To Tell Or Not To Tell.

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    • #133020

      Yesterday evening my brothers fiancee texted me with an update on my brother’s condition after a surgery. Her name is Tina. She had been sending texts throughout the day as she got news. Her last text said Hi Angela “, I was not sure who it was from until I read the rest of the text. I was surprised at first as so few people know me as Angela. But my brother was aware as I came out to.him a few years back. But he was not on board with me as his sister. And my Mom always told me that he would get angry whenever the subject would come up, as I would ask Mom to try to reinforce my desire to be seen as a girl and as a sister.  But both of my brothers resisted it. For that matter my Mom never used my real name, but always referred to me by my given name and masculine pronouns.

      Anyway I felt a burning desire to come out to Tina and have a text in draft that just needs to have the send button pushed. But I am uncertain about whether it is the right move. Tina says that it was a mistake and the talk to text misunderstood her. Which could be true as it has happened on my phone. But it is odd it would choose my feminine name. Which honestly is close to my given name. But I was so elated by receiving a text in my true name. I wanted to establish a contact who fully accepted me. But if she said anything to my wife it would be over for me and hurt my wife badly. As she has forgiven my past struggles in this area. Would love to hear from you girls what you think.

      Xoxoxo Angela




    • #133030

      That is a very difficult decision to make. The outcome can be positive or total disaster. Normally there is no middle ground it seems.
      You have to take a lot of factors into account before doing that.
      I tried to come out slowly about a year and a half ago. But it did not happen as I had planned or hoped for. A family member and a friend decided to tell everyone.
      It was a disaster, with no way to fix it. No way to save anything.
      I lost my relationship of 28 years almost immediately. Along with most of my family and friends.
      Over time some of them have come back and we have begun to build a new friendship.

      Peace and Love,

      Shiloh Rose 🌹

      • #133032

        Shiloh Rose,

        Thank you for your reply it means so much to me to be able to converse with another girl about the situation. I feel stupid that I need to put myself to others to let people know that I am a girl and yet to be so scared that everyone will find out. And yet if everyone knew I could be free. But my wife would get hurt and I hate the thought of putting her in that situation when it isn’t her fault I am like I am.



    • #133042
      DeeAnn Hopings


      In this situation, it is alright until it isn’t. The risk is that, regardless of what you do, you may get outed anyway. Once that happens, you lose the narrative. It becomes very difficult to tell your story, your way. You are placed on the defensive and that is never a good position.

      As you read postings here, there are many members that talk about how their secrets got out. It could a piece of clothing that got left out. It could be a stray E-mail on a phone. It could be being in the wrong place at the wrong time. There are any number of things that can trip folks up. Once things blow up, that train has left the station.

      Every situation plays out in different ways. The thing to do is put some serious thought into what may, or may not, happen given your circumstances and then you can decide what to do.

      Also, it may help to work with a therapist. It’s a great way to have an objective discussion, but realize that not every therapist has expertise in gender issues.

    • #133087
      Dee Astra

      What on earth are you doing!?!

      Tell your wife!! Be honest with her, it’s the very least you can do for her if you care for her at all.

      Sorry to be blunt, but seriously your digging a huge pain hole for you BOTH, particularly if the rest of your family already know.

      It’s not a matter or if, more WHEN she finds out and by who?

    • #133099

      Hi Angela!

      Yup, get in front of this.

      I told my wife everything, and I mean e v e r y t h i n g ! ! (Well, not everything… .)

      I agree with everyone. And, it’s just a matter of time others find out, especially if you have a vibrant online and local LGBTQA+ community presence. I got “outed” by a wonderful neighbour recently and she’s totally cool with me. She even suggested we crack open a bottle of wine when the opportunity arises. Maybe not such a good idea… LOL!!

      I have found a “happy place” with my wife. Yes, it’s a compromise, but it works for us.

      I can breathe, have a laugh or two and live a feminine life!

      Good Luck!


      • #133114

        Dearest Dee, I posted an update about the tell or not to tell post you so kindly replayed to. I was hoping to clarify the issue a little for those who felt I owed my wife better than I had been doing this far. It is on my profile page and I would be interested in your further opinion. I just put it in the wrong place i guess. Technology is not my area.

      • #133115

        Dearest Barb, I hope I could get you Togo to my profile page where I updated the post I thought you gals were due a clarification I would be interested in your thoughts thank you for your replys.

    • #133168

      Seems you are going to have to let this episode pass.  If your SIL had intended to refer to you as Angela, I doubt she would have back tracked on it after sending a text.  Given your comments about your mom and brothers, and your wife’s attitude, now may not be the time to rock the boat.

    • #133241

      Hi Angela,

      This is a difficult situation because you already have people in your life that you have come out to. I am in a situation where I am starting the process of speaking to a therapist about my dysphoria. I told my therapist today that I was not ready to discuss any of my feelings with anyone including my wife because I want to take the time to fully understand how I am feeling and what I want before I come out so I can fully explain what I feel in an articulate way. If you already are sure about who you are and have come out to others I believe the right thing to do is have a discussion with your wife. She will either accept you for who you are or not but at least you can be honest and let her make that decision for her life. This can be difficult because you have to choose between being your full self and keeping the people around you comfortable. If people in your family already know it might be a matter of time before your wife finds out anyway. Sorry this was so long and drawn out but I want you to also know that you are valued and only have one life on earth you should live it for you and let your wife live hers for her.

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