What Should My Daughter Call Me?

What Should My Daughter Call Me?

I could use some input on what my daughter should call me after I start living as female full time.

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  • Faith
  • a version of mom
  • Dad
  • something else

This topic contains 9 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  M Dana Strauss 1 month ago.

  • Creator
    Topic
  • #35260

    Faith Weber
    Participant

    I haven’t fully transitioned yet. I’m not living as female full time yet but hopefully will be soon. I am having a big dilemma. Once I am living as female full time I don’t know what to tell my 9 year old daughter to call me. If she still calls me “Dad” that’s perfectly fine with me I don’t want to make her call me anything she isn’t comfortable with but at the same time I would like something more feminine. Now, here is my dilemma: her mother, who I am not with but we are friends and communicate a lot, absolutely refuses to let me have any derivative of the word “mom”. No mama. No mommy. No ma. Nothing like that. She said she doesn’t know what to tell our daughter to call me so she just told her to call me by my name. My daughter says she wouldn’t feel right still calling me “Dad” once I am living as female. She doesn’t want to hurt my feelings but at the same time she doesn’t want to upset her mom either by calling me a derivative of “mom”. When I asked her mom about this I said I wanted to respect her and not tell our daughter to call me something related to “mom” without talking to her first and she said “I’m her only mom”. So for now we just decided to have her call me by my name, Faith. But that doesn’t feel right because there is the respect aspect of not calling your parents by their name. Is my daughter’s mother being unreasonable? Since our divorce she has since remarried and my daughter calls her stepdad “Dad”. She has been since long before my transition and coming out and no one ever asked me if it was OK. I am not good with confrontations and when I talk about something important to me I tend to cry a lot and I know when it gets closer to me going full time my ex and I need to talk about this again and I am afraid it will turn bad and I’ll give up just to avoid conflict and say it’s OK for her to call me Faith. Am I less of a woman if my daughter still calls me “Dad”? Is it disrespectful that she calls me by my name? How can I get my ex to let me have a derivative of “mom”? I just thought that maybe by asking these questions on here I could get some helpful feedback. Thank you so much!

     

    Faith

    2 users thanked author for this post.
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  • #35792
     M Dana Strauss 
    Participant

    FREE

    Agree with Cami. Jennifer Boylan has used Maddy as a compromise for a long time with her kids. I suppose when kids become adults, usage of first name can be an option.

  • #35700
     Joy Scott 
    Participant

    SILVER

    Thank you so much for sharing Faith, and what a beautiful name you were given!

    As for your daughter, I have some more ideas to throw in there for your thoughts:

    First some context:

    I’m not fully transitioned to full time, but I’m in that “trying to be full time” with only logistics holding me up at this point, and I’m battling through those.  That being said, I have 3 children; a son 9, and two daughters, 6 and 4.  I had to go no contact with my wife because of how abusive she is, but I did my best to convey my plans and transformation plans to my 9 year old.  I know he understood, because he was confused at first, but once he made the connection of my voice changing (it went like an octave higher and I can’t hide it LOL), he was really excited.  I had the kids a few days earlier, and they noticed how different my voice was, so when my son heard the reason when I had that little sit down with him in private, he looked very relieved to have some understanding, and happy, and said, “oh yeah!…”  They left for a weekend and I came out and they never came back except to hurt me (not the kids).  Anyway, now that I’ve given you some context, this is my plan:

    Sit down with my son, share my ideas with him, but ask him for his input.  I will ask him to take that stuff to the girls, and decide among them what they want to call me.  I want them to call me whatever is in their hearts to call me (assuming we have a mutually respecting relationship). If he comes back with something unreasonable, I’ll tell him why I think it is, and ask him to try again, or it may be, that they want me to pick or help them pick, which I can do as well.  This is the plan now, but ideally I’d like to have the first meeting with all 3!

    Also, I’m going to stay non-op as far as I can reasonably, other than hair removal and maybe some very slight other personal stuff…not even sure about hormones at this point yet, and I plan that appt, but don’t plan to take any per se.  The main reason is I feel pretty comfortable with my female presentation already, and I’ve only really just kind of begun.

