do some thinking. The next day we had another talk and she was not sure she wanted to stay married. I lost my composure and cried then she cried. It was not a good day as we avoided each other and the next day was a Monday which meant work and a whole day of worrying for me and questioning at home for her.

    During the next week June ended, we had a truce of sorts, and we celebrated our 6th anniversary of marriage. June was not one of our best months and that was the “warts and all” month. I have good days where my mind is normal, lol as normal as I am which is – NOT, and others are bad and I am melancholy and in a deep funk. I am now in counseling and tomorrow is my second appointment. We have not really talked much about my future and where to go. My decision at this time is to be patient and with both of us in counseling she may be accepting of me and hormone therapy. Baby steps! The end goal is to either be married or living as close friends until the teaching year is over with me transitioning, but that is another day and another story. TTFN💋👠 with love ❤️ and hugs 🤗

    Danielle

     

     

     

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