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For years I spent my time just enjoying the privacy of dressing in the closet telling myself it was enough, but never being complete.ย I had attempted to come out in my 20’s and did so poorly, but let my need to help others ahead of my own.ย I wasn’t even admitting to myself who I was.ย This need has been a life long satisfier and dissatisfier.ย You see, since coming out again , I’ve learned that I can’t help others be happy without being happy with myself first.ย But, before I knew that I lived it.ย In the final throws of fighting it I became an ogre to my wife and daughter.ย Worse yet, I knew exactly what the cause was.ย I needed to be me, whomever that was.ย So as a person of faith I first dealt with that.ย It was through that exchange that I learned it was going to be OK.ย For the first time in my life I had really laid it all out in front of someone who meant everything to me and I had not only survived it, I had found peace and acceptance, as they say “warts and all”.
I would love to engage you all in a discussion of your “warts and all” moment.ย If you haven’t had it yet then I encourage you to join anyway.ย No judgements here, just a happy girl who is now able to deal with the needs of others around me.
Cloe
Hi Cloe,
I would say that my moment was 3 months ago. Before the beginning of June going back some 51 years I didnโt think about whether I was like the other boys in school. I just knew I liked Momโs pretty panties and hose. During puberty I knew I wasnโt like the other guys and I kept hidden my propensity for dressing in womenโs lingerie until my parents found my stash. So I just hid my lingerie better and dressed when nobody was home through the military time I closed the door and through my two marriages it was a covert mission to dress when I can.
Back in 2010 after my separation and consequent divorce I joined a different crossdressing site which did not talk much about transitioning or transgender as it was geared towards crossdressing. There was not much help or support at that site and I left it then didnโt think about my future at all through a new marriage which wasย going absolutely wonderful. Until March of this year when I started having some stranger dreams than normal all with me as a woman and being with my wife.
In May I decided to research about crossdressing, cause and effect , which led to transgender and what was involved. I questioned my gender and it stayed at the forefront of my mind the whole month. At the beginning of June I came to the conclusion that I needed to talk with my wife and at the same time my feminine name came to me. So the discussion was about the future of Danielle. Needless to say my wife was caught so off guard with the topic but more than that. I had a feminine name for myself. This discombobulated her to the point that our discussion was a full blown argument without the yelling just her with a lot of tears as me scared to deathย and not knowing what to do and where to turn. She started counseling that week.
Enter CDH!!! ย During my research I stumbled upon CDH and read a few articles and posts. I was totally blown away! I told myself out loud – โThis site has itโs ๐ฉ together โ how informative this site is and how supportive this site is. No judgment no slander no questioning of who you are. Just acceptance and support. This must be Nirvana (a place of joy with no pain)! I joined, paid for membership, and started reading, making friends, posting and asking questions. It took me less than a week to realize that I am transgender!
In June a week after our discussion I was insensitive again and asked questions of my wife about breasts and how it felt to have them. When they jiggled and the feeling when she be bent over with and without a bra. She was defensive and emotionally pulled away from me. A few days later she asked me why Iย asked that question and I was honest with her. Not my best month to date here! I told her that I wanted hormone therapy so I can grow breasts. She shut down and just cried and cried. Later in the week we had a very candid talk. I sent her articles on crossdressing and gender dysphoria to read a couple days earlier on the day she shut down. I kept letting her know that I love her and didnโt want to lose her this whole time through today. Did I want to become a woman, was her first question, and my answer was I donโt know yet. Did I want hormone therapy, I do. She then walked away. I guess she had to doย some thinking. The next day we had another talk and she was not sure she wanted to stay married. I lost my composure and cried then she cried. It was not a good day as we avoided each other and the next dayย was a Monday which meant work and a whole day of worrying for me and questioning at home for her.