    So Anyway, I will get with my kids and let tehm know some ideas to get there brains jogging, such as the following: SuperDad, MAD (Mom & Dad!), SuperMom, Joymommy, Joydaddy.

    I’ll will also let them stick with Daddy, or Dad, at least for the younger ones, but for the 9 yr old, and considering his maturity level, I expect him to be ok with something more creative.  If he isn’t though, I will know I think, and then I’ll change those expectations LOL, and he can keep calling me what he has been, but I’ll ask him to start thinking, and when he is ready with something to let me know.

    I think it is important to keep in mind that names we are called by our children are usually evolving, even if it’s just from Dada to Daddy to Dad or Father, or whatever…we are asking of them something that is typically done naturally, albeit we are asking for a rather extreme version of this process, and asking for it to take place at a certain time, so forcing in a sense, but with gentleness, love, and grace and mercy.

    Finally, I’ll make sure before I give them time to think, that they know my preference.  I’m not sure what mine is right now, but for example, I’d say, “So, the name that I like the best, and I’m secretly-not-so-secretly hoping you might pick, is ‘Supermom’, so think about what you might like or dislike about that one, and then think about the others, and decide what your favorite is, then come tell me!”

    Another thing I’m doing with them is emphasizing that I will play the role of “Dad” whenever they feel like they need “Dad” and don’t have one.  I will do everything in my power to be Dad for them in those moments, and I think I can do a well enough job, even if it’s only in thought, or action, and not look 😀

    I understand this last part might be easier said then done, but I will at least offer that and try.  This is my own personal thing I insist on for myself alone, and I’m only adding it here for additonal context.

    Good luck and much hope forward!

    Joy Hope Scott

    1 user thanked author for this post.
  • #35473
     Stephanie Kennedy 
    Participant

    Hi Faith  If your  wife has earned the title mom she should own it and not have to share it with anyone.  How do you want to be introduced to one of your daughters friends or parent of a friend. I think if she called you Faith she has accepted a new woman in her life. She can also add to that if she wanted.  I believe the children will let you know what is comfortable for them. All the best Luv Stephanie

     

    1 user thanked author for this post.
  • #35433
     Marianne Tornander 
    Ambassador

    AMBASSADOR - EDITOR

    I’m nowhere near transitioning but do dress as a woman at home some times then my wife is away. My three sons age 19, 17 and 15 call me dad regardless of my presentation and I am ok with that. I’m not sure how we should do in front of others though. Maybe I could go by auntie Marianne not to cause questions.

     

     

  • #35370
     Sarah Mack 
    Participant

    FREE

    Just let her decide what she wants to call you

     

    2 users thanked author for this post.
  • #35346
     Cami 
    Ambassador

    AMBASSADOR

    I do know a family that call their Dad..Daddy at home and Maddy when out and about..

    Works for them.

    2 users thanked author for this post.
  • #35281
     Miriya Paris 
    Participant

    SILVER

    Hello Faith and I think Cloe with real world experience on the matter has it right.  But as your daughter is 9 and probably going on 20. Give her the respect and talk to her about it, see what she really wants to do.  Lay the arguments out if she wants them and does not just give you the hand like mine do.  And later on when she changes her mind respect her then too.  It is more about being a parent then any title you can give your self.

     

    Is you ex being unreasonable? Maybe but not really.  She is only human to and wants to be special and herself just like you do.  So let her be mom, that does not mean you are any less of a parent.

     

    Miriya

    🤗🤗🤗

    1 user thanked author for this post.
  • #35274
     Cloe (CC) Webb 
    Managing Ambassador

    MANAGING AMBASSADOR

    I had this dilemma with my daughter and her toddler.  He only knew me as a woman, but she was still calling me dad.  She did recognize the confusion it was starting to cause and he even once called me grandma.  My heart melted, but hers was hurting.  We considered variants such as p-ma but nothing worked.  Finally we settled on Miss Cloe.  It took him all of about 2 hours to figure out how to even pronounce Cloe, but now they both use it all the time.  The Miss part is respectful and it’s nice to hear my own name.  I’ll never be “mom” to my daughter, well at least in any reasonable expectation, but I do keep up hope she can find a way.  I just no longer dwell on it for my own sense of well being.

    3 users thanked author for this post.

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