Transgender who has family

  • This topic has 16 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by Barb.
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    Topic
  • #134613
    Hannah Gordon
    Participant

    Hi,

    I have been recently working through depression as it started to severely effect my mental health, to work through and find that I buried large unresolved feelings for years to understand that I am am actually transgender.

    I am male but identify as female. The challenge I have is I am married to a woman I love and have children. They do not know what I have discovered about myself.

    I am managing what I can with my identity but understand there is consequences if I come out as it were and do not want to harm my relationship with any of my family.

    Is anyone in or has anyone gone through a similar situation as I would appreciate another perspective or experience?

    Thank you kindly

    Hannah.

    5 users thanked author for this post.
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    • #135097
      Barb
      BRONZE

      Someone over on CDH had similar questions/concerns. Here’s what I said with some changes applicable to this discussion:

      * * *

      A few of years ago, I had “The Talk” with The Mrs soon after retiring. My wardrobe broke open our bedroom door and spilled into the hallway…

      I was ready to pack my bags and go, but my wife just shrugged her shoulders, smiled and asked, “You’ve bottled this up for years, eh?” Yup… LOL!!

      I too have an innate desire to be female. Can’t help it. Just is. If I couldn’t identify and express myself in a feminine way, then I get very depressed. This is what I told my wife. In fact, she even seems sad I’ve bottled it up for so long.

      The thing is… no matter what I wear or how I behave, I’m still the same person with the same personality, work ethic and maternal instincts – I was a stay at home mom for 16 years then went back to work while my wife rose the corporate ranks.

      Funny… my wife has often mentioned that corporate men aren’t the aggressive personalities they once were, like on the TV show Mad Men. She says they’re a lot like me, personality-wise – more cerebral and mature. I’ll take it! LOL!!

      I guess I’m just lucky. My kids are now adults and are very successful. So, I did my child-rearing part well and my wife is grateful and really couldn’t care less how I identified, so long as it’s not slutty (although I do have my private moments and photo shoots).

      I’ve also immersed myself in our LBGT community and have made many friends locally and in Florida too! They are a wonderful resource. My wife sees how happy I’ve become since “coming out” to her and my advocacy with the Trans/Pride community.

      I hope this helps and good luck!

      Barb

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #135064
      Rikki
      GOLD

      Hi Hannah

      I read through all and found many points that I have experienced.

      My trans ended two marriages… kids are grown and gone.

      I can’t come out either because of where I live and I have a house here. Depression is always lurking about… chocolate is antidepressant and alcohol is a depressant…so what?… drink and eat chocolate? ☺️…go figure, I guess.

      Hang in there.

      Rikki

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #134861

      I am in a similar situation married almost 45 years with one  grown up son, came out to my wife some 14 years ago at first she was not pleased to say the  least however we’re still together which from my point I’m very grateful as apart from the disphoria I also have multiple sclerosis and need help from her which she gives me all in all with both things I get very depressed and in    fact when I look in the mirror I see a ugly body in casings a feminine mind the little compensation is that I took HRT for around 10 years which feminised my body a little which my wife says she can’t look at it I try to keep myself as feminine as possible and where possible wear androgynous female clothes plus wear female knickers 24/7 if things had been different and my health had not deteriorated how things could be different maybe.

      Oh well I trust I haven’t board you and thanks for reading

      love Christy

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #134738

      Hannah,
      Each person here tells you the truth even though it’s from a different perspective. Because Each of us walks down a varied path. We each have delt with different problems while dealing with our journey of discovery. And we have all faced hard and difficult decisions, with ourselves and family. And many other aspects of this chosen life. But, I for one will tell you that I would not go back or trade it for anything. I’m the happiest and blessed lady. And, yes I will say it comes with both hardships and joy’s. That’s life at its fullest.
      Don’t try to over think things and don’t try to go too fast.
      Just try….just experience…just enjoy…just learn about yourself…
      Allow yourself to grow. To become…
      Little steps will make a life time journey….I promise.