During the next week June ended, we had a truce of sorts, and we celebrated our 6th anniversary of marriage. June was not one of our best months and that was the โwarts and allโ month. I have good days where my mind is normal, lol as normal as Iย am which is – NOT, and others are bad and I am melancholy and in a deep funk.ย I am now in counseling and tomorrow is my second appointment. We have not really talked much about my future and where to go. My decision at this time is to be patient and with both of us in counseling she may be accepting of me and hormone therapy. Baby steps! The end goal is to either be married or living as close friends until the teaching year is over with me transitioning, but that is another dayย and another story. TTFN๐๐ with love โค๏ธย and hugs ๐ค
Danielle
Cloe, thank you for this question / thought, “warts and all”. As I sat here in thought about how to answer this it dawned on me so clearly.
I vacillate. Vacillation is that big wart in the center of my heart and I suspect until it is removed it will keep me locked away in the closet.
I vacillate between the longing to be a woman and owning the truth that I am a woman. Like a pendulum I swing to one extreme (as I have been writing in various posts here) “I AM A WOMAN” to, “Oh how I long to be a woman.”
Even when I write, “I am a woman” tickling me in the back of my mind is the thought, “no you’re not; you just want to be a woman.” And I suspect that to endure the long hard rode of transition I must have more than longing for womanhood; I must have deep conviction that I am truly the woman who through the transition process is seeking for the world to know me as I know myself. i.e. transition is the means of showing to the world who you already know yourself to be.
Vascillation doesn’t mar the truth that I am gender dydphoric; but it does make very ugly the decisiveness to do anything about it. (Except to continue to repress my inner self)
Hypothetically, let’s remove the wart. What do I see? Longing or being? Being, I am a woman.
Perhaps that’s why I am here. For surgery; removal of the wart which distorts my clear vision of self and thereby keeps the world from truly knowing me also.
Charrie, not making assumptions here, but have you considered whether you are gender fluid?ย Find yourself first.ย Surgery is such a permanent change.
Cloe, truly I do appreciate your reading my reply thoughtfully.
Gender fluid – I will have to discover what that means before I say “yeah” or “”nay”. Shared insights like yours are one of the gems that I perceive will come my way to enrich my journey; to add clarity to it, to remove the “wart” if you will. Perhaps I am this “gender fluid”, perhaps I am . . . ??
I understand surgery is permanent, just as declaring my own womanhood and commitment to transition will permanently impact my life. So perhaps at this time my “wart” is a blessing in disguise there to check shallow uniformed declarations and unwise decisions.
Cloe, though we only recently became acquainted your care and concern for me is treasured. Thank you.
Hugs,
Charrie.
Charlene, I meant to come back to this earlier.ย I hope you’ve had time to look up the meaning, but I know that many of those who ascribe to being genderfluid had just as much thought and introspection as I have to being a convergent woman, which is a topic too big for this reply.
Just know it was through praying the right prayer to God that I found my release to explore who I am andย do something about it.ย Far too long my request was to have this need taken away.ย When I finally just said “this is me, this is who I am, now what?ย Do what you will” that I got the immediate answer of “you’ll be OK”, instead of silence.
My now ex-wife and I tried for 3 years to make it work and eventually went through a slow, but meaningful and patient divorce.ย It gave us time to process what each others hearts were and to separate emotionally without destroying each other.ย It takes caring hearts for that to happen.ย It wasn’t all peaches and cream in the least.ย Our divorce was final Dec 18.ย Seven days later she sent me a Merry Christmas note.Cloe, like a cup of hot coco warms my body, so you warm my soul. I guess that makes you a hot coco friend. ๐
Thank you for your suggestion and follow up about gender fluidity. Based on what I have read and watched on the subject I would say, “nay.” Such a mindset / understanding does not resonate with me in the least.
Without doubt my deep Biblical faith sets binary boundaries for me which I do not mind. My conflict is understanding how to live in peace with the reality that biologically I am male while heartedly embracing despite my faith thatย my soul is deeply feminine.
I believe the soul is a combination of mind, will, and emotions unique to each individual thus making each of the billions of people on this planet special in their uniqueness.ย And as I critically examine each of my soul’s “components” I always come back to the realization that I am deeply and stubbornly female.
