Tips on dropping hints

  • This topic has 8 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by Roz.
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  • #99917
    Stephanie Mac

    Hi.  Deep down I have had feelings of wanting to be a girl/woman since I was 12.  I am married with 3 kids and am looking for advice on how to and what hints to drop to my wife that I am severly questioning my gender an need to go to therapy.

    I don’t feel comfortable just sayingI am Trans and want to be a woman to my wife without really knowing it.

    I let my hair grow during the pandemic and had an appointment to get it cut in a few days and canceled it (and felt relieved after I did).  I am really liking my long curly locks.  I had my wife put it in a mini “man” bun and she smiled and I think she likes it.  She sent it to her sisters.

    Any advice would be appreciated.


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    • #114386

      I am new to this as well and quite anxious. I am thinking of coming out to my wife but not my kids who are young teenagers. I think my oldest daughter has an idea about me though. I don’t think I should even consider transitioning until my kids are finished with school as I’m worried about them getting a hard time if it was public knowledge. I’m also worried about my job as I’m a medic and I indirectly know the people at the Gender Identity Clinic. It’s one of the most worrying things for me because if I go there how will it be possible for it to stay confidential? In terms of dropping hints I have asked to join in when my wife and daughters are having girly fun. I cry all the time at sad movies. I have already shaved my chest and abdominal hair but nobody has seen that so it’ll only come up by accident. I’d love to get all the hair removed but I can’t see that going unnoticed. I ask questions about makeup and take an interest in their hair and clothes and say how much I love the styles. I wouldn’t be surprised if having told my wife she told her best friends and then it could easily end up public knowledge. I’m not ready for that and it sounds like you might not be either so it’s something to consider. I have some similar questions to ask so I’ll post them in another thread and maybe we can discuss it together as it sounds like we might be at similar stages. I would advise keeping the hints subtle to avoid a confrontational conversation but enough that on some level the message will be getting across so that it’s not a complete surprise when you have the main conversation in the future.
      Good luck with whatever you decide

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    • #110364

      Hi Stephanie,

      You are facing a fundamental conundrum that is unique to the transgender world.  How to swap genders in a historically two gender world.  Of course there are many intermediate degrees of transition between the distinctly two genders, but many of these are ultimately unsatisfying for the transgender individual.  That might be a question you pose to yourself: Will you be happy to achieve some transition to woman-like, but still predominately present as a man.  An intermediate degree of transition often comes with expected limitations on “when & where” one can woman-up.

      I literally told my wife on several occasions that I want to be a girl; she didn’t believe me, she would make light of the comment, she would overtime impose restrictions on my actions.  She refused allowing me to buy the very pretty metal flake lime green Prius, I got the dark red.  I would buy pretty men’s clothes and she wouldn’t let me wear them.  On and on.

      All of the previous advice is excellent.  I would lead with you seeing a psychologist that specializes in transgender issues.  Developing self awareness of how sincere you are in some degree of transitioning is a critical first step.  I did this without my wife’s knowledge, as it is a very personal thing.  I did learn enough about myself to bring her into the discussion after a few sessions.

      If you find that eventually you will want to completely transition, that will place significantly different criteria on what hints you give, and how you negotiate the progressive nature of your female-expressions over time.

      If my wife had let me be “girlish” many years ago, I may not have ever needed to make the decision to pursue complete transition.  I had a very good relationship of over 32 years, but always with social restrictions that were cognizant of, but not freeing my female tendencies.  My wife celebrated our 33 wedding anniversary this last May the 21st by sharing a bottle of our wedding champagne and informing me she was divorcing me because she can’t be seen in public with me, and to stop introducing her as “my wife”.

      I don’t hope that scenario on anyone, but know that it is there.

      So, you go to a therapist and determine that you will be adequately happy to transition over many years of taking little steps into woman-hood.  I wish my wife let me do this; we could have had so much fun.  If you can be happy with a transitional plan of this nature, the hints are different; you don’t necessarily want to be a woman, but woman-like.  Many years down the road when the children are off to their own lives, and your wife is “so-over-it”, maybe progress further.

      A very important aspect of my desire all these years was the need to live a little publicly as a female.  The restriction that I could only “girl-up” in the privacy of our home, with no guests over was a non-starter for me: it was the same as yelling “shame-shame” every time I dressed up.

      I wish you the courage to ask yourself the hard questions.  My wife asked me to put Lukcia away, and to never speak of this again; I said “no”.

      A good transgender friend of mine was very upset because he couldn’t afford the procedures to facilitate physical transition.  I wrote him an extended essay (I write extended essays).  I told him point-blank: Doing this is a luxury item.  That 95-plus percent of the world people have zero access to such opportunities, and suffer harm, prison or death in their social environment.  Sometimes one just has to “buck-up” and do what has to be done. (notice I didn’t say “man-up”)

      That totally pissed her off, and she didn’t talk to me for several months.