      Shiloh Rose 🌹

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #134737
      Jayde Jewel
      SILVER

      Hi

      I am new here first day.  I am in a similar situation as you.  I have been with my wife since high school.  27 years together and 19 years married.  We have 3 teenagers together.  I had a breakdown about 5 years ago and came out to my wife.  I thought that after 27 years I knew her.  She is my everything and the love of my life.  I destroyed my marriage.  We are still currently together but life is not the same.  I present as male as I only started HRT on Jan 1 2023.  Me coming out to her was the worst thing.  She has told me that she is not into women and loved me as a man. She will not love me as female and does not want anything to do with me.  We have stayed together for the kids and financial reasons.  But we are not the same nor intimate.  I destroyed my life for coming out.  My kids don’t know but they are suspicious as I have longer hair now and wear some make up.

      my advice is if you can secretly do what you need to do stay closeted.  I regret my coming out.  So far in 5 years nothing good in my life has happened.  More arguments with my wife and hatful comments and stress in the family.  I wish I could go back in time and not tell her anything.

      sorry.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #135093
        Rachel
        FREE

        Same, coming out destroyed my life. My girl left, I lost my company/career, all my family disowned me.

        But….

        It saved my life. Here I am 15 years later,remarried, new career, and a life worth living.

        All I’m saying is look at the long-term impact of these decisions. Sometimes a little short-term pain is required to get where you need to be.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #134799
        Ray andrew
        SILVER

        All relationships are different. I often hear an assumption that if a couple is totally honest and open with each other, then everything will be all right. I venture to say that every relationship has some secrets or things that just aren’t discussed. No couple can be 100% open and honest.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #134748
        Ray andrew
        SILVER

        For me, my wife and family come first. Other people posting on this site have successfully explained their situation to their wives and have come to some sort of acceptance or understanding. I am married to a pretty traditional Cambodian woman. A few months ago I broached the subject of possible breast augmentation. She was aghast, with an emphatic “No Way!” More recently, I tried wearing a simple denim skirt around the house. She just laughed, which was in many ways worse than anger. So I am left in the closet. I am taking various hormones, pills, creams, etc. and am gradually becoming more feminine. She has noticed, but hasn’t objected so far. But how far can I go before she hits the ceiling?

        I guess all wives and all situations are different. One never knows what will happen. We all try our best to negotiate these rough waters, with various degrees of success.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #134625
      Brielle
      SILVER

      Hi Hannah, I am going through this right now. Some of it is in mu own profile and posts. My daughter and her wife were easy, as you could imagine. My siblings have been very supportive, although my older sister seems to think I want all kinds of advice from changing my name to getting any surgeries (I just came out to them 5 months ago! LoL).

      My wife has been the challenge. We had a lot of problems built up over years. I hid so much of myself from everyone that I never showed or shared all of me with her. Once I did star sharing after 40 years, it was too much. Then I admitted I need to start HRT and it was just too much. She is incredibly supportive and knows I have no choice to have a healthy rest of my life. But she also did not marry a woman (at least she didn’t know she had) and is not attracted to me as a spouse anymore. I get that, but I am not willing to “settle” and have a marriage of convenience.

      There are many, many success stories where the couple stays together and thrives, but unfortunately we weren’t one of them. Best of luck with whatever you choose, but it won’t go away or get easier keeping such a momentous secret.

      Hugs,

      Brie

      4 users thanked author for this post.
      • #134646

        Thank you Brie for your honesty and I believe my wife is the same if she knew.

        She would say she married a man.

        I wish you the best of luck for your journey.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #134615
      Ray andrew
      SILVER

      I really sympathize with you, as I am in the same boat. I love my wife and family and wouldn’t want to do anything to harm our relationship. She knows that I am a bit weird but doesn’t know the whole truth. My strategy is to go very gradually — step by step — so that she will get used to each step. I certainly don’t throw my feelings in her face. For example, I have been wearing silk panties for some time now, and she accepts that. I am taking supplements to become more feminine; they work slowly and very subtly, so that by now I have moobs but not really boobs.
      I’ll want to know your experience, in order to know what I can do or can’t do, and what the reaction will be.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #134647

        Thank you for your reply,

        Are the things you are doing such as the supplements a way of coming forward to your family and wife as trans?