So stubbornly female that I don’t want this part of me gone. I want it embraced and intregated seamlessly into my life as a whole person.ย ย I simply want to embrace who I am as a woman while being tasked to live as a male.ย HA! – to be sure there is nothing “simply” about that assignment. However I know now Gender-fluid is not the answer to my conflict. Thank you for making me think, thereby coming to an understanding.
So I am still searching. Or is that just a smoke screen for my wart that I identified as vacillation at the beginning of this conversation?
Hugs & blessings
Charrie
Hi Danielle,
Your thoughts are a comforting mixture of heart warming and exciting.
I wish you and you wife much wisdom, love, patience, and peace as you work together through this blossoming of your life into a fuller person.
Hi Cloe, i always keep an eye out for your articles, i’am a big admirer of yours . I see you as a leading lady in our world , you have great courage and kindness to all. Finding myself about 2 years ago was an eye opener, i had always cross dressed my entire life. I finally realized i needed to know why. I started keep a dairy of my thoughts and how i felt , this brought me out to myself . I went back at the end of the year and started reading what i had written , wow, there’s more to me than cross dressing . I’am female, trans, gender-fluid i guess, these terms seem to fit sort of . I’am not concerned about the titles as much as i’am about just living my life as the real me. Dressed up or not inside me never changes. I’am sitting here in my night gown , sipping coffee, enjoying talking, being with all of you pretty ladies, my life this way gives me great pleasure and my future is still being written.One day i may toss all my silly boy things and put on a dress and never look back. As Shakespeare said and i quote, toย thy on self be true. We must be ourselvesย to be the happiest, i wish all of you great happiness in the new year. Leslie
My story is one of lifelong crossdressing, really. I have vague memories (and the tale was recounted to me years later by her mother) of me playing dress up with a neighbor girl at around 5 or 6. Her mother laughed to tell the tale of her daughter and I prancing around in little dresses in the basement. Then I remember in the same era, getting in trouble, looking up a little girls dress in school. Around the years 7-10 being involved with an older boy from the neighborhood, the “dink club” where we would go off into the woods adjacent to the neighborhood for sex play. Fondling each other, him getting me to kiss his … That was kept repressed for many years, but affected my relationships with other kids for a lifetime. To this day, it keeps me intimidated by and attracted to boys and men. With girls, I was their friend. ย When puberty hit, I was a football player up to 14 years old. All the boy stuff. I was always a little heavy than other kids, but short. Didnโt get to my final 5โ10โ until 17 or 18. But my chest/breasts seemed to grow. Iโve always felt conscious about them. Never comfortable that I was big up there. Then the hair came at 17-20 I became completely covered in body hair. Like my dad. All over. I hated it. Still do. No true girlfriend until I moved out to Las Vegas, met little more forward girls. Lost my virginity in the front seat of mom’s Vega at 20 years old. I cross-dressed during my teen years, by trying momโs bra and panties and whatever. I felt alive and sexually stimulated. The feel of the silk and nylon made me excited. I usually climaxed. But never got caught. In my 20โs I sort of dated, chased women in clubs and bars, with not much success. Mostly went out with groups, guys and gals I worked with in the restaurant. Didnโt dress much, I lived with male roommates for years. Then I discovered the adult book store scene. Looking at the trans videos and magazines excited me then. The realization that a world existed that maybe I could be a part of was empowering. The video arcades became a favorite haunt. I had quite a few same sex encounters there. But it never came in to my โreal, normalโ life. No friends or family knew of these things.ย
Fast forward to my early 30โs. I met a great woman. She loved me. We got married at 33. She had no idea. I repressed my latent need to dress for years. She never knew JaiymeLynne. Or did I even actually at that time. It was a great marriage. We had regular sex. But no children came. She was a heavy woman and feared pregnancy. So that sort of put a damper on things. Over time, 25 years, our relationship grew strained. I was frustrated. She was tall, too. So, guess what? I discovered I could wear a bra now and then. Then panties. When she was not home. I began to dress covertly. I saw an episode of Oprah where an adult male talked about being abused as a child. It it home to me. I saw a therapist for a while. He made me see that my abuse was not my fault. That it was thrust upon me. But in my heart of hearts I still felt that I had liked it somehow. I felt better afterย those sessions. ย But during that time and prior too, I had started frequenting trans based internet sites. Our sex life faded/suffered. She had some losses, dad and sister died in 2008. We began to fight more, share less. The only things we had in common became our home and love of sports. I continued to spend time on porn sites. It created distance between us. She, we found out after was not healthy. Fast forward to 2017, the day after Christmas, she has a massive heart attack and dies. I am lost. I carry guilt that she didnโt go to doctors to get checked out; but I know that was her choice. But perhaps if I was not so selfish, I wouldโve gotten her to one. But I was struggling with my own identity at that time. I enjoyed my time online. I met new people. I found CDH, found a place that welcomed me for me, as JaiymeLynne, that it was ok to be confused and to question these things.