      Everyone, transgender or otherwise has a unique path before them as well as behind them.  Take care in every step you take.  Good Luck


    • #100941

      Stephanie, I certainly would not ‘force’ things if those are not true feelings, or situations, or whatever. But certainly don’t hide things either. If a part in a movie brings you to tears, don’t hide it like ‘males are supposed to do’. If you see something that looks nicely decorated somewhere, point it out to her. After awhile, she will pick up on these and start to wonder. Then as more of you shows, she will have a better realization. Simple things can go a really log way. Michelle

      Though she put it more eloquently than I did, that it essentially what I was saying. Just expose them to the real you a little bit at a time. Eventually they will start to ask questions. If you take your time and expose them slowly, it will not be as much of a shock to them when you do come out, and you are likely to get a more favorable reaction. Letting your guard down and letting them into your world is the hardest thing to do, especially if you have been hiding it for a long time. I am still struggling with that myself. The thing I have had to remember is that I can’t hide it forever. They will eventually find out anyway, and I am just making myself miserable in the process, so I might as well condition them to reality. Gaining the self confidence to be yourself takes time. You have to remember that this will be just as difficult for your family as it has been for you, so you have to take it slowly and give them time to process things as well. Don’t try to force it before it is time.

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      • #112249

        It is always hard to come out to our families. I too struggle with telling my dad because I’m afraid of his answer. The other day he got my clothes out of the dryer and when he put them in my room he also had to see my wigs. I have been trying to hide for so long which I know isn’t healthy. Later this week I finally have to have the talk myself.

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    • #100909

      I am 39, and have presented publicly as a heterosexual straight acting man my entire life, though I have always felt like a woman on the inside. I have not come out to my family completely yet, but I have been slowly preparing them for it for the last several years. I have worn women’s undergarments exclusively for 20 years, but kept it completely hidden until several years ago, before I started “accidentally” having a thong slip here or there. Eventually they got over that. Then I grew my hair out and began shaving my body hair. Eventually they started noticing that I shaved my legs, but we eventually got passed it. Over time, I have begun to gradually feminize the way I dress. I wear the most feminine looking men’s clothing I can find, or masculine looking women’s clothing. The question of whether I am gay has come up several times, but I haven’t addressed it. I have gradually started dropping hints that I am different. Though I haven’t come out and said it yet, I think my family has begun to accept that I am different, even though they don’t exactly know what that difference is yet. I have done this over several years, and I don’t put anything more than what they can handle on them at any given time. I try to do what is best for me, while also being respectful of them. The time has come for me to tell them, and so I will be doing it relatively soon. I know this was a long diatribe, but what I am saying is that you should take your time and do it gradually. You have waited for years, so there is no need to rush now. How quickly you do it depends on the tempermant and beliefs of your family members, as well as your own needs. The more time you give them to acclimate themselves to this change, the more favorable their reaction will be.

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    • #99943

      Hi Stephanie…

      Make an appointment to see a therapist specializing in gender related issues. Tell your wife that you are going to see a therapist. See will obviously ask questions… sit her down and tell her how you feel. You will feel so much better after you have told her…

      I’m growing out my hair also… still short yet though. Will definitely look different… my hair is all grey now. Had long hair in my 20’s… however, I started a job where it was not ideal to have long hair (31 y/o). So… chop, chop, chop. Have had short hair ever since… am 57 y/o now.


      Gen ❤


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    • #99934
      Michelle Lawson

      Stephanie, I certainly would not ‘force’ things if those are not true feelings, or situations, or whatever. But certainly don’t hide things either. If a part in a movie brings you to tears, don’t hide it like ‘males are supposed to do’. If you see something that looks nicely decorated somewhere, point it out to her. After awhile, she will pick up on these and start to wonder. Then as more of you shows, she will have a better realization. Simple things can go a really log way. Michelle

      5 users thanked author for this post.
      • #113491

        Thanks for your incite

        I just became aware of who I am 7/10/2021

        I am in the exact place and quite freaked out

        and I’ve been crying  a lot over silly little things and movies we watch for years but over the past year its 10 times worse I don’t hold anything back

        I go clothes shopping with the wife a lot more in the last year and some times jokingly hold up a dress and ask her if she thinks I would look good in it   she laughs  I keep hoping she will say Id like to see you ware that so I could take it home

        I joke a lot so I don’t know how much is sinking in with her

        right now I would be super happy to just be me at home and not lose my wife

        Do you have any other tips

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