using correct pronouns

[ayesha lee]

I  am just wondering how people deal with others who refuse to use the correct pronouns

 

there is someone who I see on a regular bases, who refuses to use the correct pronouns- and, what’s more, she goes as far to use the wrong ones and laugh as she says it

 

it’s very hurtfull, and I’ve taken her aside many times to explain what she is doing is wrong. she does apologize, and then just does it again and laughs about it

 

thoughts?

[Rebecca]

It might be that she regards your change of gender as little more than a joke, that it is of little importance to you. Or it might be that she genuinely hates – or is frightened by – the undermining of gender norms that you and we represent to her. Either way, you will probably have to speak to her privately again and explain that this is important, as it would be if you referred to her as they or he.

If this woman is a work colleague, it is a matter for your trade union to take up.

[Rebecca]

[postquote quote=136335]
How long have you been living as a women full time.me 3 yrs and its pretty much has stoped but I can tell if someone he and is doing it to be mean..and if they were doing it to be mean I would remove them from my life.cant you tell if they are doing it to be mean

You can’t change people placings or things but you can

[Dana Munson]

Ayesha, there could be several reasons for her mis-gendering you.

1) She has known you forever as your former guy self and is just having trouble adjusting to the new “you.”  This can happen if your transition has been fairly recent. The laughter part is tough, but that could just be her personal mechanism for dealing with an “Oops, I screwed up!” moment. I’ve known some folks like that.

2) If she doesn’t laugh when she make other mistakes – if she saves that attitude only for you – or if you have been “Ayesha” for a long time now and she just keeps it up, it likely indicates her mis-gendering is indeed more or less deliberate. In that case, the laughter part is worse – it’s an added insult which says “Not only did I mis-gender you, I meant it. I think it’s hilarious, and I am letting you know it. So just deal with it!”  If this is the case, and if this is someone who is “disposable” in your life, consider writing her out of your life story. Nobody needs jerks like this.

Personally, I have been living as Dana for about 8 months now. Most of my friends and all of my family have no trouble grouping me in the “she/her” category. A couple of friends still slip up once in a while – they’ll say “he” or “him” (or use “guy” or “dude,” which aren’t quite so bad).  It usually only takes a questioning glance or a mild *cough* on my part, following which they apologize and plead the fact that they just knew me for so long as my former self. (I’ve told them, politely, that I will accept that for now, but come this time next year . . .). What’s cute is that a couple of times, one of my other friends have beaten me to the punch and corrected the “offender.”

[DeeAnn Hopings]

Ayesha:

While it is easy to forgive someone who is really trying. Often the problem is an extended history between the people. In my own case, it has taken my wife the better part of 7 years to get maybe 80% to 90% of the way there. Early on I did get a bit upset a few times, not when misnaming happened at home, but when we were in public. That can be really confusing for people and can lead them to believe that you are dressing just to be dressing. Further, that your partner doesn’t respect you or your presentation.

I won’t say what you should do, but sometimes we get to a point where the BS just gets too deep and something has to change in order to protect our own sanity. Effectively, protecting our sanity becomes the Prime Directive…

[Author]

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