This year has been an awakening. Iโve felt things and done things I never thought could or would happen. I worked with a therapist online. She was so helpful to me. I may go back to her. In person even. I am working through my dysphoria. I still feel the need to lose my body hair. And get hair replacement on my head (thatโs where I have lost hair!) and grow my hair longer. Iโd love to do that too. I have bought and purged one set of clothes, lingerie, shoes.ย Starting over with that.ย I love makeup, and wigs, practicing, seeing what makes me look best.Because I donโt feel myself, if I donโt get to let Jaiyme out. It doesnโt seem to โgo awayโ. I do wear panties under my boy clothes when I go to work. I fantasize about getting in my car, fully dressed, going out and being accepted. But now my father is living with me after mom passed last year. So that put JaiymeLynne in the closet a little more again. I dress late at night, when dad’s asleep; which carries risk, cause he has COPD, and an attack could come where Iโd be needed.
The question or thought posed by Cloe here is that Step 1 is telling yourself. I have said to myself, I am transgender. I feel good about it. But I am scared. I feel that eventually I will have no choice. It is not a CHOICE. It just is. I am JaiymeLynne. I love myself this way. I am a transgender woman. Living as a man. Bummer. But one step at a time.
JaiymeLynneps sorry this is so long, hope it’s not too boring…
Iโm 45 and through out my who life Iโve always wanted to try on girls clothes. ย When I did I liked the way it made me feel. ย As a adult I have bought a couple of female under garments and worn them from time to time but never really thought anything more other then being a fetish. ย About 8 years ago I started to question wether I was gay or not. I started going into gay forums and looking around. ย It wasnโt till recently I was a a LGBT forum and took a peak into the transgendered section. ย As I started looking through the posts there was this feeling that came over me. ย A feeling of….this feels like me. ย It was at that moment I really started opening my mind to the fact i could be transgendered.
Michelle,
It’s good o see that you are seeking answers in a research and discovery way.ย I always caution people to be sure it is who they are and not just a reflection of wha someone else said or worse yet pushed.ย Just know that not all roads lead to transition.ย Many find peace in the non-binary and other gender variant answers.ย My goal is to help you find your peace within yourself in whatever life that may be.
There were two things that I did in my journey that helped me decide.ย How you approach is as much choice based on how you best absorb information.
First was finding site with truly member driven content and chat and asking a billion questions, most of them repetitive as I wanted peoples perspectives.ย It’s like looking at a piece of art from a whole bunch of angles to really appreciate the artists intent.
Second was to find a great counselor who did push one way or the other.ย She helped me find my own answers.
I hope to hear more from you as time rolls on and your journey of discovery continues.
[quote quote=33313]Michelle,
Itโs good o see that you are seeking answers in a research and discovery way. I always caution people to be sure it is who they are and not just a reflection of wha someone else said or worse yet pushed. Just know that not all roads lead to transition. Many find peace in the non-binary and other gender variant answers. My goal is to help you find your peace within yourself in whatever life that may be.
