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It’s always been lonely. A very lonely path, right from the beginning, the first moment you knew you were different. You also sensed that you were alone, very alone. You sensed that you were different enough that you had to keep silent. You already knew that your difference was not acceptable. You were a boy, but all your inner thoughts and feelings were telling you that wasn’t right, you always felt like a girl, wanted to be a girl. But who could you tell? Again, you knew you must keep silent about these feelings.
As you grew older these feelings only became stronger. You were now in school and surrounded by pretty girls who only reminded you of your yearnings to be like them, to be one of them. But you were alone and had to keep silent, because boys weren’t supposed to be like that.
You would lay in bed at night, crying, longing to be understood, but knowing that nobody was there, you were alone. But you hoped your prayers would be heard, and just maybe, if it was possible, you could wake up as a girl.
School was not an enjoyable place for you. Those feelings, your femininity, had a tendency to be noticed by some and it wasn’t a good thing. Being teased and bullied is never a good thing. But who could you tell? You would be ridiculed if you tried to defend yourself, feminine boys were not acceptable. Once again, you were alone and had to keep silent.
The silence of your loneliness was deafening, so you tried to block it out by concentrating and channeling all your efforts into something that would take your mind off of how you felt. You turned to reading, to doing artwork, poetry, and photography, this occupied your mind and kept most of the feminine feelings at bay and the deafening silence down to a low roar.
But those feminine feelings never really stopped, they were always just around the corner waiting to ambush your thoughts. And even after all the years had passed, there was still nobody to tell, you still had to remain quiet, as it wasn’t acceptable for a man to be feminine. You were alone again.
You finally met the perfect girl, she loved your gentle soul, your sensitivity and she was aware that you were in touch with your femininity and was okay with that. You concentrated on this relationship and you were married, this seemed to suppress those feelings for the time being, but you could still be ambushed if you let your thoughts stray, you didn’t want to upset her so kept quiet about those feelings.
You had two lovely children, a boy and a girl, the million dollar family. This finally worked to keep the thoughts concentrated on raising these lovely children into fine young adults. They both moved on and now have their own children.
She died. The love of your life was stricken with terminal cancer and taken from your life.
You were alone again. And in the midst of the pain those feelings once again arose, and once again, you had no one to tell because, it wasn’t acceptable to have such feelings.
You met another lovely lady, were quite smitten with her, and were married. Things seemed to be fine until you were completely ambushed by those feminine feelings again, only this time it was like being in a pressure cooker that was going to blow. You found out that the medical term for this was ‘gender dysphoria’, a disconnect between who you were born as and who you identify as.
You had come to the point where you acknowledged and accepted what you had always known. You were a transgender woman!
You did all you could to find out as much information as possible regarding this. The thoughts and feelings grew even stronger and finally you had to tell your little lady the news.
Once again, even when you were able to tell the world what you knew and what you had to do, you felt dreadfully alone.
The cure for gender dysphoria is to finally transition into living as the person you have always known you were. This is an incredible journey that you must embark upon, and you are, once again, alone.
With the announcement of your transitioning into the woman you were actually born as, you find that the deafening silence has returned, many of those from your past have departed or been left behind, some have abandoned you as what you have done is still considered by some to be unacceptable.
Once again, you are alone.
It is a journey that takes a very lonely path.Until next time.
LaurenI guess my journey has been different. Being older , the only person I have to please is me. It’s been quite exciting! It’s like a version of Christmas. Every month opening a new present. It’s been quite a metamorphosis for my mind and body. I have a wonderful therapist to smooth out the rough spots and I have kept a positive attitude. I can be a lonely existence at times but the joy of finally being me supersedes it. The nice thing about the community, it keeps growing. There are many girls who need a friend or just some encouragement. I will.never shun another sister. We made the decision and we will see it through.Please know you made the right choice and enjoy the times you are having.This evolution is quite exciting.Sure you will lose friends but you will recover and thrive. Be proud my sister and enjoy the day!!
Hi Lauren!
You and I have similar lives. I too have the “million-dollar family”, boy and girl, plus a very understanding spouse.
But I do understand your loneliness. Not sharing my feelings drove me nuts! So, I finally realized that I needed to make friends just like us, both online and IRL.
I just recently got involved in my local trans community and have become active, but not necessarily “activist”, as in burning my bra (I’d never do that!). It’s nice to have a shoulder to cry on and to share a laugh with my friends here and abroad (we do look good when all dolled up) I’ve gone from dysphoric to euphoric!
Honestly, I’ve never been happier!
Love, Barb
Thank you my wonderful girl friends! Yes, I do experience the happiness of finally being free, the extreme joy of being able to live as Lauren all the time. And I love all the amazing friends I have made here on TG heaven. I haven’t yet made many local connections with other trans women. I do have an amazing support team where I work as a woman full time, and I am extremely grateful for that. I am now living as a room mate with a lady who is fully understanding and accepting me as a trans woman, and again, very thankful. So my life is certainly not one of misery, but the reality of often feeling alone never seems to completely disappear.
Yours forever girls,
Lauren M
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