        Right now I understand that I am trans from feelings buried and now secretly doing some crossdressing to see how that feels and explore the feminine side of my character. I have one friend that knows the full truth and my counselor.

        Advice on what to do in relation to reaching out for support on depression and crossdressing, also how your experience is working through this time is helpful and thank you for being open and honest.

         

         

        2 users thanked author for this post.
        • #135094
          Rachel
          FREE

          This is actually easy, if you think about it. It seems like a difficult conundrum at first, I know.

          Let me ask you this: is it ever good to hide important things about yourself from your spouse? Can you ever truly be in a trusting relationship if the other person doesn’t even know who you are?

          Option 1) the status quo. This is obviously not where you want to be. It’s where you are, and if it was great, you wouldn’t be posting here.

          Option 2) make changes.

          If this is truly Who You Are, it’s a no-brainer. If you’re not sure yet Who You Are, then the status quo is fine.

    • #134614

      Hannah,

      I know your situation very well. I have gone through it. I think you are much younger than I, though. My kids were grown and living on their own and supporting themselves. I was in retirement when I came out. I told my wife first. She knew I occasionally dressed as a woman. She early on set rules and one was to only be dressed as such in the lower level of the house where she rarely ventured. Another rule was she would never be seen with me in public dressed as a woman.

      I gradually broke the first rule, but at the time generally did not spend the whole day in feminine attire. I went slowly but finally had to tell her I found it hard, and then extremely difficult to abide by her rules as I knew I had to let my female spirit free. My spirit was screaming this at me internally. I finally convinced her to read my coming out letter which I planned to send to our mutual friends and extended family. I asked her to read the letter first. I think by this time she saw the inevitability of my need to move forward. She advised I take one thing out of the letter as it had to deal with genital electrolysis. It really wasn’t needed, so I did. I sent the letter and I received quite a few responses soon after. They were all supportive. I knew in my heart those who didn’t respond were probably stunned and didn’t know what to say or despised what I was doing. I have found many people have been very supportive, both male and female, and I live in a rather conservative community.

      I have since gone with friends and my wife to dinner, have invited friends over, and so far I have not experienced any backlash.

      My wife will never be in acceptance as she repeatedly states she married a man. I can’t disagree with her. She said she has resigned herself to what I’m doing and we continue to live with one another. We even still sleep in the same bed together. She did tell me if I get involved with someone else, we’re done. I’m okay with that. I still have no clue what gender I’m drawn to sexually. Of course my libido is nil, but it is most likely due to virtually nonexistent androgen. I would bet my levels are lower than most cis women. I’ve been on antiandrogens and estrogen 1 and a quarter years.

      Regarding my children and how they took the news – my two boys were cool with it. My daughter had a hard time initially, but things have gotten better. She even gave me a very nice necklace and matching earrings for my birthday.

      Lastly, my vaginoplasty is to be done this coming March. As I’ve pictured myself for many years as a woman, even to the point of actually making myself feel as if I was penetrated while having intercourse, I am more than ready for the surgery. I may never have penetrative sex (I will never have anal) but I’m having the full-depth vaginoplasty because you never know what the future holds. I do know if I ever have intercourse again, I will be very selective as to the partner. Although I certainly have no need to worry about pregnancy, there is a shitload of infectious agents out there to make hell for the rest of life should you contract one.

      JAK-e

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #134645

        I appreciate you writing about your journey and thank you.

        I myself are nowhere near the point of coming out.

        But wish to some how explore the femine side of my character.

        Thank you.

        1 user thanked author for this post.
        • #134717

          Perhaps you can let your true nature come out rather than hiding it, first.

          I do remember one of the earliest things I did was walk with more hip sway, but that was still with no one watching. If you’re bold enough, you may want to let your spirit soar among other people without even dressing feminine.

          Anything you do is probably going to cause you anxiety. One must start sometime and somewhere.

          • JAK-e
          1 user thanked author for this post.
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