There were two things that I did in my journey that helped me decide. How you approach is as much choice based on how you best absorb information.
First was finding site with truly member driven content and chat and asking a billion questions, most of them repetitive as I wanted peoples perspectives. Itโs like looking at a piece of art from a whole bunch of angles to really appreciate the artists intent.
Second was to find a great counselor who did push one way or the other. She helped me find my own answers.
I hope to hear more from you as time rolls on and your journey of discovery continues.
[/quote]
Hi Cloe thank you for the response. ย The more research I do the more my mind opens. ย Iโts amazing what you discover about yourself when you take the time to look at things. ย I feel like this has been something thatโs been inside of me all my life ย it I just never slowed down to take to to look.Iโve always like to do a lot of things girls like doing. ย Cooking, shopping (mainly for clothes). ย I like watching girly movies and listening to love songs. ย Iโve always had a lot of female friends also. ย Until recently Iโve never really thought of why this is. ย Iโd never taken is guess to make that connection between those things and the fact that I have been fascinated and felt good about trying on womenโs clothes.
For me, the process of telling myself was very important. It has always been the case for me that if I can verbalize, or write, something that it represents a major step towards understanding.
Love your post Chloe.ย So much of it speaks to me.ย For years I would see an attractive woman in pictures or real life and think to myself “God, if only for one day, could you please let me wake up looking like her.”ย I would just sit on the toilet, just to urinate, wishing I was in a woman’s body with no choice but to sit.ย I wanted to be everything that a woman is…physically, emotionally, mentally.ย I would push my desire and frustration to the background.ย The demands of life and family required me to deny these feelings but always they resurrected themselves.ย It took a long time for me to understand how I got to where I was in life as a husband, father and grandfather.ย I have conflicting feelings…wishing that I had never married, never had children…being free to make a choice and go in the direction that I wish I could go.ย But then I say to myself, “how can you think that way?ย You have a wife, children and grandchildren that love you.ย You would wish them away so you can be true to yourself?ย How wrong is that!!!”
I can look back at my youth and now understand what was happening and why I made the (wrong?) choices I didย but now I want to be true to myself….but I struggle with what the potential aftermath would be.ย I retired a couple years ago and gladly went down the rabbit hole in search of myself.ย I dress in women’s clothing when I can, I read up on transitioning….I am going through laser and electrolysis to remove all hair from face and body that mark me as a man.ย It’s like I’m taking baby steps with the hair removal as I stand on the precipice.ย Like you did previously, I am at times acting like an ogre towards my wife, resentful of her married status to me…a roadblock to my future happiness.ย I shouldn’t be like that to her.ย It’s not her fault.ย I can and do accept that nature had a 50-50 chance to get me right and blew it.ย I continue to read up on articles…informational sources on gender identification, gender fluidity, transitioning.ย I am considering seeing a therapist for help.ย I wish life were not so messy.
Telling myself that I was trans was definitely the first part of my journey. I knew that I would rather be a girl from a pretty young age but made a lot of effort to hide that fact from everyone – myself included. At one point I had told myself that it all had gone away.
About 18 months ago, a bad episode of BPD gave me the push to start a journal. I wrote about how i was feeling and what was going through my head. There was a lot of self-identity struggles – times i wrote about all the things I wasn’t, times i wrote about feeling lost and without purpose. I was trying to explore myself and feminine identity came up – i had been using girly stickers and pronouns in my diary, and dressing in pink as much as I could. I longed to do makeup and dress like my sisters. Someone at that point asked me if I might be trans and i was like “no, not really”. It was not till a few months later that I finally realised what my mind and body was telling me.
I still remember that night i sat down and wrote in my diary “i am a (trans) woman”. The feelings of clarity, of belonging and simply of being honest with myself washed over me. There was both relief at finding myself, but also fear or worry – what do I do now? How do I tell people? But the most important thing was i knew who I was.
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