Understanding the relationship between gender presentation and sexuality

  • Creator
  • #111178

    I am not sure which forum topic that would fit under, but I hope this is the right one. Please forgive me if I ramble or do not clearly explain what I am going through, as I am obviously having trouble understanding it. Based on everything I have read on the psychological aspects of being transgendered, the general consensus is that gender identity and sexuality are not related to one another. That does not seem to be the case for me. As for me, I consider myself to be pansexual, though my primary  attraction seems to be for genetic females. Though I have dated both genetic men and women while presenting as both genders, all of my sexual experiences up to this point have been with women. This is where it gets complicated for me. Regardless of my presentation, I am attracted to all genders, but my emotional experiences change according to my presentation. While presenting as a man, I feel out of place and very uncomfortable dating a man, whether I am attracted to him or not. As a woman, it is the exact opposite. I feel out of place and uncomfortable dating a woman. Physically, I find the female body to be more attractive. I am much more likely to notice an attractive woman, than a man. At the same time, I am much more emotionally and sexually attracted to men, and have had trouble physiologically responding to women on occasion, even if I was highly attracted to them. I definitely feel much more comfortable in a traditionally female role in a relationship. Basically, my issues regarding gender definitely seem to have some correlation with my romantic and sexual desires, though I am unable to fully understand what the correlation is. Have any other ladies had a similar experience? How did you address it? Did this change after you transitioned?

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  • Author
    • #111225
      DeeAnn Hopings


      There are a ton of variables surrounding our gender identities, our sexuality, our physical and emotional attractions and how they all interact with one another. As I think you know, there is a spectrum regarding our gender identities and, as trans people, we have the same range of sexual orientations that cisgender people have. While you pose an interesting academic question, I am not certain if it is a good use of ones time and energy to consider it. Just seems like it would not be a straightforward thing to sort out.

      Anyway, I will make a couple of suggestions regarding terminology. TransgenderED has fallen from usage, even though you may still find it in a dictionary. Dictionaries always follow current usage, so with new or volatile descriptions, they will always be behind. What people have figured out is that transgenderED implies that something happened to make us transgender. This is not the case. As ones sexual orientation is inherent, so is our gender identity. It was always with us. Also, we don’t say gayED or lesbianED.

      The references “genetic male” or “genetic female” have some built-in inaccuracies as it relates to intersex people. The thing is, while someone may clearly appear to be unambiguously male or female (including their genitalia), they may be intersex at the chromosomal level. In that case, there really wouldn’t be a “genetic” reference due to the ambiguity. In more recent times, people are using “Assigned Female At Birth” (AFAB) and similarly “Assigned Male At Birth” (AMAB)…

    • #111181

      Though I have not experienced what you’re going through myself I do have a very good friend who has. She has very similar issues when she’s having one of her guy days she prefers women though emotionally and mentally is more attracted to the male personality though is not comfortable for lack of a better way of putting it and keeping it g-rated fooling around with said mail while when she’s having a girl day it’s the opposite the way she describes it is that she falls in love with the personality regardless of the cover said personality is wearing though how she’s feeling determines which one she’s more comfortable physically being with and she’s in the exact same boat on preferring to be in the female role hell she and I dated for a little while and we’re still best friends though the dating did not work out that being said what you’re feeling is completely normal and you actually describe it pretty well all I really got to say to it is give the advice she gave when trying to explain it to me and that’s whatever you feel at the moment like on a girl day go for a guy on a guy day go for a girl or and this is stepping a little bit into semi-taboo territory make sure each of them know the other exists and what’s going on but have one of each sometimes for sometimes that’s best especially if one is primarily or even solely emotional mental and the other is more physical and sexual I hope I haven’t overstepped my bounds with it but that’s the advice she gave me just on trying to explain how she felt and I agreed with the advice and she’s actually been happy ever since she has a girlfriend that she relates to emotionally mentally and sometimes physically and vice versa on that one but she also has a boyfriend who is more than physical than the girlfriend and both of them know about the other and know what goes on if I remember right I recently she told me that they had a threesome for the first time LOL talk about that was a little bit of an embarrassing conversation because that is one thing I really did not want to discuss with her cuz I am a firm believer in what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom

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